Tag Archives: poor

Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 


Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!


Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!


Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!


Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!


Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.


Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?


Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!


Have a question for Adam? Email him today!

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Have You Ever … Had Poor Etiquette?!

How are you celebrating National Etiquette Week (May 14th – May 18th)?  Have you been kind to everyone in your life … even those smelly strangers?  Is your life bursting at the seams with love, respect and good manners?  Or maybe you’re a awful, nasty c-bag to everyone in your life.  Either way, we’re about to find out!

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever been late?
2. Have you ever forgotten to introduce a date, friend or acquaintance to a group of new people?
3. Have you ever regifted a gift?
4. Have you ever forgotten to RSVP?
5. Have you ever taken the last bit of coffee and not made a new pot at work?
6. Have you ever commented negatively about someone on Facebook?
7. Have you ever farted in a public place?
8. Have you ever smoked a cigarette really close to non-smokers?
9. Have you ever cut in line?
10. Have you ever remained seated on public transportation when a disabled or elderly person was forced to stand?
11. Have you ever hogged a sidewalk so no one could pass you?
12. Have you ever clipped your nails (or otherwise groomed yourself) in public?
13. Have you ever engaged in excessive PDA?
14. Have you ever hit all the buttons in an elevator?
15. Have you ever let the doors close instead of holding an elevator for someone?
16. Have you ever skipped the tip at a restaurant?
17. Have you ever made a lot of noise in a quiet movie theater?
18. Have you ever left pubes, pee, poo or any other mess in or on a public toilet without cleaning it up?
19. Have you ever coughed or sneezed onto someone else?
20. Have you ever had a conversation with someone on speakerphone in a public place?
21. Have you ever used profanity in front of children in a public place?
22. Have you ever talked with your mouth full?
23. Have you ever behaved rudely at the gym? (not wiping off machines, monopolizing machines, etc.)
24. Have you ever not held the door for someone when entering or exiting a store?
25. Have you ever stared at someone’s boobs instead of their face when they were talking to you?

Tell us your total in the comments!


MEATOUT: Have you ever… been a vegan?!

HAPPY MEATOUT!  Meatout is the world’s largest grassroots diet education campaign. Today, thousands of caring people in all 50 U.S. states and two dozen other countries encourage their friends, families, and communities to “kick the meat habit” and explore a wholesome, compassionate diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. The purpose is to expose the public to the joys and benefits of a plant-based diet, while promoting the availability and selection alternatives to meat and dairy in mainstream grocery stores, restaurants, and catering operations. (source)

You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever considered a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle?
2. Have you ever been a vegetarian?
3. Have you ever been a vegan?
4. Have you ever tried an alternative milk beverage (Soy, Rice, Hemp, Almond, etc.)?
5. Have you ever tried a non-meat burger (veggie burger, soy burger, etc.)?
6. Have you ever tried a vegan baked good?
7. Have you ever purchased “mock meat” (alternative burgers, hot dogs, cold cuts, etc.) from the supermarket? (on purpose)
8. Have you ever purchased a frozen vegetarian or vegan prepared meal from the supermarket? (on purpose)
9. Have you ever tried a vegan yogurt?
10. Have you ever tried vegan cheese?
11. Have you ever tried vegan ice cream?
12. Have you ever cooked a vegetarian or vegan meal? (on purpose)
13. Have you ever tried tempeh?
14. Have you ever cooked tempeh?
15. Have you ever tried tofu?
16. Have you ever cooked tofu?
17. Have you ever tried seitan?
18. Have you ever cooked seitan?
19. Have you ever tried TVP (textured vegetable protein)?
20. Have you ever cooked TVP (textured vegetable protein)?
21. Have you ever read literature that explains how a vegan lifestyle is better for the planet?
22. Have you ever read literature that explains how a vegan lifestyle is better for your health?
23. Have you ever watched a sad PETA-style video that illustrates how factory farmed animals are poorly treated?
24. Have you ever purposefully purchased vegan clothing (faux leather, non-leather shoes, etc.)
25. Have you ever made fun of a vegan or vegetarian?

Barf up your total in the comments!


How often do you wash your clothes?

If only I had some bitch to wash my clothes for me!

In continuing with my theme of blog posts to gross out Michelle M. (please see this week’s offerings on nose picking and farting), today we will be talking about how often you wash your clothing.   If you’re like me, laundry day is a real chore.  I live in an apartment that offers no on-site laundry facilities.  Luckily, my parents live pretty close by and are always willing to let me “borrow” their washer and dryer for a few hours.  Hey I’m poor and I gotta save money where I can!

Laundry day is a huge process that usually requires me to roll out of bed at least 3 minutes earlier than normal.  On days that I do laundry, I have to collect my dirty laundry from all over the house, stuff it into my laundry basket (which more often than not is still half-full of clean clothing from the previous wash), then load it all into the car, drive to one of my parent’s houses, lug it into their basement, steal laundry detergent & fabric softener sheets, press buttons, turn knobs, and then visit with them (a.k.a. play with my cell phone and ignore them) for a few hours.  Ugh!

Clearly not my laundry. (Not enough plaid!)

My solution?  Try to wash my clothing as infrequently as possible while continuing to be obsessively clean!  Here are my rules:

Underpants must be washed daily (see yesterday’s post).  I’m vegan, and my underpants can fill up with perfumy glitter pretty quickly — especially when Brussels sprouts are on sale at the grocery store.  Same thing goes for socks … I never want to chance smelling like feet!

Pajamas are never worn.  Why waste the space in the washer?  And going commando at bedtime is just so freeing!

Sheets are washed once a week, especially during the summer.  The idea of sleeping on dirty sheets grosses me out.

Towels are washed once every 3-4 days, and air-dried after each use in between.  I do the same thing with kitchen towels (because they don’t take up much space in the washer and are better for the environment (and wallet) than paper towels).

Is this what I'm missing at the laundromat?

Shirts are washed on a sliding scale.  I’m paranoid that someone at work will notice me wearing the same shirt as the day before — but (especially during the winter months) I’m always trying to come up with ways that I can stretch a shirt into 2 or 3 days of wear.  Maybe a t-shirt from Sunday can double as an undershirt on Monday?  Or one day’s t-shirt can be the next day’s gym shirt?

Sweatshirts, especially my favorite variety: the zipper hoodie are washed AS INFREQUENTLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  I never wear just a sweatshirt, so when I wear a one, it’s basically a jacket.  Plus when you wash them, they get all pilly and uncomfortable and start to shrink and UGH!  I only wash them when I absolutely have to (when they start to STINK).  Sometimes I’d rather just buy a new one.

Pants I’m blessed (thank you, FSM!) to have a job without a dress code, so I wear jeans every day of the week.  Although you can actually go for over a year without washing jeans, I tend to wear mine for about 4 days between washes.  My mother thinks this is gross and washes hers after a single day of wear.

Laundry, like cooking and cleaning, is best done by women.

Everything Else gets the sniff test.  Gym clothes are washed pretty often (for obvious reasons).  I never wash my jackets or shoes (out of fear that they’ll fall apart).  I try to wash blankets whenever I can, but they only find their way into a washer every few months if they’re lucky.

So how often do you wash your clothes?  Am I gross or overly clean?  Next time that you see me in person, will you cross the street or give me a big hug?  Lemme know in the comments!

By the way, if anyone would like to buy any of my dirty clothes (for sniffing, burning, voodoo dolls, bizzare sexual fetishes, or any other reasons), please email me.

A Cocky & Rude Christmas Carol 1.04

episode 1.01 | episode 1.02 | episode 1.03