Tag Archives: Queen

Stuff I daydream about.

Life is harsh. Sometimes the best thing to do is slip into a nice daydream. Here’s just some of the stuff I like to imagine while I’m stargazing, woolgathering or just plain avoiding reality.

My most frequent daydream is of winning the mega millions lottery.
But The Publisher’s Clearing House prize would do just fine. I’m not picky.

After I win my millions, Harry and I will travel. Some of the places I fantasize about going to are Fiji (or any tropical island, really), Santorini, Austria, Australia, The U.K., Copenhagen and Belgium (I hear they make a good french fry…).

I like to pretend that I’m a ballerina. And not just a ballerina, but a prima ballerina assoluta.

I also like to daydream that I’m a singer/songwriter with a multi-octave range.
Here I am performing at one of my sold out concerts.

One of my favorite sports is figure skating. I like to imagine what music I would skate to, what costumes I would wear and what it would feel like to win an Olympic gold medal (in my head I have also won the gold in equestrian events, diving, skiing and gymnastics).

Have you heard? I’m (supposed to be) writing a novel. Of course, I like to think it will be a #1 best selling book. It will, of course, be optioned for a movie. And I’ll have so much fun traveling around the country staying in 5 star hotels and doing book signings. Make sure you come out to see me when I come to a bookstore near you!

Naturally I’ll win a best screenplay Oscar when I adapt my book for film. I’ll receive a standing ovation for my humble and humorous, yet touching acceptance speech.

Once I win the Oscar, maybe they’ll give me a whack at writing that Wonder Woman movie I’ve been waiting for…

All my daydreams aren’t frivolous, though. Sometimes I pretend that I’ve come up with the cure for cancer, paralysis or any other number of illnesses/diseases. The Nobel prize, Time cover for Person of the Year, money and accolades will all be secondary to the knowledge that I am helping the human race.

Some of my daydreams are actually attainable. I often wish that my house was sparkling clean, my laundry and ironing is all done, the cupboards and refrigerator are filled with food, and I’m at my goal weight. Then I can completely relax while watching movies and reading a stack of books guilt-free.

So what do you like to daydream about? Flying to the moon? Scoring the game winning touchdown? Being the homecoming queen? Stealing Mr. Sombrero away from Adam? Let me know in comments!


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My week.

Monday
Harry had hockey, so Cooper and I watched The Muppets. My favorite muppet is Floyd. He’s so cool and laid back – the opposite of me! Cooper’s favorite muppet was the little girl giving Walter the side-eye. Cooper is also a big Chris Cooper fan.

Did I have a soda, candy and popcorn while watching the movie? No. I had celery sticks, apple sauce and water.

Tuesday
I checked in on the roses. After finally getting rid of whatever was eating holes in the leaves, our five rose bushes came down with powdery mildew. And just when they were looking so healthy and lush and were starting to bloom. I had to cut them all back. Boo.

I did my ironing. I hate ironing. Here is a shirt that is supposed to be “no iron”. Grrrr.

Wednesday
Wednesday we got in the car and headed to Temecula‘s wine country (about an hour north of us). Last year Harry gave me a horseback ride and wine tasting lunch for my birthday. We finally got around to doing it. My horse’s name was Rusty and Harry’s was Quincy. It was super hot, and my horse kept fighting me to be in front of the guide, but it was fun!

After our ride we went to Wilson Creek Winery for our wine tasting. Woo hoo!

Then we had lunch. The restaurant was outdoors. They had misters which was lovely on such a hot day. The rolls had cheese on them (yuck), but the crackers were pretty good. I had a (steak) salad.

Thursday
Thursday was the last day of my painting class. Some of the students brought in snacks. One of them brought chocolate cupcakes. I took one because it would have been rude of me to refuse.

Here is the painting I’ve been working on. It’s Franz Marc‘s Red Horses. It’s a little off because the dimensions of my canvas are different from the original. And I still have a lot yet to do. I’m the queen of unfinished projects, but hopefully I’ll keep working on it.

Friday
After dinner at a Mexican restaurant with friends (I had 2 daiquiris, peach and strawberry), Harry and I decided to go to the local dive bar to drink some more. He had beer and some kind of cinnamon shot thing. I had 2 rum and cokes. They have a neat jukebox with bajillions of songs.

We killed zombies, played air hockey (Harry won) and pool (Harry won – maybe it’s because I played this way…).

Saturday
We went to our local farmer’s market. We got some fresh, organic California strawberries.

Then we took the car in to Pep Boys because the air conditioner broke. This would be their second go round trying to fix it (this isn’t our first experience having to bring the car back for a re-repair). After we got there they told us to bring it back another day (after just telling us on the phone to bring it in). After we get it fixed we shall never, ever return. Manny, Mo and Jack can suck it.

We decided to have lunch in Hillcrest. We went to Freebirds World Burrito. It’s kinda like Chipotle, but with more options. Check out my huge burrito:

We sat outside and guess what music was playing? “Black Betty”. I kid you not. Also, I totally didn’t have a brownie or cookie. Willpower!

