Tag Archives: McDonalds

Finding The Perfect Fry

Once upon a time my favorite food was the french fry. When I was a kid, if we went to a fast food restaurant, my go-to meal would be two large fries and a chocolate shake (yikes). Back then, fries were delicious, greasy and salty. Nothing like the “healthier” fries of today (which are hard, dry and tasteless). Why they are trying to make fries “healthier” is a mystery to me. If I wanted to eat something nutritious, it wouldn’t be french fries in the first place.

After eating a few too many dud spuds, I decided to see if there were any good fries out there.
What follows is my quest for the perfect fry.

McDonald’s – Not bad. Not great. They’re best if they’re fresh from the fryer. And you have to eat them before they become cold and hard.

Jack in the Box – They taste almost exactly like McDonald’s.

Burger King – Too crisp, too dry.

Wendy’s – “Natural cut” fries. Too crispy and dry. The sea salt didn’t adhere.

Islands – They’re cut fresh daily and supposedly “cooked to perfection.”  If “perfection” means so dry the salt bounces off them, then I guess they are. I wouldn’t order them again.

T.G.I. Friday’s used to have some pretty good fries – with a yummy seasoning. But not anymore.
Pass.

Chili’s – meh.

Carl’s Junior – I need some more adjectives for “dry” and “tasteless”.

Callahan’s – We usually just go here for the beer. If I have enough to drink, I usually want some french fries. Theirs are okay. But only if they’re fresh from the fryer. The cajun spice helps.

Applebee’s – Maybe the best of the bunch. Not fantastic, but not disappointing.

Arby’s – they only have the curly fries in my location (which are almost an entirely different animal, due to the seasoning), but I tried them anyway. They were greasy (which is good) but had been in the fryer a little too long (which made them too hard). I couldn’t taste the seasoning on my batch at all.

Brazen BBQ in Hillcrest – Man, were these bad. They were like the potato sticks you buy in a can from the grocery store. Sadness.

Brewski’s is a little hamburger place in my neighborhood. The burgers are good, but the fries aren’t.

Fatburger – The fat fries are pretty good. But only fresh from the fryer. You can see in the picture the shine of grease on the fry. That is always a good sign.

Five Guys – I went here with Ryan. They give you a TON of fries, which is great. And from the picture, they look nice and greasy. I was too busy yapping to remember how they tasted. I know I didn’t finish them all, but that was due to trying not too look like a pig in front of the svelte Ryan, and not because of the taste.

Red Robin – Pretty good when fresh. But not outstanding. They say the baskets of fries are “endless”, but they only put in about 5 at a time.

Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza – Dry, tasteless and disappointing. Boo.

SeaWorld – Surprisingly good. You have to eat them quickly, before the sea gulls try to swipe them.

Smashburger – These fries were horrible. So bland and dry. I didn’t even want to finish them. I threw about half of them away.

In-N-Out – Their fries are cut right in front of you, so you’d think they’d be fresh and delicious. But they’re just hard little bits of tasteless potato.

Fuddruckers fries are pretty darn good. They’re nice and soft and have a tasty seasoning on them.

Sonic – They were good. There were a few really good soggy, greasy ones in there.

As you can see, this Sonic fry passes the flaccid test.

Now that I’ve sampled so many of the fries in my area, I’ve come to the conclusion that the perfect fry no longer exists. And that french fries are no longer my favorite food. And that I need to start eating salad.

This post is dedicated to Fat Betty.

Blam!

So what french fries are good in your neck of the woods? Do you think I’ll ever eat a french fry again? Did you read this whole post? It was really long. What is your favorite food? Let me know in comments!


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True Confessions

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!


This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)


For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.


But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.


For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…


If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.


For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!


But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.


For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.


But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.


For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.


But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.


For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.


But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.


Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.


Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.


Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.


But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.


Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.


If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.


Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.


Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.


For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.


If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.


For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.


But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.


There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.


Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.


Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).


But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.


Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.


If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:


Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.


If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.


David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.


Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.


Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.


Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.


I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.


If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.


I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.


Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).


David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.


Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.


Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.


Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.


But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.


Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.


I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

i don’t get it.


There are many things that confound me. Here are some of them.

1. Joanna Newsom
She’s a singer (if you can call that awful noise coming out of her singing). I don’t even know if I like her songs, because I can’t get past her disturbingly odd, babyish voice. It makes me want to stab someone everyone. YUCK. I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to an entire song, so here’s a brief (you’re welcome) taste of her singing in a commercial. How is she successful? Who is buying her records? For the love of god, why won’t someone stop her? I don’t get it.


2. The Lottery
I don’t get why I can’t win the damn thing. I would be sooo good at being filthy rich.


3. French fries
Why can’t I find good french fries? I like a nice, hot, greasy fry. Greasy enough that the salt sticks to them (and doesn’t bounce off). I do not like firm, crispy fries! When you hold them they should be flaccid. Now, McDonalds (circa the seventies) made a great fry. Alas, the movement to make healthy fries ruined what used to be my favorite food. If I wanted to be healthy, I would eat a frickin’ apple. And what’s with the weird coating some of them have? Lame. And I hate that they turn into hard, dry matchsticks if you don’t eat them quickly enough. It’s all so very sad. I just don’t get it.


