Tag Archives: quit

HAVE YOU EVER … Watched Too Much TV?

tv_graphicsI know that I watch too much TV … I’d watch it 24/7 if I could! Reality, drama, horror, gossip, comedy … I just can’t get enough! I even quit blogging so I could watch MORE TV! So let’s gauge how overboard we’re all going with the boob-tube. The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever yelled at someone for spoiling a show?
2. Have you ever not gone out with friends/family because you were going to stay in and watch an anticipated TV episode.
3. Have you ever cried because a television character died?
4. Have you ever printed out the new fall TV schedule so you could highlight what you were going to watch?
5. Have you ever had a show you absolutely needed to fall asleep to?
6. Have you ever written fan fiction that was based on a TV show?
7. Have you ever written letters to a television network demanding that they un-cancel a show?
8. Have you ever felt guilty about giving up on shows, even though they stopped being good a long time ago?
9. Have you ever watched an entire season of TV in a single weekend?
10. Have you ever watched beyond the first season of Glee?
11. Have you ever watched beyond the first season of Heroes?
12. Have you ever purchased a season or series of TV, just to keep it on the back burner in case you ever ran out of current shows to watch?
13. Have you ever loaned TV series DVDs to someone and insist they watch it immediately cause OMG it’s so good?
14. Have you ever finally caved on watching a show that everyone talks about and then get blown away by how awesome it is?
15. Was that show Mad Men?
16. …or Breaking Bad?
17. Have you ever deprived yourself of sleep so you could watch one more show?
18. Have you ever recorded entire seasons of a TV show onto DVD or VHS (or similar media)?
19. Have you ever had DVR conflicts because you want to watch more than two shows at the same time?
20. Have you ever argued with someone about which TV theme song is best?
21. Have you ever sung the Charles in Charge theme song as an opera?
22. Have you ever dreamed that a studio would actually spend money to make a Veronica Mars movie?
23. Have you ever tried to figure out who the final Cylon was?
24. Have you ever wished you lived in Stars Hollow, the fictional town where Gilmore Girls took place?
25. Have you ever gotten mad that nothing on Lost really mattered?

Tell us your total in the comments!

Thanks to Craig, for basically writing this entire post!


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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Ryan Wins!

This is it!  The final week is complete!  Today we reveal the winner of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3, the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh!  But before we make it official and name Ryan as the winner, let’s check in with our contestants one final time and find out how they’re doing.  How do they feel about the contest?  Are they proud or disappointed?  Would they do it again?  Here’s what they had to say, in order of Rudest Loser to Biggest Cock:


MR. SOMBRERO: 8th Place, RUDEST LOSER!
It’s been quite a ride. I’m nowhere near the goal I set for myself but I did manage to lose few tiny pounds of blubber. I think I would be better at it if I didn’t have to write all these weekly updates 8-/ (was that the right emoticon for rolling eyes? Anywho, I will continue ‘participating’ even after this contest is done so maybe by the next round I’ll be more disciplined. And now, if you’ll excuse me, imma go celebrate with señor Cuervo.


POLT: 7th Place!
So this is then, the Final Week. Comparing this with my first photo, you can see I lost the weight, but kept all the skin. *SIGH* What did I think of the contest? Same as the others, although it was fun to check each week and see how everybody else was doing. Would I do it again? Sure why not? I’ve been in all three of them so far, right? Why not a fourth, if there is one? And how did I do? Well, I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, but then again, weight loss has always been a secondary goal. I’m on the diet to get my blood sugar under control, per the doctor. And I won’t know how successful I was at that until the middle of June when I get my blood work results. But at any rate, it was fun, congrats to everyone who did better than me (which I presume is everyone else), and I’ll see ya all again in the fourth contest (if there IS one).


ADAM: 6th Place!
I managed to lose of bit of weight during the course of BC&RL3, but overall I’m fairly disappointed with myself. I had hoped to jump start a significant weight loss and that didn’t happen … yet. Losing weight is a constant battle and I really just need to get my head in the game. Am I proud of myself? Yes! Somebody’s gotta be proud of me! ((self hug)) Would I do it again? OF COURSE! (It’s my website, I don’t have a choice!) Love to you all and congrats to Ryan!!


TWOPI: 5th Place!
I’m submitting the same photo that I started this competition with, as I feel like I’m just getting started on my diet, WWO-style. I’m pleased that I managed some modest weight loss in BC&RL3, but I need more dramatic changes to get to where I want to be.


