1. Michelle M.
2. Michelle Obama
3. Michelle “Mush” Morgan
4. Michelle Pfeiffer
5. Michelle Williams
1. Michelle M.
1. Michelle M.
2. Michelle Obama
3. Michelle “Mush” Morgan
4. Michelle Pfeiffer
5. Michelle Williams
Did you hear the news?! Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development has been FIRED!* My sources say that it was something to do with his smarmy attitude, giant teeth and lazy eye. I guess that people just couldn’t stand him anymore! In his absence, the Bravo Television Network has hired ME to develop a whole new slate of reality programming for the network. And who better to star in my new reality shows, than all my friends? Behold, Bravo’s new season of shows:
Mikey’s Getting Married! – A show that follows Mikey and Jeopardy! Champion Ty as they plan their nuptials. Episodes will focus on each detail of the wedding planning process, including an episode where their Save The Date card goes through 18 revisions before it is ready to send. The first season will culminate with a wedding, and season two will be retitled: Mikey’s Ever After.
Queen of Smut – This show follows the ultimate Queen of Smut, Tam, as she explores the world of M/M Slash Fiction. Tam travels the world to create the ultimate international collection of gay smut fiction, which will be cross-promoted and published by Bravo at the end of the season. Episodes will focus on every detail of the process, including author interviews, cover shoots, behind-the-scenes negotiations and Tam’s drunken exploits in New Orleans.
The Fabulous World of Polt – Polt became a worldwide sensation when he posted a photo of his nude ass online for the world to see. But that’s hardly the (rear) end of his story! Join Polt each week as he explores his fabulous world in search of hookups, obscure Star Trek novels, purple place mats, Superman t-shirts and the ultimate prize: true love.
Michelle Wins Everything – Each week, this game show will feature multiple contestants facing off against Michelle M. in a variety of challenges. The catch? They will never win! Michelle M. is perfect in every way, and will therefore win everything. There’s only one winner in this fantastic new reality game show!
It’s Just Craig – Craig amused us for years with his popular blog, Puntabulous. But then he quit! Is that the end of the story? This new series follows our favorite has-been star, Craig, as he strives to find his new place in the world. Will he return to blogging? Will he live happily ever after with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman? You’ll find out in Bravo’s new series: It’s Just Craig.
Mush & Friends – In this blatant rip-off of MTV: Canada & Logo’s hit show, 1 Girl 5 Gays, Bravo’s Mush & Friends is destined to be a hit! Each week, Mush Morgan will sit down with a rotating cast of 5 guests to answer 21 questions about love, life and sex. Panelists expected to appear: Chris D., Enrico, Jere, Jeliot, Josh, Justin, Mel, Mikey, Adam, Polt, Nathan, Justin**, Ryan, VUBOQ, FDot, TwoPi, Ty and M. Nico***!
It’s A Math Math World – TwoPi, Xi_Heather and the rest of their family star in this reality show about their exciting lives in the world of math! Hopefully it’s more exciting than it sounds.
VUBOQ: Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen – This self-titled series follows VUBOQ as he makes pottery, runs marathons, travels around the country, and has sex with every letter of the alphabet.
Watch What Happens Live with Adam & Michelle – Taking over the reins from the recently terminated Andy Cohen are new co-hosts, Adam and Michelle! Who better to interview all Z-list celebrities than these amazing new Bravo personalities? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO.
Rounding out Bravo’s schedule will be the returning hits: Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Flipping Out!, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Kathy (plus celebrity guests, minus the theme song), Tabatha Takes Over, and a brand new season of the previously cancelled series, Work Out. I’m going to cancel all of the Real Housewives shows and everything else because it’s all just crap.
So what do you think? Will I succeed as the new Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development, or will I fail? What shows will you watch? And what other shows would you love to see? Tell me all about it in the comments!
*This whole post is a lie!
**Who invited him?!
***He probably won’t show up.
Let’s face it. Most of our readers beginning to look a little long in tooth. Some of you only have a few more good years before your insides dry up and begin to reject the idea of baby-making. It’s right time that we all started rubbing our nether regions together with the single goal of squirting out the next generation of bloggers, before it’s too late. Gay, straight, indifferent, not even human? I don’t care what you are! Start banging, because we need to procreate!