4. aging
Why is anti-aging research not a priority? Who cares about new football stadiums, flying cars, diseases, space exploration and wars if I am not around to enjoy them? I don’t get it. Don’t scientists and the powers that be in government not realize that they are aging too? They need to get on this stat. I’m falling apart here!


5. Wonder Woman movie
I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t want to see a Wonder Woman movie? No one, that’s who. Will I ever get to see Princess Diana on the silver screen in my lifetime? C’mon Hollywood – give the people (me) what they want. For crying out loud, Elektra, Daredevil, Captain America and the Green Lantern got their own movies. Even stupid Thor got a movie. Speaking of which, have you seen Conan’s version? OMG, it’s brilliant. ker-SMASH!

Other things I don’t get: math, the Kardashians, football, duckface, steampunk and sushi. What don’t you get? Let me know in comments!

Adam’s Fiery Fro!

Last week Adam got the greatest makeover ever. With his upgrade the world is Adam’s oyster. Let’s explore some of the many ways that Adam can capitalize on those comely, carmine curls…

After Adam perfects his “wet on wet technique” he can get busy painting fluffy white clouds and happy little trees.

Sweet Georgia Brown! Adam can go on the road as a Globetrotter and put those ball-handling skills of his to good use.

Don’t you think Paul Simon has been on his own long enough?

A space orgy sounds like something right up Adam’s alley.

Adam, did you bring Kristen Wiig’s Gilly character out of retirement? Adam? Adam? Aaaadam?

What’s funnier than one carrot top? Two carrot tops! This act may require more than the two-drink minimum
– and don’t forget to take care of your server.

Awww… don’t you just want to squeeze the stuffing out of him? Adam will be what everyone wants under their Christmas tree! Or menorah! Or Kwanzaa kinara. Or whatever. sheesh.

Something tells me this is a role Adam could sink his teeth into.

I hear there’s an opening.

Adam better not drop us to hang out with his new rich and famous friends.
Hmmm… I wonder if he can get them to turn vegan…

Screw those other bitches. With his new look, Adam has STAR QUALITY and will always be center stage.

So Adam’s fro – is it fascinating, fancy, flattering, fresh, foxy, flamboyant, fine and fashionable? Or is it a frightening, fetid, fussy, foolish, flawed, fearful, freaky faux pas? Are you a fan or a foe? Let me know in the comments. Be frank!

RUDEST LOSER WINNER REVEALED!

So far we know that Mush has claimed Biggest Cock and FDot is your Fan Favorite of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.  But who will claim the final prize: Rudest Loser?  This year we’re awarding Rudest Loser to the eliminated contestant that has lost the most weight.  What have our eliminated contestants been up to?  And who will win the prize?  Let’s find out…

Adam – Since being eliminated, I decided that I had no excuse but to eat everything in sight.  Thus I started making frequent trips to the grocery store just to restock my junk food snacks and candy stash.  But as of a week ago, I’ve gotten back on track.  I’ve been logging all of my food into FitDay and sticking to a strict <1300 calorie a day diet.  Let’s check back in a month (or 2) so I can win a prize too??

Craig – To be honest, I didn’t work too hard on trying to be the Rudest Loser. But I did my best to maintain the healthy habits I started using during the contests like not eating after 9, and no alcohol during the week, and in the end, I’m happy with the results.

FDot – At first, after being eliminated, I went on a Hershey Symphony Chocolate Bar binge.  Upon winning fan favorite, I’ve rededicated myself to losing some weight.  However, it has proven difficult to forgo many of the foods I’ve previously enjoyed on a whenever I wanted them basis.  I’ve found myself being reduced to skulking around and huffing fumes from used McDonald’s bags in vain attempts to trick my mind into believing my body has enjoyed a non-nutritious meal.  I believe this will end with either my willpower winning out as I learn to enjoy celery as a snack or being found behind a dumpster licking the insides of McChicken containers.  It’s 50-50 at this moment.

Harry – My final weight is down to 184 which was my target.  I did it by running/jogging 3-4 days a week and playing hockey twice a week. I also tried to make my diet healthier by reducing my beer intake, eating more veggies and cutting down on sugary snacks. The diet part was successful except for the beer which I figured was OK because some website said I should be eating 3500 calories a day. If it’s on the internet, it must be true, so I kept drinking beer to make up for those eliminated sugar calories. Michelle helped me to maintain this healthier routine because she kept the fridge stocked with good food and inspired me to go to the lake for a run. In conclusion, Team Oink wins! Suck it.

