Tag Archives: SNL

My Favorite Adams

AdamsDid I get it right?  Who is your favorite Adam?


Have You Ever … Had Poor Etiquette?!

How are you celebrating National Etiquette Week (May 14th – May 18th)?  Have you been kind to everyone in your life … even those smelly strangers?  Is your life bursting at the seams with love, respect and good manners?  Or maybe you’re a awful, nasty c-bag to everyone in your life.  Either way, we’re about to find out!

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever been late?
2. Have you ever forgotten to introduce a date, friend or acquaintance to a group of new people?
3. Have you ever regifted a gift?
4. Have you ever forgotten to RSVP?
5. Have you ever taken the last bit of coffee and not made a new pot at work?
6. Have you ever commented negatively about someone on Facebook?
7. Have you ever farted in a public place?
8. Have you ever smoked a cigarette really close to non-smokers?
9. Have you ever cut in line?
10. Have you ever remained seated on public transportation when a disabled or elderly person was forced to stand?
11. Have you ever hogged a sidewalk so no one could pass you?
12. Have you ever clipped your nails (or otherwise groomed yourself) in public?
13. Have you ever engaged in excessive PDA?
14. Have you ever hit all the buttons in an elevator?
15. Have you ever let the doors close instead of holding an elevator for someone?
16. Have you ever skipped the tip at a restaurant?
17. Have you ever made a lot of noise in a quiet movie theater?
18. Have you ever left pubes, pee, poo or any other mess in or on a public toilet without cleaning it up?
19. Have you ever coughed or sneezed onto someone else?
20. Have you ever had a conversation with someone on speakerphone in a public place?
21. Have you ever used profanity in front of children in a public place?
22. Have you ever talked with your mouth full?
23. Have you ever behaved rudely at the gym? (not wiping off machines, monopolizing machines, etc.)
24. Have you ever not held the door for someone when entering or exiting a store?
25. Have you ever stared at someone’s boobs instead of their face when they were talking to you?

Tell us your total in the comments!

It’s The Friday Five!

Guess what folks…It’s Friday, which means it is time for a Friday Five. You may be scratching your head and thinking “didn’t we already do this?” Well that was Michelle’s amazing Monday Five…and this is Mikey’s Fabulous Friday Five. It’s really not that complicated. What happened this week that was worth hitting the charts? Well just read on, dear friends.

First up is the most amazing news out of New Jersey since Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi: Snooki is having a baby! For those of you who do not know, Snooki is the chief sleazebag on Jersey Shore. She has heightened awareness of all things New Jersey and help break down all those nasty stereotypes about people from the state. And now…she’s reproducing. I’m anticipating something that looks like Godzilla.

Next we have news from the wonderful world of technology. As we become more and more reliant on our smartphones, they are going to have to get bigger and bigger. Some enterprising young minds are truly worried about this development. In fact, the boys over at Buzzfeed’s new tech site FWD created a chart to demonstrate exactly when the smartphone screen will be larger than the average male penis. Of course, those of you with a micropeen are already pushing your phones forward to make your penis look bigger (I am obviously referring to Adam here).

In more serious news, the American Foundation for Equal Rights broadcast their star studded production of Dustin Lance Black’s play 8 on youtube last week. It is an important play only because it shows the idiocy and bigotry of the anti-gay asswipes fighting to keep happy gay couples from getting married. Also, you should watch it to see how much Chris Colfer’s talents are wasted on “Glee.”

While we are discussing wasted talent, we should turn our attention to Lindsay Lohan. She hosted SNL last week and aside from the Disney Housewives sketch it was awful. Furthermore, why has a woman so young had so much work done on her perfectly beautiful face? Just because Michael Jackson is dead, doesn’t mean that anyone should try and top his plastic surgery record. Lohan is looking so ragged that Debbie Harry was mistaken for her the day after her visit to NYC. Ms. Harry looks great for her age, but she’s also forty odd years older than LiLo.

And finally, the coolest of them all. About a year ago, I wrote a blog rant about how easy it has become to solve Rubik’s Cubes due to guides on the internet. Well an artist named Pete Fecteau has found a way to make them relevant to me again, by making them into a mural of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. His Dream Big project takes hundreds of the cubes and manipulates them so that they have the right colors in the perfect space to make a mural of the Dr. King. It’s moving and mesmerizing.

There you have them folks: Snooki’s offspring, the Peenpocalypse, 8, the unusual resurgence of Debbie Harry, and Rubik’s Cube art. Close runners-up were hardcore gay pornography, this freakishly early spring weather, and 30 Rock’s amazing brilliance. What is on your five today?

Adam’s Fiery Fro!

Last week Adam got the greatest makeover ever. With his upgrade the world is Adam’s oyster. Let’s explore some of the many ways that Adam can capitalize on those comely, carmine curls…

After Adam perfects his “wet on wet technique” he can get busy painting fluffy white clouds and happy little trees.

Sweet Georgia Brown! Adam can go on the road as a Globetrotter and put those ball-handling skills of his to good use.