But which of us will create beautiful babies, and which of us will create horrible monsters, unlike the world has ever seen? Let’s find out! Using
a time traveling device the miracle of online baby face generators, I’ve taken a peek into the future to see what each of our offspring will look like. Here are the results:
How about the happily married wonder-couple of the blogosphere: Harry and Michelle?
They’d welcome this curly-haired little cutey!
Ever wonder what a Super-Michelle would look like? Let’s mate two Michelles and find out!
But I’m guessing that Polt would rather have an African American baby
with Craig, whose bushes he normally inhabits.
Mel is a veterinarian, so we’ve paired him with a bunny: John!
Their bestiality would unleash this little monster upon the world.David and David have the same name … so why shouldn’t they make a baby?
They’d have this ugly, cross-eyed, round-headed, little puffer fish baby.
Everyone’s favorite (non-Tam) Canadians, Kristen “The Kid” and Nathan.
What an … unexpectedly Asian baby they’d produce!
What kind of baby would Ryan have with his true love?
This one — presumably with delicious cream filling!
This round-headed little monster is the product of Jere and Chris D.!
Please be responsible parents and wash your kid’s dirty face!
Paul made FDot a little less pure when they got together and created this little joy.
The only perfect mate for Justin is the website, Wikipedia.
Together, they’d create this all-knowing, all-correcting, asterisk-loving little egghead.
And finally … let’s mate Craig with his beloved Super Viagra & Vagina Girl.
Or, seeing the results … maybe we shouldn’t.
So which is your favorite baby? Tell us who should mate (and who shouldn’t) in the comments!
Ladies and gentleman, please allow me to welcome you to the first annual Cocky Awards! Throughout the month of December, Mikey and I will be awarding these glorious trophies to all of our (and your) favorites of 2010. So sit back, relax and enjoy the show!
You probably remember back in September when our 8-week weight-loss extravaganza, Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser drew to a close. Some people gained a lot, and some lost a lot (and have since gained most of it back). While Enrico may have walked away with the big prize (Enrico, before you yell at me: I mailed it yesterday, I swear!!), there are a couple more people that deserve awards. Let’s get to it!
BC&RL FAN FAVORITE: Michelle #2
Michelle may gained seven pounds during our weight-loss competition. She may have had ankles that resembled water balloons. She may have finished last. But we loved Mush, who decided to quit smoking during the contest. We embraced her decision and rooted her on. That’s why Michelle won the coveted Fan Favorite Cocky!
BC&RL FAVORITE NON-CONTESTANT: Mel
Even thought he didn’t want to participate in the contest, Mel made a point of updating us on his weight-loss and exercise accomplishments every week. Instead of congratulating the winners in our final BC&RL post, he simply said: “I can still outrun all of y’all now.” You might be better than all of us, but we all love you Mel!
BC&RL LEAST EFFORT: Spring
Was she even aware that she was in a contest? Of course not! It was all kibble, all the time for our favorite fuzzy little lady. She spends about 99% of her day napping. The other 1% of her day is spent biting, scratching and mauling any human or inanimate object that comes in her way. Congratulations to Spring!
BC&RL CURVIEST: Mikey
First he gained weight, then he lost weight, then he gained weight, then he lost weight, then he gained weight, then he lost weight, then he gained weight, then he lost weight, or something like that. His weigh-loss and gain chart was all over the place! Mikey was an impressive flip flopper, and for that he wins the Curviest Cocky!
And this concludes today’s Cocky Awards. Leave your kind words of congratulation and your acceptance speeches in the comments!
It’s not over yet! Look for Cocky Award posts throughout the month of December, culminating in our Reader’s Choice Cocky Awards results on December 30th and 31st! The third in a series of Reader’s Choice ballots posts today at noon.
