Tag Archives: Teeth

Stuff I actually dream about

In my last post I talked about the things I like to daydream about.
But what do I dream about when I’m fast asleep? Let’s find out…

Monday I dreamed that Jessica Simpson was coming out with a line of butter candies. The flavors she had were: buttered toast, buttered popcorn, hot buttered rum and baked potato with butter. She needed my help to come up with the 5th flavor. I suggested buttered waffles.

Tuesday I dreamed that I worked at the Mad Men offices. I was going through everyone’s files to find out what their salaries were. I’m sneaky that way.

Wednesday I dreamed that I was hanging out with Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman. She was really impressed that I had a gold ring with three purple stones (I do not really have a gold ring with three purple stones).

Thursday I dreamed that I was a consumer reporter analyzing pool rafts.

Friday I dreamed that I couldn’t open my high school locker. It seemed I spent all night trying to open my combination lock. I hate those kinds of dreams. (In high school my locker combination was 10-16-38).

Saturday I dreamed that I was in charge of refreshments for the Honey Boo Boo airshow (she would jump out of an airplane and fly to the ground). I couldn’t find a dozen doughnuts, cupcakes or cookies, so I had to mix and match. It was very frustrating.

On Sunday I dreamed that I went to a party thrown by Kathy Griffin. I par-tayed until the wee hours. The next day Liam Neeson was mad at me for keeping his little boy out all night long. I guess I was supposed to be babysitting him – oops.

So what does any of this mean? Who cares. At least I didn’t dream that my teeth were falling out or that I had a mouth full of gum. My favorite dreams are flying dreams – but I rarely have those. What are some of the weird dreams you have? Let me know in comments!


Advertisements

Have You Ever… Been Macho!?

The rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have you ever?!

1. Have you ever barbecued a big slab of meat?
2. Have you ever camped in the woods?
3. Have you ever climbed to the top of a mountain?
4. Have you ever bench pressed 200 pounds?
5. Have you ever ordered a scotch on the rocks?
6. Have you ever smoked a cigar?
7. Have you ever played rugby?
8. Have you ever repaired a car?
9. Have you ever used tools for home repairs?
10. Have you ever engaged in fisticuffs?
11. Have you ever eaten an entire habanero pepper?
12. Have you ever gone all in at a game of poker?
13. Have you ever grown a full beard?
14. Have you ever served in the military?
15. Have you ever practiced martial arts?
16. Have you ever driven a motorcycle?
17. Have you ever gone deep sea fishing?
18. Have you ever built a fire?
19. Have you ever rung the bell with a hammer at the fair’s strong man contest?
20. Have you ever had a hairy chest?
21. Have you ever gone skydiving?
22. Have you ever opened a bottle with your teeth?
23. Have you ever fired a gun?
24. Have you ever chopped wood?
25. Have you ever wrassled a bear?

Tell us your total in comments and lets find out… ¿quien es mas macho?


Things That CREEP Me Out

Here are ten things that CREEP me the hell out:

Old timey dolls. What were people thinking in the olden days? Were they trying to scare their children to death? Who would want to wake up to see those evil little faces staring at you? The one above wants to swallow my soul.

Speaking of scaring children to death, jack in the boxes are another way to do it.
The anticipation of that thing popping out is enough to give me a heart attack.

Mayonnaise. SO GROSS! Barf!

Eyeballs. Specifically, touching or operating on them. The Lasik scene from Final Destination 5 almost did me in.

Bar soap*. Especially that slimy gunk between the bar of soap and the soap dish. Gag!

*More on this on a future post.

Mummies. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! EVER! Put that thing back where you found it! (Plus, they carry curses).

Mold, eeeeeeeeeeeew!

Long toenails. Revolting! Clip that shiz before I lose my lunch!
(Also gross: long fingernails on men and those Lamisil toe fungus commercials).

Candle wax on birthday cake. And it gets on the best part – the frosting! I always worry that someone is going to blow too hard on the candles and spray that damn wax everywhere. If I’m in charge of candles, I put them all in one corner so the rest of the cake doesn’t get wax cooties.

Roaches. make. my. skin. Crawl.

So there you have it – ten things that I find utterly disgusting. Runners up were: hairy drain clogs,
hoarders, John Malkovich, porta potties and rotting, never brushed teeth.

What creeps you out? Let me know in comments!


Let’s Laugh At Some Dental Druggies!

Dentists can be pretty awful motherfu¢kers!  They’re always digging around in your mouth, ripping out your teeth, drilling, scraping, and all sorts of crap.  They cut you, they hurt you, they leave you feeling like crap AND they take all your money!  The only good thing that they do is give you druuuugs.  And when you’re high on laughing gas and general anesthesia, your awful family and loved ones record you and then post it on YouTube so we can all laugh at you!  Check out these three drugged-out lunatics and then vote for your favorite:

 

Have you ever been a dental druggy? Or are your teeth perfect in every way? Let’s talk about it in the ‘ments.

Spring’s Favorite Things

Oprah has her favorite thingsBossy has hers.  Craig even had a few back in 2007.  Actually, I guess we all kind of have them.  They’re called Favorite Things.  So today, I present you with Spring’s Favorite Things:

The Bathroom Window is her favorite.  She spends motionless hours letting
the breeze blow through her hair as she looks out the window.

Kibble is her favorite.  She hates wet food, and most varieties of dry food for that matter.
Right now she’s happy with Blue Buffalo Adult Indoor Health.

Water Fountains are the only places to drink.  Water that stands still is ignored,
in favor of dehydration.

Murder is all just fun & games.  When she’s not attacking ankles, she’s ballistically attacking your face.

Talons more accurately describe her claws.  They’re sharper than Ginsu Knives and twice as deadly.

Small Crinkly Balls are the only toys worth playing with.  Everything else is crap.

Laser Pointers are the only exception.

Carpeted Cat Trees are best for climbing at high speeds, and keeping an eye on the surroundings.

Piles of Dirty Laundry are a great place to take a nap (especially on top of underwear).
Also acceptable: floors, chairs, couches, next to heaters, everywhere, etc.

and finally, Spring loves The Piss Puddle Game.
Watch your back (and your litter box), Jer-bear.

Enlightening Adam: The Vagina

“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson

Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:

cinema:

the theater:

pop culture:

cuisine:

and art:

Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:

Also, the vagina is a hero! Not a zero.

So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:

1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!

They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.

2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.

That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).

3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.

Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.

4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!

Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.

5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!

Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).

6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!

It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).

7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?

For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.

8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?

Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.

9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?

Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.

10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!

Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.

And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…