Tag Archives: Perfect

How To Get Super Ripped So Everyone Wants To Have Sex With You!

I was paging through the latest issue of Details magazine and I don’t know why, but this article caught my eye.

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It’s all about The Six Fastest Ways To Get Ripped; which are (1) pull-ups, (2) bench presses, (3) squats, (4) farmers walks*, (5) military presses* and (6) deadlifts*. BUT I DISAGREE! That list is complete bullshit.

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Here’s my list of The Fastest 6 Ways to Get Ripped:

1. Have good genes.
2. Exercise 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

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3. Take lots of steroids.
4. Never eat anything that tastes good.

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5. When the photographer comes, make sure you’re super tan, dehydrated, and covered in oil.
6. Make sure that they Photoshop the crap out of you so you look perfect!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are super ripped and everyone wants to have sex with you!

*You may be wondering WTF farmers walks, military presses and deadlifts are. I have no idea. If I had actually read the article, I could probably tell you.


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Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 


Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!


Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!


Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!


Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!


Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.


Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?


Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!


Have a question for Adam? Email him today!

Who are you? FIND OUT!

Let’s Laugh At Some Dental Druggies!

Dentists can be pretty awful motherfu¢kers!  They’re always digging around in your mouth, ripping out your teeth, drilling, scraping, and all sorts of crap.  They cut you, they hurt you, they leave you feeling like crap AND they take all your money!  The only good thing that they do is give you druuuugs.  And when you’re high on laughing gas and general anesthesia, your awful family and loved ones record you and then post it on YouTube so we can all laugh at you!  Check out these three drugged-out lunatics and then vote for your favorite:

 

Have you ever been a dental druggy? Or are your teeth perfect in every way? Let’s talk about it in the ‘ments.

Urinalysis

Not too long ago, Mikey linked me to an amusing chart that’s been circulating the net.
Behold, the Boy Scouts of America’s Urine Color Chart:

Normally I avoid all things BSA (because, well, I’m not “morally straight“) but this
was too good to pass up.  Of course, I had to make a few additions to the color chart.
I’m sure these will all be included in the next edition of the Boy Scout handbook.

Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.

6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.

11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.

16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.

21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.

26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.

31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.

36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).

41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.

46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.

Have You Ever … While Holiday Shopping?!

While most of us really enjoy the holiday season, between the holiday parties, the baking, the holiday cards, drawing A Cocky & Rude Christmas Carol and finding the perfect gifts for everyone, we place pretty heavy demands on ourselves.  Do you ever let the stresses of holiday shopping get to you?  Just what have you done while holiday shopping?  We’re about to find out…

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever gone from store to store looking for a particular item while holiday shopping?
2. Have you ever paid extra for a highly sought-after item while holiday shopping?
3. Have you ever spent more money than you were intending while holiday shopping?
4. Have you ever spent more money on yourself than on others while holiday shopping?
5. Have you ever made a commitment to only shop locally or in non-chain stores while holiday shopping?
6. Have you ever used a price comparison app on your smart phone or mobile device while holiday shopping to make sure that you get the best deals?
7. Have you ever skipped traditional holiday shopping and made all of your own holiday gifts?
8. Have you ever donated to charities instead of going holiday shopping?
9. Have you ever done all of your holiday shopping online?
10. Have you ever done all of your holiday shopping at a single store?
11. Have you ever done all of your holiday shopping in a single day?
12. Have you ever done all of your holiday shopping at a convenience store or gas station?
13. Have you ever completed your holiday shopping before December?
14. Have you ever procrastinated until Christmas Eve to do your holiday shopping?
15. Have you ever outsourced your holiday shopping to a family member or significant other?
16. Have you ever holiday shopped on Black Friday?
17. Have you ever holiday shopped on Cyber Monday?
18. Have you ever been rude to a store employee while holiday shopping?
19. Have you ever demanded to speak to a manager while holiday shopping?
20. Have you ever gotten into a screaming match with another customer while holiday shopping?
21. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight with another customer while holiday shopping?
22. Have you ever swiped something from another shopper’s cart while holiday shopping?
23. Have you ever started crying while holiday shopping?
24. Have you ever shoplifted while holiday shopping?
25. Have you ever had sex (with a significant other, store worker, complete stranger, etc.) while holiday shopping?

Tell us your total in the comments!