On the way home we saw this bar. It reminded me of Adam.

Sunday
I didn’t do much. I can’t find my brand of shampoo anywhere anymore, so I used this brand for the first time. It smells like flowers and fruit salad.

I also read, played on the computer and watched tv. Then I worked on Cooper’s exciting post for Monday.
Check out Cooper’s Corner for a very important announcement: http://cooperscorner.info/

So how was your weekend? And who is your favorite muppet? Let me know in comments!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 2

Our first week is complete!  Today our contestants celebrate one week into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh!  It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place.  This week, the contestants were invited to tell us what they will do to reward themselves when they attain their weight-loss goals.  Here’s what they said:



TwoPi
My mid-range goal is to lose 10% and be able to maintain that weight loss. I’m hoping to feel healthier, have better flexibility, and be able to see my doctor without having her recommend yet another fad diet. Most importantly, I don’t want to have to buy new clothes in larger sizes than what I currently wear. So I guess the prize I’m working toward is keeping my current wardrobe intact!



Mikey
My goal is to look hotter than this bitch on my wedding day.  I know that’s  tall order, but everyone knows I’m a bigger queen than she will ever be.  I’m on my way there, too!  Despite four events for Ty’s birthday (including one with a 24 course meal), I managed to lose weight this week.  I’m attributing it to the flop sweat that broke out due to my extreme anxiety during planning the parties!



Mr. Sombrero
My goal is to lose 11% in this round so I can fit into my old pantalones again.



Michelle M.
Like Tam, My goal is to fit back into my jeans. I have been wearing the same pair (or sweats) for I don’t know how long. I refuse to buy more in a bigger size when I have plenty of good ones in my closet.



Tam
Hmmm. I thought about goals. New clothes? Well, that could be a necessity. Books? Ha! That’s a given. So I decided for every 10 lbs I lose I shall buy myself a lovely bouquet of flowers to remind me of what I’ve achieved. And how many bouquets do I get this week? Blerg. Thanks to traveling and eating out and receptions and booze and pastries … NADA. But I’m home next week where I can get back on the wagon, really. I think I will print out a nice flower pic and paste it to my fridge when I get home. Maybe it will help. One can only hope.


Adam
When I attain my weight-loss goal, I’m going to get a tattoo. Not as extreme as that guy … just something small on my right forearm. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and this motivation is as good as any finally man-up and get it. Oh, and maybe I’ll go back to being a vegetarian. I’ll reward myself with tattoos and cheese!  But not a tattoo of cheese.



Ryan
Whenever I reach a weight milestone, I’m rewarding myself with music. It both motivates me to stay on course with my diet and exercise and makes sure that I put thought into what music I buy. I’ve shown a few options in my photo. PS – I’m pretty sure most of this week’s weight loss was the release of excess water and glycogen from my liver that built up from the conference the weekend before we started.



Polt
So I’m supposed to talk about my “Personal Goal Prize”. Hmm, well when I win the competition, I will have lost enough weight and firmed up enough to be able to wear one of these babies! I’m not sure WHERE I’d wear it, but that’s beside the point, cause looking like that, I’m sure I’ll find no shortage of places that would WANT me to wear it! And I do hope the pouch comes in various sizes, cause I’m gonna need a bigger pouch.


And now, the week’s results:


Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our nine contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt.  In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:

About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean.  The Queen of Spain had given him three boats:  The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic.  After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington!  Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox.  Rude!

Polt's Proud Papa!

To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow!  Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry.  That night they had crazy butt sex.  One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins!  Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth.  Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.

And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving:  the day in which we all give thanks for Polt.  We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)

But that’s not quite the end of the story.  Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday!  Here’s how it happened:

6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei.  Suddenly, something hit him right in the face!  After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)?  Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.

Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.

A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.”  Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.

The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday.  George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year.  At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.

After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.”  Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway.  In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated  him.  Bummer!

Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.”  The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping.  (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)

And that’s how Black Friday really came to be!
Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

C&R Fight Club Round 2: Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters.  We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote.  Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., Captain Kirk and Polt.

If you remember all the way back to April 14th, you’ll remember our first Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, which pitted our beloved Michelle M. against the media mogul, Oprah Winfrey.  In the end, Michelle M. destroyed Oprah with 87% of the votes.

“After weeks of exhaustive training (imagining workout montages and putting on solid muscle fat) I feel I am ready for Round 2! I WILL avenge my darling Craig by K.O.ing the crap out of Kirk. He’s ancient and fat and his toupee and girdle will be his undoing. I think of Polt as a lover and not a fighter, so as long as I pay a few half-naked Asianswithhairthings to sit on the sidelines and distract him I am golden. Plus, I’m counting on the fact that Mama Polt taught her boy to never hit a lady. I AM TOO A LADY, SHUT UP! Anyway, if none of the above works, I will just unleash the Power of PMS. VICTORY IS MINE!!” -Michelle M.