TAM: 4th Place!
Well, overall I’m disappointed in my result. I know it’s mostly because I didn’t exercise but it did make me more conscious of what’s going into my mouth, not a bad thing and it’s nice to know I’m not the only slack ass out there who can’t stick to a diet. Yay for the lazy dieters club. I intend on keeping up the efforts and keep trying. Maybe I’ll even put more effort in. Or not. I’m not sure but I’m going to not be so oblivious as I go forward, so thanks for that C&R, it’s been fun, sort of.


MICHELLE M.: 3rd Place!
I’m sad the contest is over. Because I’m only about halfway to my goal weight – I went from being a hippo to a pig. But I’m proud of myself because I lost 7 pounds. It’s hard for me to lose weight now that I’m older, so I’ll take what I can get. Too bad I didn’t work out… But I’m going to keep on keepin’ on until I lose the rest of the weight. I don’t want to have to participate in BC&RL 4 next year!


MIKEY: 2nd Place!
Am I proud of myself? YES! I lost more weight in this round of BC&RL than I did in the previous rounds. Also, I’m eating healthier and going to continue to lose weight even now that this stupid thing is over. I will celebrate by commencing operation starvation. Will I do the contest again? YES. Especially if I can end up winning like he was formerly in cupcake form.


RYAN: 1st Place, BIGGEST COCK!!!
I am happy to have lost some more weight, but I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t as disciplined as last time. At least I’m no longer embarrassed to take off my shirt.


And now the results:

CONGRATULATIONS RYAN!!!
YOU ARE THE BIGGEST COCK!!!
…AND You Won Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!


Have You Ever… Shat?!

Shat – past tense of shit Verb.
1. vulgar. Expel feces from the body.
2. vulgar. Soil one’s clothes as a result of expelling feces accidentally.

The rules to Have You Ever?! are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever shat in a toilet?
2. Have you ever shat because you were scared?
3. Have you ever shat while reading?
4. Have you ever shat while sending a text message?
5. Have you ever shat while talking on the telephone?
6. Have you ever shat while surfing the Internet?
7. Have you ever shat while watching TV?
8. Have you ever shat while tweeting?
9. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in your own home?
10. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in someone else’s home?
11. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in a public restroom?
12. Have you ever shat on the side of the road?
13. Have you ever shat in a porta-potty?
14. Have you ever shat in an outhouse?
15. Have you ever shat in the woods?
16. Have you ever shat in your pants by accident?
17. Have you ever shat your pants because you couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough?
18. Have you ever shat your pants while driving?
19. Have you ever shat into your hand?
20. Have you ever shat in a shower or bathtub?
21. Have you ever shat in a brown paper bag with the intent to light it on fire on someone’s doorstep?
22. Have you ever shat during sex?
23. Have you ever shat while receiving or performing fellatio (or cunnilingus) on the toilet?
24. Have you ever shat while having sex on the toilet?
25. Have you ever shat onto someone else?

Now go take a shit, wipe, pull up your pants, wash your hands, come back to the computer, and then tell us your total in the comments!


A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!


This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)


For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.


But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.


For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…


If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.


For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!


But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.


For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.


But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.


For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.


But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.


For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.


But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.


Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.


Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.


Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.


But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.


Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.


If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.


Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.


Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.


For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.


If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.


For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.


But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.


There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.


Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.


Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).


But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.


Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.


If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:


Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.


If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.


David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.


Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.


Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.


Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.


I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.


If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.


I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.


Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).


David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.


Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.


Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.


Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.


But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.


Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.


I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

The Cocky Chronicles 1.02

Episode 1.01

For more adventures of Super Viagra & Vagina Girl, go to Puntabulous.com

Oh the jobs I’ve had…

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person will have very roughly 7-10 jobs in their lifetime.  So far I’ve held 8 jobs, and I’m only 30.  But as we’ve seen in the past, I tend to not really stick to the national averages.  Here’s my rundown:

Library (duration: approx. 3 years)
My first job was at my local county library.  I was a ‘Library Page’ which was a fancy way of saying that I was a book shelver.  For my first year I shelved books in the Adult Fiction section, and then I transferred into the Children’s Room.  The Children’s Room was the best section in the library — picture books were only alphabetized by the first letter of the last name, sometimes I got to help with story time crafts, and since our library also loaned on puzzles, I occasionally had an excuse to sit on my butt and count puzzle pieces.  It was actually a pretty great job, but at minimum wage and 10 hours a week, I wasn’t really raking in much dough.  Most exciting thing that ever happened: I helped the police identify a man that flashed his junk at a little girl.

