Tag Archives: Tree

A Holiday Glee-cap

I’m fairly certain that Michelle M., Craig and myself are the only ones that still watch Glee.  So instead of accepting that you’ve given up on the series, I’ve decided to cram the crap-fest down your unwelcoming throats!  Behold, the highlights of last week’s Holiday episode:



It’s The Cocky & Rude Match Game! (3.02)

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!

This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)

For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.

But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.

For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…

If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.

For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!

But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.

For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.

But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.

For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.

But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.

For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.

But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.

Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.

Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.

Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.

But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.

Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.

If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.

Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.

Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.

For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.

If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.

For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.

But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.

There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.

Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.

Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).

But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.

Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.

If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:

Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.

If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.

David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.

Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.

Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.

Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.

I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.

If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.

I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).

David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.

Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.

Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.

Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.

But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.

Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.

I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

Have You Ever… In The Summertime?

Summer is a time of warm weather, happiness and fun in the sun. And what better way to start this new season than with a Have You Ever?! quiz?  Today’s quiz is a little different than what you’re used to.  Instead of asking you about all of the unsavory things that you’ve done during the summertime, we’re going to ask you about all the wonderful and whimsical summer activities that you’ve experienced over the years.  Let’s get started.

The rules are the same: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever flown a kite?
2. Have you ever ridden a swing as an adult?
3. Have you ever picked a bouquet of wildflowers?
4. Have you ever took a nap in a grassy field?
5. Have you ever sat under a tree and read a book?
6. Have you ever caught a jar full of lightning bugs?
7. Have you ever enjoyed a firework show?
8. Have you ever seen a drive-in movie?
9. Have you ever gotten up early and watched the sunrise?
10. Have you ever spent an evening under the stars naming constellations?
11. Have you ever slept under the stars?
12. Have you ever gone camping in a tent?
13. Have you ever gone to the bathroom outdoors?
14. Have you ever made ice cream from scratch?
15. Have you ever had a watermelon seed spitting contest?
16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
17. Have you ever participated in a water fight?
18. Have you ever gone swimming in a river or lake?
19. Have you ever gone fishing and caught a fish?
20. Have you ever ran through a sprinkler?
21. Have you ever skipped stones across water?
22. Have you ever built a sand castle?
23. Have you ever been buried in the sand?
24. Have you ever walked barefoot through grass?
25. Have you ever biked more than 20 miles in one day?

Now tell us your total in the comments.  Are you afraid your score is a little too low?  You have all summer to add more points to your total.  Get started today!

C&R Fight Club: TORNADO vs. PAUL!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Also known as: Twister, Cyclone, Landspout, Waterspout, Dust Devil
Time of Birth:
Anytime, but most often between 3pm and 9pm
3 out of every 4 tornadoes occur in the United States
Relationship Status:
usually single
8-16 miles
Wind Speed:
Average of 110mph; Maximum of 300+mph
Favorite Animal:
Favorite Movie:
Twister, The Wizard of Oz
Typical Duration:
8 minutes
moving house, killing witches
Favorite Curse Word:

Tornadoes are violent, dangerous, rotating columns of air that are in contact with both the surface of the Earth and a cloud.  They come in many shapes and sizes, but are typically in the form of a visible funnel, whose narrow end is often encircled by a cloud of debris and dust.  Most tornadoes have an average speed of 110mph, are approximately 250 feet across, and travel a few miles before dissipating.  The most extreme can attain wind speeds of more than 300mph, stretch more than 2 miles across, and stay on the ground for dozens of miles.  Their secret weapons include transporting opponents from Kansas to Oz, hurling cows at storm chasers, dropping houses on witches and flinging forks from decimated house into trees.


Also known as: P.J.

Date of Birth:
June 8, 19something, something
Residence:Long Guyland”
Relationship Status:
“Single, currently accepting applications to change that, must have acceptable tattoo to tooth ratio”
Controller, that’s right, I AM IN CONTROL!”
Height & Weight:
“I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller.”
Average Speed:
Recently clocked at 100 MPH.
Favorite Animal:
Favorite Movie:
Female Trouble
Typical Duration:
Given the right circumstances, hours.
Commenting on blogs while ignoring his own.
Favorite curse word:

Paul Wyckoff is a violent, dangerous man that lives in “Long Guyland”, New York with his hench-cat, Whitey.  When he’s not busy being the controller of a black and white company, he spends his time surfing YouTube, commenting on blogs, watching South Park and Family Guy, fastidiously decorating and cleaning his condo, and grooming to his glorious swirl.  The swirl itself has been known to kill without remorse, and is considered one of the most dangerous weapons on Earth.  Paul’s secret weapons include an army of drag queens, the ability to use YouTube videos to convey ideas that only he thinks are funny, and the power to turn the sky purple and fill with lightning.  Viva la swirl!

Who will win in the battle of Swirl vs. Swirl?  Will a tornado fling Paul to Oz before he even has a chance to fight?  Or will Paul strike fast and quick with an amusing and relevant YouTube video?  We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Paul & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

This post was conceived and written before this week’s terrible tragedies in Missouri and Oklahoma. Our hearts go out to those effected. Please consider donating to the American Red Cross’s relief efforts.

Just Another Manic [Cyber] Monday!

There are just so many random thoughts running through my mind!  It must be just another Manic Monday!

Did you know that it’s Cyber Monday?  Really, how could you not?  If you’re anything like me, you’ve received about fifty emails over the past few days from online retailers offering you all sorts of amazing once-in-a-lifetime deals.  So today, as a one-day sale, Cocky & Rude is offering you FREE daily blog posts until the end of the year! OMG!

Leslie Nielsen died! Nooo00000000o!

As I’m writing this post, please be aware that I’m suffering from an awful case of hiccurps.  UGH they’re awful!

Like all great weekends, I spent lots of time with my loved ones saw THREE movies this weekend!  On Friday night I saw Burlesque, which was silly, fun, and predictable, but HARDLY as awful as all the reviews claim.  Saturday I saw Harry Pothead and the Deadly Halloween, which was moderately amusing.  Sorry, I’m not a big Harry Potter fan.  Sunday I saw a movie based on MY life, called 127 Hours!  It was aammaazziinngg!  It totally made me want to go hiking, get stuck and lop off my own arm.  Go see it now!

My diet of all noni berries, all the time continues.

Sunday turned into a Tamblyn-themed day for me.  After seeing Amber Tamblyn in 127 Hours, I watched West Side Story, which stars her father, Russ Tamblyn!  He was cuter in the WSS days than he was in the Twin Peaks days.

I keep singing Free Blood’s Never Hear Surf Music Again (the song from the 127 Hours trailer).  It has a great beat!

Is it too early for Christmas?  I’ve already hung the outside lights at my mom’s house and my tree is up and decorated.  Let’s get this damn season over with!

Yea, yea, I keep singing Show Me How You Burlesque too… (and too bad Harry’s theme is a snore!)

Cher’s face is starting to look like an alien.

That’s right, there’s a lot of movies and general pop culture bouncing around in my melon.  What’s on your mind, this Manic Monday?