Tag Archives: white

Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 


Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!


Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!


Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!


Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!


Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.


Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?


Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!


Have a question for Adam? Email him today!

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DON’T TRUST THE B—- IN APARTMENT FRIDAY FIVE!

It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!

First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on.  Cuz it’s made of shit.  S-h-i-t.

Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:

Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight.  I just love him so much!

Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously.  I’m totally serial.

And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.:Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.”  And I love you, Michelle M.!  I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012!  Check her out here:

This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!

OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer!  Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!

This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography.  DUCK!  (a reference from season 5)

WHAT’S YOUR FRIDAY FIVE??!?!?!?!?!

It’s the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award!

Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out.  Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.

The 2011  Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!

With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness.  Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it.  And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way.  We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future.  Congratulations: Polt’s Ass.  You truly earned it.

Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.


POLT’S ASS   (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)

















Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Puntabupets Results Are In!

The results are in! The name that garnered the most votes was:

ADAM!!

Here is the vote breakdown:

Even the parakeet had a say in what his name would be:

But after seeing the clips of silver fox Anderson Cooper giggling like a little schoolgirl,
I had to go with the name Cooper. What did you think this was, a democracy?
Plus, Cooper is as blue as Anderson’s eyes.

So, Pixel and Typo, what do you think of the name Cooper?

Puntabupets


*How may can you name?

Over the years I’ve enjoyed hearing about the puntabupets (man, you people sure like cats). Although some are no longer with us, they have provided happiness, comfort and companionship. In the past few months I’ve been flirting with the idea of pet ownership. But which pet should I have? I want all the benefits of pet ownership, but none of the work. That pretty much leaves out dogs, cats, rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, etc. I need something easy to care for. Like a fish. So Harry and I went to the pet store to bring home our new aquatic friend. Here he is, my new BFF!

Isn’t he a cutie?

But the little guy needs a name. So I’m asking you all to help out.

Here are some names that we came up with, but I am open to suggestions.

        Check back tomorrow for the results!

C&R Fight Club: REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN vs. MR. SOMBRERO!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN

AKA: Minuteman
Date of Birth:
July 4th, 1950
Place of Birth: Texas
Hair Color: gray
Current Residence: Texas
Relationship Status: married to an American woman
Occupation: Full-Time Minuteman
Height & Weight: 5’10”, 230lbs
Hobbies: shooting Mexicans, getting illegals deported, building fences
Favorite Colors: red, white and blue: the colors of the Confederate Flag!
Political Affiliation: Conservative Tea Party
Favorite Music: Toby Keith, Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill
Utility Belt Contents: Gun, ammunition and a copy of the Constitution
Favorite Pastime: Looking for evidence that Barack Hussein Obama wasn’t born in the United States

The Minuteman Project is an activist organization started in April 2005 by a group of private individuals in the United States to monitor the United States–Mexico border’s flow of illegal immigrants. The name derives from the Minutemen, militiamen who fought in the American Revolution. The Minuteman Project describes itself as “a citizens’ Neighborhood Watch on our border”, and has attracted media attention to illegal immigration.  Today’s competitor is proud member of the Minutemen.  His secret weapons include: racism, a firm belief that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, a steadfast anti-healthcare reform position, a nearly endless supply of guns and ammunition (and if you don’t like it, please read the 2nd amendment to Constitution) and a direct line to Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign office.


MR. SOMBRERO

AKA: El Mostacho Loco
Date of Birth: On a sunny day a long time ago
Place of Birth: Mexico
Hair Color: shaved on top, black stash stash under the nose
Current Residence: New Jersey
Relationship Status: dating Adam
Occupation: who needs a job with a sombrero like this?
Height & Weight: 5’11”, the stash alone weighs 20lbs
Hobbies: jumping fences, hitting piñatas, spending time with his trusty burro
Favorite Color: red, white and green: the colors of the Mexican flag.
Political Affiliation: Liberal
Favorite Music: anything by Ricky Martin
Utility Belt Contents: tacos, maracas, mariachi guitar
Favorite Pastime: salsa dancing

Mr. Sombrero hails from the great country of Mexico.  Legend has it that he was born long ago on a particularly sunny day, when he shot out of his mother’s vagina as fast as Speedy Gonzales.  Opinions on the subject differ, but many say that he was born with fully grown black mustache.  He has always been known as a kind an gentle man, and is know for single-handedly building the Mayan pyramids, hiding gold from the Spaniards, winning the battle of the Alamo, winning the Mexican-American War, winning the Mexican Revolution.  He currently owns the Taco Bell restaurant chain.  His secret weapons include razor-edged throwing sombreros, the ability to stricken anyone with Montezuma’s revenge, border fence high jumps, powerful kicks from his trusty burro, and an enormous penis.


Who will win in the battle of  REDNECK vs. MEXICAN?  Will the Redneck Border Patrolman defeat Mr. Sombrero with his massive arsenal? Or will Mr. Sombrero give him a case of Montezuma’s revenge unlike the world has ever seen?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!