Don’t you think Paul Simon has been on his own long enough?

A space orgy sounds like something right up Adam’s alley.

Adam, did you bring Kristen Wiig’s Gilly character out of retirement? Adam? Adam? Aaaadam?

What’s funnier than one carrot top? Two carrot tops! This act may require more than the two-drink minimum
– and don’t forget to take care of your server.

Awww… don’t you just want to squeeze the stuffing out of him? Adam will be what everyone wants under their Christmas tree! Or menorah! Or Kwanzaa kinara. Or whatever. sheesh.

Something tells me this is a role Adam could sink his teeth into.

I hear there’s an opening.

Adam better not drop us to hang out with his new rich and famous friends.
Hmmm… I wonder if he can get them to turn vegan…

Screw those other bitches. With his new look, Adam has STAR QUALITY and will always be center stage.

So Adam’s fro – is it fascinating, fancy, flattering, fresh, foxy, flamboyant, fine and fashionable? Or is it a frightening, fetid, fussy, foolish, flawed, fearful, freaky faux pas? Are you a fan or a foe? Let me know in the comments. Be frank!

It’s The Friday Five!

Welcome to the Friday Five, where I examine my five favorites of the week!

It’s been a long time since I’ve presented you with my five favorites of the week.  When Mikey grabbed the Friday Five reigns a while back, I just sorta abandoned the idea and let him roll with it.  But I know that you’ve all been waiting for this day.  You’ve woken up early each Friday, wondering whether or not you’d ever see one of Adam’s Friday Fives again.  Each week, utter disappointment happiness? when you find another of Mikey’s Friday Fives greeting your sight holes with a mix of humor and web videos.  Well, ladies and germs … THE WAIT IS OVER.  I’M TAKING THIS MOTHERFU¢K’N B!TCH BACK TO WHERE IT BELONGS.  HERE IS ADAM’S FRIDAY FIVE!!!!!*

First up this week is Conan O’Brien.  I’ve been a fan of Conan since his days nights on Late Night, I followed him to The Tonight Show, and now I watch him every night on his self-titled TBS show.  Together with his sidekick, Andy Richter, Conan never fails to crack me up and put me to bed in a good mood.  This week featured Beardpocalypse, where after weeks of threats, Will Ferrel shaved off Conan’s awesome ginger beard.  It left him looking oddly thin and about 30 years younger, but just as funny.

Another beardless favorite this week is Barack Obama.  And no, it’s not because of him.  It’s because of what he said about this guy.  If you haven’t seen the portion of President Obama’s 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech, then you have to check it out.  I laughed a lot … but I don’t think that Donald Trump shared in my amusement.  Enjoy!

My cat, Spring has always been a little “special” … but this week she’s been acting downright INSANE.  I’m not sure if it’s the open windows in my house or the fact that I’ve turned off the heat, but she’s been acting wayyyy weirder than normal.  She goes from super-affectionate (not normally her style), to ballistic attack (more her style), to running around the house like a maniac, viciously chasing her tail, and then standing in the kitchen and meowing at the ceiling.  I’m thoroughly enjoying the entertainment … but jeez girl, chill the frick out!

My favorite new show right now is Happy Endings, and you should be watching it!  It’s a sitcom on ABC (sorry Polt, I’m not referring to a porno or that thing you pay an extra few bucks for at the end of a massage), and stars Elisha Cuthbert (24), Damon Wayans Jr. (his dad is Damon Wayans), Zachary Knighton (FlashFoward), Eliza Coupe (Scrubs), Casey Wilson (Saturday Night Live), and Adam Pally (his IMBD resumé is kinda unimpressive).  Happy Endings is kinda like Seinfeld, meets Friends, meets 2011, meets awesome writing and hilarious comedy.  Plus Adam Pally’s character, Max, is so non-stereotypically gay that it adds a level of refreshing realism that a lot of shows with gay characters are missing.  So next time you’re watching Modern Family and Cougar Town, leave the television on for a bit longer and check out Happy Endings!  I promise it’s great!

And in the final spotlight of this week’s Friday Five are … mangoes.  Why?  Because they were on sale this week at my local grocery store, and they’re FREAK’N DELICIOUS.  I’ve watched all sorts of YouTube videos that teach me how to cut mangoes — but every time I eat one, I just give up.  I tear into it, peeling of skin, and biting at it like a ferocious animal.  When I’m finished, there’s a pile of skin and giant pit sitting in a puddle of mango juice.  My hands are wet and sticky, my mouth is dripping with sweet juice (calm down Polt), and I have all sorts of mango fibers stuck in my teeth.  MMMMM MANGOES!

This Week’s Runners Up: Long walks in the park, turning off my heat and dramatically reducing my electric bill, the fantastic return of Doctor Who, Indian guys and their tiny penises, The fact that Craig’s comment links have disappeared, some cool new character-centered X-Men trailers, Kate Middleton’s naked brother, this website, raising the roof, and hardcore gay pornography.