In our shocking second Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, Puntabulous’s Craig faced off against Star Trek’s Captain Kirk.  And in a shocking turn of events, Captain Kirk beat Craig with 52% of the vote.  Craig has the distinction of being the only real contestant in the history of C&R Fight Club to lose his battle against a fictional or celebrity contestant.

“Captain’s log, Star date 201108.18.  I’ve never trusted Polt and Michelle M., and I never will. I could never forgive them for the death of my boy.  Cocky & Rude Fight Club: the final frontier. These are the voyages of CAPTAIN MOTHERFUCK’N KIRK!!! My five-year mission: to destroy Polt & Michelle M., and win C&R Fight Club!! I  KHAAANNNN’T LOSE!!” -Captain James Tiberius Kirk

The third C&R Fight Club battle was a duel between the greatest queen that North America has ever seen and the United Kingdom’s actual Queen.  Polt easily beat Queen Elizabeth II to a bloody pulp when he earned 95% of the vote.

“Me versus Michelle M. & Kirk?  I should be worried right?  One is guy who defeated Craiggers and the other is Michelle M. (nuff said there, eh?).  But am i worried?  HELL NO!  Kirk doesnt bother me cause I know Battlestar Galactica kicks Star Trek’s ass any day of the week, so I’ll just channel some hard core Admiral Adama anger and take him right out!  And as for Michelle M., well no one wants to go up against her, do they, cause she’s so sweet and nice and Michelle M.-ey.  But I know the truth.  I know how to beat her: I’ll get a group of noisy kindergarten kids on one side of her and a tipsy VUBOQ with bottles of his homemade alcoholic creations on the other and then, while she’s distracted, I’ll just overwhelm her with the purpleness of my being!!!!  MWahahahahahaha!!!!   And if that doesn’t work, I’ll ask her very nicely, pretty please, with sugar and a cherry on top, to just lay down and pretend I beat her so that I don’t have to live with the embarrassment of being defeated by a woman smaller than the lower half of my right leg.    BRING IT ON, BIIIIIIIII-OTCHESSSSSSS!!!!!!” -Polt


Who will win in the battle of  Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt?  There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. & Polt for your assistance with this post!

The (not) Friday Five!


Every Friday either Adam or Mikey shares his five favorite things of the week. But why should they have all the fun? Here is my list of what was awesome this week:


1. Anna and Kristina’s Grocery Bag
I discovered this show on OWN (thanks Oprah!). They are showing all 3 seasons and I am currently having an A&K marathon. Anna and Kristina’s Grocery Bag is a cooking show where the hosts review popular cookbooks by cooking some of the recipes within. They also give tips about food and preparation as well as testing ingredients and cooking equipment. At the end of their cooktime they invite a chef over to taste and critique. I love when the chefs taste their food (or just look at it) and crack up. Anna and Kristina make me laugh – I would love to hang out with them. Plus – they’re Canadian*! They often (always) make mistakes (either their own or through the fault of the cookbook). Anyone who’s ever had a disaster in the kitchen can relate.

*Tam, Kristen and Nathan – why didn’t you tell me about this awesome show??


2. Unrecognizable actors
I just watched I Love You Phillip Morris – the movie was amusing (and based on a true story). When watching the credits at the end, I was dumbfounded that the character of Jim Carrey’s lover was played by Ewan McGregor. I didn’t even recognize him! I feel he really disappeared in this role. I don’t see this often (Tom Cruise is always Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson is always Jack Nicholson, Jennifer Aniston – well, you get it). So props to Ewan for being such a great chameleon.


3. vuboq’s cherry drink
I think of vuboq as the “queen of cocktails.” So, when I saw this drink on his blog, I just knew I had to try it.

Cherry Caipirissima (from the NYT’s article on simple summer cocktails)
3 cherries, pitted and halved
3/4 oz simple syrup (vuboq used Rose’s Lime Stuff)
2 lime wedges
2 oz of white rum
6 ice cubes

In a cocktail shaker, muddle the cherries and lime wedges with the syrup. Add the rum and ice cubes. Shake like the dickens. And pour into a rocks glass.

*I didn’t have cherries or limes, so I used strawberries and lemons. And I used vodka instead of rum. And I was too lazy to make simple syrup, so I substituted lemonade. It was super delicious! Thanks vuboq!

4. Asian kids!
They sing! They dance! They play musical instruments! They’re adorable and I can’t get enough. And Tam says they’re only $20,000. I better start saving up! (do I get my money back if they can’t sing or dance?) This little cutie is so talented he makes Crocs look good.


5. Me!
Thanks to being a Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser loser, I finally weigh enough to donate blood! Soon, some unfortunate soul will receive an infusion of AWESOME. And maybe now I’ll get into heaven!

This week’s runners up include: The premiere of Project Runway and all the other reality tv I’m watching, and that’s about it. I need a life.