The time has come to evaluate the talents of the American Idol, Season 10. Having read that just now, you might assume that we are going to make our rankings entirely on the vocal skills they have displayed thus far. You are wrong. Mikey has not seen a single episode of this season and has no plans to do so. And that makes him fully qualified to judge each and every one of the contestants on the most important factor: their appearance. Sit back and enjoy our totally superficial ranking of the wannabes.
12. Naima Adedapo – Where to start! The mouth is large enough to consume all of the other contestants, which might be her angle. We approve her attempt to cover her hair, but seriously….not enough. Styling emergency!
11. Rachel Zevita – This is a case of trying too hard. It looks like she’s got something growing out of her eyes. It might be a disease. We advise the other singers to stay far away from her eyes. The goofy hat and the hooker lips don’t help either.
10. Ashthon Jones – We think she added some extra consonants to her first name to match the increasing volume of her hair. This big hair thing is a highly disturbing trend in this year’s pool. Ashthhththththton is the biggest offender. We are not amused.
9. Haley Reinhart – We are thankful that Haley has mild hair. But there isn’t much helping her out. Not the kinda cherubic cheeks and not the rotundish face. Nope…..no hope.
8. Lauren Turner – Holy Crap! You see how her hair wipes out ever spare pixel of blue background? Yep…it needs to be tamed. Cuz her face just can’t compete.
7. Karen Rodriguez – Karen also falls under the “needs to get it ironed and trimmed,” category, but at least she has a face that is kinda cute. We say kinda cuz she’s still in the bottom six of the chicks.
6. Lauren Alaina – Lauren is at the exact middle, because she is completely forgettable. She looks like that girl you went to HS with, but not the girl who would have been Prom Queen. That doesn’t make a star.
5. Pia Toscano – Relatively cute and with hair under control, we think that Pia could easily rise to the top. Get rid of that cheesy smile and she might be a looker… rather than a hooker.
4. Tatynisa Wilson – Tatynisa does sort of have the big hair, but her face is on the adorablish side, so we kept her near the top of our rankings.
3. Julie Zorrilla – It might be her almost sultry smile. It might be the fact that we don’t want to take a pair of hedgeclippers to her hair. We don’t care. We think that Julie is one of the more attractive ladies of this year and we are rooting for her.
2. Kendra Chantelle – Kendra looks like that girl we went to high school with who was Prom Queen. She also looks like the guy that all the dudes wanted to bang. So she landed at number 2.
1. Thia Megia – Thia is pretty, cute and she looks completely sweet. She might have made it to the top our list because we couldn’t find anything to criticize about her appearance. If she can sing, she’s got the gold.
12. Brett Loewenstern – HAIR EVERYWHERE. Dear god will it never end! Brett might be a ginger, but he doesn’t have to make it all we can see for days. The frizz makes his face look less attractive then it might be. Nope…cut the ginger.
11. Robbie Rosen – Ralph Maccio might have been cute, but Robbie Rosen’s impersonation of him is not. That cheesy grin and side-part are not helping. His face will not sing its way into our hearts.
10. Clint Jun Gamboa – It could be the Harry Potter glasses or it could be the way to prominent chin, but we just don’t think Clint has what it takes to get us going. Let’s hope his singing is better. He also kinda reminds us of the Nazi guy from Indiana Jones.
9. Jovany Barreto – Jovany tries to use his hat to distract us from the chin that just won’t quit. It doesn’t work. In fact, it makes his slender, hawkish nose less attractive. He needs to stop. Oh, and his tiny mouth is terrifying.
8.Casey Abrams – Casey has a great smile and some seriously attractive scruff, but that’s not enough to elevate him to the level of higher ranked sexy, scruffsters. Casey does have the potential to warm our souls, but he does need overcome some serious cuties.
7. Jacob Lusk – Jacob gives good smile and his overall look is potentially adorable, but it doesn’t scream top tier. Let’s hope he can work some magic with his vocals.
6. Jordan Dorsey – We can’t lie. There is something sexy about Jordan’s smile. It is enough to make use forgive his extra-long forehead. It edged him into the top six.
5. Scotty McCreery – This headshot doesn’t do much for Scotty. He has a certain Joseph Gordon-Levitt-esqueness about him. This rocketed him up to the top of our list. Now if only he would make out with Joseph Gordon-Levitt…
4. James Durbin – Durbin needs to lose the faux-hawk, but his look remind Mikey of last year’s winner’s down-home sexiness. Let’s hope he gets a new ‘do and finds his Dewyze.
3. Tim Halperin – Scruffy? Check! Great Smile? Check! Cute enough eyes and nose? Check! Tim has a lot of what we are looking for in our man. Sing out his praises.
2. Stefano Langone – We can overlook Stefano’s Jersey Shore-ness for the sake of his overall hotness. His killer smile and stunning physique make us want to get all oiled up and head to Asbury Park.
1. Paul McDonald – Paul makes our dreams come true. He is sexy, has a killer grin, and wears a beard like a second skin. If he can sing at all, we will give him our vote. Over. And Over. And Over.
Now that you know who is hot and who is not, tell us who you think stands a chance of winning this year’s contest (of looks). Please stay away from the frizzies or their hair will consume you.
Haven’t had enough of our judgments? Check out last year’s hotness ranking of the Idol boys and girls!
(Photos Source: AmericanIdol.com)