So that’s my Friday Five for this week: Conan O’Brien, Barack ObamaMy Insane Cat, Happy Endings, and Mangoes.  What’s your Friday Five?

*Note: Mikey is welcome to take back the Friday Five next week.  That whole opening paragraph was basically bullshit.  Actually, this whole post was basically bullshit.  We know that the only C&R posts you truly enjoy are Have You Ever?! quizzes and C&R Fight Club matches.  The rest is just in-between filler.

Just Another Manic Monday!

There are so many thoughts buzzing around my head.  It’s almost uncontrollable.  I have so many things to tell you! Oh wait, that must be because it’s just another Manic Monday!

I have awful news!  Mr. Sombrero has the flu. And while this means that we’ll probably top BC&RL2 again this week, it also means that I didn’t see him all weekend!  I’m heartless and I should be taking care of him, you say?  Nah — I don’t want to get sick too!  Get well soon, Mr. Sombrero!!

So while I home this weekend, I worked on all sorts of freelance projects.  And while I’m working on freelance projects, I’m almost always watching TV shows or movies.  This weekend I watched the first eight episodes of Wonderfalls.  Honestly, I was just sick of Craig and Enrico telling me how wonderful it is, so I decided to give it a try.  And it is pretty great!  Thanks for the suggestion!

Something else I watched this weekend?  Saturday Night Live. And while I usually just nap as I watch the snorefest that is SNL, I actually laughed a few times this week.  And I laughed especially hard at this week’s Digital Short, which starred Andy Samberg, Pee-wee Herman and Anderson Cooper.  Check it out here.

Something else that made me laugh more than expected: The Green Hornet.  I saw it on Saturday, and it wasn’t half as bad as I was expecting.  The action was fun, the script was funny, and the characters were pretty well written.  Obviously it’s not going to win any Academy Awards, but it was entertaining.

I’m also enjoying Shameless on Showtime.  It’s based on the UK series with the same name, and stars William H. Macy.  The second episode aired last night and it was great.  If you’re not watching it, you should be.

Something else you should be is excited, because I’m writing a new Have You Ever?! quiz to post later this week.  I have a feeling that a few of our readers will be scoring very high on this one.

(Dunno how to segue into this one) My skin seems to be falling off. My limbs are all flaky and disgusting.  I guess because it’s winter and the air is dry, or something?  I’ve started slathering lotion all over my arms and legs when I get out of the shower and before bed.  I thought only ladies did things like this???  Ugh.

After the lotion and before going to sleep, I usually play games on my phone.  Books be damned!  Angry Birds is my new obsession.  And last night I downloaded a free demo of Spaghetti and Marshmallows.  So fun!  I didn’t go to bed until 2.

So that’s my Manic Monday … what’s yours?  What’s on your mind today?

That Whole "TSA Pat-Down" Problem

It’s come to my attention that a lot of people are upset about the new TSA pat-down and body scanning at United States airports.  Seriously, people.  There are better things to worry about.  Just follow these simple guidelines and we’ll all get through it together.

Enjoy It.
Instead of worrying about people seeing your naked x-ray image during a body scan, welcome it!  You should be glad that anyone wants to see your disgusting body without clothing.  Look at the current US obesity statistics.  The odds are pretty good that you’re a fat, gross mess.  So just stand there and enjoy it!  Better yet, jiggle around a little.  Give ’em a show!

Be Happy That Anyone Wants To Touch You.
Worried about a creepy TSA agent touching your penis or sticking his hand inside your vajayjay?  Welcome it!  You should be glad that anyone wants to touch you … especially in the area that your bathing suit covers.  Think about it: when was the last time that anyone wanted to touch you there?  It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?  Just stand back and enjoy those wandering hands.  When you get home from your trip, put another notch in that bedpost of yours.  You deserve it.

But Don’t Enjoy It Too Much.
There’s a fine line between enjoying it, and enjoying it too much.  A gentleman by the name of Percy Cummings was recently arrested in San Francisco after ejaculating during a TSA pat-down, and is now being held without bail.

According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan.  As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.  Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused.  Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings.  The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.  Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed. (from DeadSeriousNews.com)

I usually try to follow this simple rule:  When you’re spending time with a new friend and he’s not as aroused as you are, then it’s probably not a good idea to ejaculate on him.  Especially if your last name is “Cummings” (I’m talking to you, Alan!) and you have piercings all over your dick.

And Don’t Complain!
Whining and complaining will just result in delays and harassment.  Don’t complain when the TSA agent wants to x-ray your breast milk!  A little radiation never hurt anyone, right?  If the TSA agents want to strip search your children, just let them!  There’s nothing wrong with the agent running his moist, loving hands all over your child.  It’s natural.  And if you have amazing tits and the male TSA agent wants to grope you, just get over it!  It’s your own fault that your boobs are awesome.  You should wake up every morning and expect to be groped.

Following my simple steps will ensure that your trip through the airport is quick, painless, and surprisingly pleasurable. And if you’re still having nightmares in a few weeks, then just find a support group or something. Jeez, I’m so sick of your damn complaining!