Pet Store (duration: approx. 3 years)
My second job was at a pet store.  I did everything from scrape the algae off of fish tanks to running a cash register … and everything in between.  I made some great friends at the pet store, some which I still stay in touch with today.  I purchased and adopted quite a few pets while working there, and probably funneled quite a lot of the money that I earned right back into the store. Most exciting thing that ever happened: I called the cops when a man broke our front door because he was unhappy with our return policy.

Mail room (duration: 1 summer)
During my first summer break of college, my brother scored me a job at the company where he was working.  I worked as a mail room clerk, which meant that all I had to do was sign for packages, ship packages, and go on a few ‘mail runs’ around the building each day.  It was a super-easy job that allowed me plenty of time to goof off.  I remember that on one particularly slow day, I designed a gun that could shoot a ruler quite forcefully using only Styrofoam, rubber bands and a few binder clips.  Most exciting thing that ever happened: I used to look at porn on the office computer.

Front desk receptionist (duration: 1 summer)
I guess they liked me (and never checked my Internet browser history) because I was invited back to the same company the next summer.  But since they had hired full-time staff for the mail room, I took the only available job — as a front desk receptionist.  My only real job for eight hours a day was to check in visitors and say hello to employees as they passed my desk.  Booooring!  But the money was good, and I could spend most the day surfing the Internet (this time: not porn), so I didn’t mind too much. Most exciting thing that ever happened: I used to flirt with a hot (and completely oblivious) computer nerd.

Florist (duration: 1 day)
Yup, 1 day.  I was hired by a local florist to deliver flowers.  “You’ll never have to do anything but deliver flowers,” said the owner.  My first day I was tasked with sweeping, mopping, cleaning, dusting and throwing old, dead flowers into the dumpster.  And in addition to my nearly 8 hours of janitorial services, I was sent to deliver a single flower order — and the recipient wasn’t home.  I went home feeling exhausted and filthy.  That night I called the owner and told her that I wouldn’t be returning.  Needless to say that she wasn’t happy.  She still owes a paycheck for that single day of work.  (But she’s dead now, so I doubt I’ll ever collect it!) Most exciting thing that ever happened: I drove a van. (gimme a break, I was only there for a day!)

Toy Store (duration: approx. 9 months)
This was probably the most physical job I’ve ever had.  Aside from the usual tasks of running a register, stocking shelves, etc., I was also tasked with unloading trucks and constantly carrying stock up and down a flight of stairs.  After a summer of carrying heavy plastic swimming pools up and down stairs, I found myself with a few herniated discs in my back.  And after lots of medication and some physical therapy, I opted for back surgery early in December of that year.  Early the next January, I called to tell them that I had healed enough and could return to work, but was told “Oh, sorry, we must have forgotten to contact you.  All the part time employees were laid off on Christmas.”  Douche bags.  But I did walk away with gift wrapping and ribbon curling skills that will continue to prove my homosexuality to nonbelievers for years to come. Most exciting thing that ever happened: I worked there during September 11th.

Staples (approx. 3 years)
I worked at the Staples Copy Center during the end of my college tenure, and a bit beyond it.  I was awesome at the Copy Center — but that was never good enough for the asshole customers.  I was a supervisor when I finally quit that job, and left dozens of customers that were used to only letting me do their work.  No one else could do it right.  It didn’t help that all of my high school underlings were poorly paid idiots that would screw up every job that they touched.  Whenever I complain about my current job — I remember that it could be worse.  I could still be working at Staples. Most Exciting Thing That Ever Happened: Routinely getting sexually harassed by middle-aged women, who would argue over me amongst themselves.  “He’s my copy boy!” “No, he’s my copy boy!” Gross.

Newspaper (8+ years)
And finally, my current job as a graphic designer at a group of local newspapers.  It pays poorly and stresses me out too frequently, but I’ve learned a lot of skills that will hopefully find me a much better paying job in the future. Most Exciting Thing That Ever Happened: Hopefully it hasn’t happened yet.  Because so far it’s been a total snore.

Aside from those jobs, I also currently work as a freelance graphic artist and volunteer for four hours a week at a cat shelter.

So those are all my jobs … what have you done?  And can you top my total of 8?  And when is everything just going to be free like on Star Trek so I don’t have to work?!  I keep waiting … it’s not happening.