Jere – I blame the most recent weight loss on a clogged shower drain. For almost a week now our bathtub drain has been stopped up. Two bottles of Draino later (“don’t use Draino on old pipes” yells our management company) and a futile attempt to snake the drain through a small hole in the irremovable metal grate about 3 inches below the opening of the drain, our management company has called a plumber. When I go home tonight I may have a) a working drain, b) a whole new drain/bathtub, c) a big hole in the floor where a bathtub used to be, or d) 6 inches of standing water that has become the early spring breeding grounds for a colony of mosquitoes. The point of this story being that I’ve had to shower at the gym for the last few days. And because I don’t like feeling like a hobo, I insist on doing some kind of workout before taking my shower. Anyway, what was this week’s blurb supposed to be about? Oh, since being eliminated, I have restricted my diet to fast food and things covered in chocolate, but I also sang a danced to a lot of show tunes on stage, which is why I still look like gay Star Wars villain Ziro the Hutt.

John – I have to admit, after I was excused from the competition, my resolve really waned.  Without the discipline of Dr. Mel to guide me, I slipped back into some old habits.  I wouldn’t eat cookies if they weren’t so yummy.  While I haven’t put much weight on, I haven’t lost any.  I am hoping to gain some inspiration from Michelle, Ryan and Paul, but so far all I want to say to the cabana boy is shut up and bring me some cheesecake.

Mel – Mel ignored all of our requests for his participation.

Michelle – My goal was to lose 10 pounds. My weight has been yo-yoing like crazy. PMS makes a contest like this difficult. I’ve lost 5 as of now. I started out great – exercising almost every other day (rollerblading and walks around the lake [5 miles]), drinking tea (yuck) and eating super healthy foods. Lots of vegetables and no treats. But after being kicked off (thanks Mikey and Adam!) I lost my incentive and started exercising maybe 3 times a week (and mostly just walking 3 miles). I also started to sneak in a cookie here, and a chip(s) there. Cupcakes (I think Sprinkles cupcakes are overrated, but I had to have two to be certain), ice cream and onion rings may have also been consumed. In all, I have learned that I pretty much have no will power, metabolism or hope of fitting into my jeans unless I step it up and renew my commitment to celery.

Mikey – Ugh….I feel no differently about my weight and health than I did before this contest began.  Sure I want to lose weight, but honestly the losing is always so much harder when you do it by changing your diet and getting exercise.  I much prefer to a) starve myself b) master cleanse (which is another way of saying starve) c) eat.  So that is why I’m exactly the same size I was when this started ages ago in January.

Mr. Sombrero – After elimination, I was not at all inspired to continue loosing weight. I turned into overworked, big, fat… apple. There should be an award for losing the least weight. That way I could win something.

Nathan – Getting kicked off in the first round really hit Nathan hard emotionally. Having told his friends that there is simply nothing that is more embarrassing than being the first person eliminated in a reality show competition, he quickly hit rock bottom. After being discovered weeks later underneath a vast wasteland of empty pizza boxes and taco bell wrappers, his friends put him onto an episode of Intervention. After an emergency triple stomach stapling and life coaching from Richard Simmons, Nathan was able to get his pathetic shell of a life into a semblance of what it once was and his net weight back to where he started in the competition. He was still too lazy to send in a photo of himself though, but sent this picture of an overweight beaver as a rough approximation of his current proportions.

Polt – Since I’ve been eliminated, I almost got back to my starting weight. See, everything balances out in the end. Congrats to the winners and those who kept their weight off. For me, I’m just happy to not have gone back over my starting weight. The same in the end as the beginning…like a set of plump purple Poltastic bookends!

Tam – Well, public humiliation appears to be effective only as long as you are in the public eye. Once I got turfed and sent to the beach cabana with Nathan and the cabana boys Juan and Julio, I lasted about another 2.5 weeks of being good and then … eh. I didn’t gain any back though so I guess not that bad, but not great. Being called on the carpet for your habits definitely works. I’m no Mushy Cupcake though.  Picture… ummm. You’ve got your choice of a) Half-nekkid rent-boy in ripped jean on a pool table because …. umm, it’s hot? b) the cute c) penis cupcakes. Damn, I’m craving cake.

Ty – Through sheer force of will, I was able to continue my BC&RL2 regimen after my elimination and, indeed, to this day.  As you may recall, that regimen consisted of doing absolutely nothing different.  As a result, I am proud to report that the contest DID NOT MAKE ME ONE OUNCE FATTER!!!  I will be happy to provide a (compensated) testimonial if BC&RL2 finally gives in to the demands of a desperate nation and makes an infomercial.


And now, without further ado … the results!  Who will win the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2
Rudest Loser prize?
The winner is…

JERE!

Congratulations, Jere!  Even though you’ve turned to a life of fast food and show tunes, you still managed to lose more than the rest of us.  You’re the Rudest Loser, and the 4th place winner, overall.  Congratulations!

And how did everyone else do?  Let’s find out …


Congratulations to everyone who participated in Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … but it’s finally over! And as one game show draws to a close, another begins. Stay tuned to Cocky & Rude because next Thursday, a brand new battle begins with … COCKY & RUDE FIGHT CLUB!