It’s a place of business! Put your overused penises away! Cover those filthy vaginas! What’s WRONG with all of you people?! Here are the results (so far) of our Have You Ever… At Work? game:
The time has come to end our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. The wait is over! You will finally learn who has lost their way to the top (or gained there way to the top, Enrico’s reverse competition really throws our puns for a loop). So which of our lovely contestants will walk away with the grand prize? Let’s see!
LAST PLACE & RUDEST LOSER: Michelle #2 (-5.30%)
I’m the most average person in the world. I’m of average height, average weight, and average intelligence. My name starts with an M, so whether they start roll call at the beginning or the end of the alphabet, I’m still in the middle. While I never win contests, I never lose them either. Being in last place is an accomplishment for me; it means I’m not in the center of the curve! Also, they weighed me at my doctor’s appointment today. I’m down to seven pounds above my starting point. Just sayin’.
SEVENTH PLACE: Michelle #1 (-0.89%)
Mikey: So Michelle, how did you do in the BCRL challenge?
Michelle: After all is said and done, I ended up gaining only one pound (crams french fries in mouth).
Adam: Geez. Wasn’t the point of the contest to LOSE weight?
Michelle: LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING! Anyway, Adam did better because he only eats twigs and seeds. So, I graciously concede defeat. And will console myself with a brownie. Or two.
FIFTH PLACE TIE: Polt (0.00%)
So I’m in fifth place. I’m gonna assume that’s not last place, so that’s one good thing. I ended up exactly where I started, so I suppose everything balanced out in the end, right? I’d say congrats to those who finished before me but 1) I don’t know who they are and 2) I’m not a gracious loser. And since I didn’t end up losing any weight at all, apparently I’m not any kind of loser. And as for a final indignity, I was tied in the contest with a cat. *SIGH* I need to now go eat something Mexican. Or Asti & peanuts. Or something purple.
FIFTH PLACE TIE: Spring (0.00%)
Two months ago, unbeknownst to me, Adam signed me up for a weight-loss competition. Then last week, I’m checking out some hot male pussy on the net and somehow I stumbled upon this website. How fucking rude to enter me in a weight loss competition and not even tell me. Of course I didn’t lose any weight … I didn’t know I was supposed to lose weight! How humiliating. But don’t worry … Adam will bleed for this. A lot.
FOURTH PLACE: Mikey (0.93%)
As one of the organizers of this contest, I knew it was rigged from the beginning. Adam only allowed Spring to participate as a form of magical vegan, animal loving, slight of hand that distracted us from the true project. He made us feel that we were all doing well as long as we were doing better than the cat, when I don’t think he tried to starve that cat at all. I’m very upset.
THIRD PLACE: Matt (4.00%)
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I’m the 3rd biggest cock? Feels like I’m right back in the high school locker room. So does this mean that if the 1st and 2nd biggest cocks can’t perform, I’m the go-to cock? Again, just like the locker room. I want to thank all my fellow participants whose guilty admissions of eating baked goods, cheez-its, and chocolates allowed me to forgive myself for my own terrible habits. And a special shout-out to Spring, whose bitchy aloofness towards this whole contest fueled me with the fiery rage to keep on trying. I may not have gotten all of those 10 pounds off, but I came pretty close. A personal victory! Huzzah!
SECOND PLACE: Adam (6.01%)
I’m happy. Sure, I didn’t win first place. Sure, I need to plunk down some cold hard cash to buy Enrico a prize (even after his mean joke…). But I still lost a bunch of weight! I still fit into almost all the clothes in my closet! And I still beat almost all of you losers! Yay! Note to self: Don’t let a ‘gainer’ compete with the ‘losers’ if we ever decide to have another Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest…
FIRST PLACE & BIGGEST COCK: Enrico (-6.36%)
I won?!?! Oh wait, I’m not surprised. First of all, I’d like to thank the other competitors for being such slackers. Next, I’d like to thank my homegirls Betty Crocker and Sara Lee. Also, I’d like to thank Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry, Brand New and Damien Rice for making music that inspired me to lay in bed and cry rather than exercise. Finally I’d like to thank Michelle McKee. NOW WHERE IS MY PRIZE?!?!