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Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 


Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!


Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!


Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!


Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!


Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.


Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?


Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!


Have a question for Adam? Email him today!

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Twelve On Twelve

There’s a bunch of bloggers out that that do the 12 of 12, including mi amigo Enrico at Hotel Tuesday, whose September 12 of 12 featured yours truly.  While I always mean to do a 12 of 12, I always seem to forget and miss the day.  So this month I’ve decided to cheat, and post 12 photos that I’ve taken recently.  Instead of a ’12 of 12,’ I’ll just call it my ’12 on 12.’  Please enjoy my orgy of photography!

On September 29th, a friend and I went to see David Sedaris speak at Raritan Valley Community College.  Our seats were pretty far away, as you could probably tell by the grainy zoom and head shadows between my camera lens and the subject.  I’ve seen Sedaris before, and he never fails to put on a good show.  This one was no different — he had the audience in stitches for most of the night.  His latest book, Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk had been released a day earlier, so he was there (in part) to plug the book. I’m now about half way through reading it, and it’s far from his best. If you decide that it’s worth a read, I’d suggest that you wait until it comes out in paperback. The tiny hardcover is priced at a very steep $21.99, and the Kindle version still seems quite pricey at $9.99.

Before and after the show, Sedaris signed copies of his books in the lobby.  I had decided that I wouldn’t bring anything to get signed, because I felt like I’d probably be too wimpy and nervous to wait in line and speak to someone that I admire as much as David Sedaris.  But when I got there and saw how personable and friendly he was to all of the gays, women and husbands that were dragged to see him, I regretted my decision.  Oh well, maybe next time I’ll grow some testes.

Do you ever add the phrase “in bed” to the end of your fortune cookie fortune?  Another friend and I recently ate at P.F. Chang’s and we received these two fortunes.  It’s not often that “in bed” works so well with a fortune, let alone two!  Mine was the fortune on the bottom of the photo.

Even better is that my Chinese word on the back was “Mouth” — how filthy!  It’s like the fortune cookie fortune writer was flirting with me or something.

Lately Spring has been curling up on top of blankets and pillows.  As the weather begins to change outside, my apartment is becoming increasingly drafty and cool.  I get that it’s probably warmer to sleep on soft and cozy things, but when she sleeps on pillows like this, I have trouble not thinking of her as a spoiled rotten little princess.  I’m always tempted to stick a frozen pea under the pillow to see if she can feel it.

Here’s a picture I took of a praying mantis on a brick wall.  I’m really only showing this to you so I can get my photo count in this post up to the necessary 12.  They’re my favorite insect … but that’s all I really have to say about it.

I’ve never been a big fan of shopping for clothing (especially when all I can really afford is sold at WalMart or stolen off the backs of sleeping homeless people), but now that I know that T.J.Maxx (or T.J.Maxipad, as I prefer to call it) caters to both Active Tops and Active Bottoms, I might start shopping there more often.  My wardrobe could use a little more versatility.

Last Friday night I had the chance to visit Mikey for a bit in New York City.  Though we’ve been friends for about 3 years, this was only the fifth time we’ve actually met in person.  Mikey suggested that we meet at Boxers, a classy joint where all of the male bartenders seemed to have forgotten most their clothing on the night that we were there.  While there, I decided to drink an entire alcoholic beverage.  I’m such a lush!

When I was leaving, Mikey desperately tried to plant a big, wet kiss on me, but I was able to evade his animal magnetism.  I’m a classy chap, and a boy’s gotta buy me more than a drink if he wants some sugar.

Last Sunday I took a drive to Ikea in Conshohocken, PA with my family.  No big purchases this time — I just stocked up on cutting boards (as a vegan, I go through them pretty quickly), shower curtain liners (I think it’s an OCD thing that I change them so often), and batteries (my label maker takes six AA’s — yay organization!).

As an atheist, I’ve never really experienced the faith and clarity that religion can bring to one’s life.  But at Ikea, I feel a sense of purpose, of belonging, and I rejoice as a greater power (Ikea) envelops me in its love.  Can Ikea be my religion?  I love it there.  I only wish I lived closer to an Ikea store, because I’d get a job and just assemble furniture all day long for the rest of my life.  Just like Ghandi and Malcolm X did!

And finally, on Monday I woke up early and baked a batch of vegan chocolate chip cookies to bring to work.  Just in case someone thought that they were in honor of the genocidal homo maniac, Christobo de Colon, or GAWD FORBID they all figure out that I’m a big homo and force me to be friends with Justin again (the horror!), I labeled them as Canadian Thanksgiving cookies.  Almost everyone threw veiled compliments my way: “wow, these actually taste really good!”  One coworker thought that the chocolate chips were raisins and that there was a strong flavor of applesauce (the cookies contained neither), and one refused to eat anything that was so close to a Canadian flag.  How rude to me, my cookies and Tam.

So there ya have it!  Those are the 12 photos that I didn’t actually take on the 12th, thus cheating so much that the blog universe will probably implode and/or murder me by the day’s end.  In lieu of flowers, please click the ad a few hundred times.