Tag Archives: math

Who are you? FIND OUT!

A Holiday Gift Extravaganza!


This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)


For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.


But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.


For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…


If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.


For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!


But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.


For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.


But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.


For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.


But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.


For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.


But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.


Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.


Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.


Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.


But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.


Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.


If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.


Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.


Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.


For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.


If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.


For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d  buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.


But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.


There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.


Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.


Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).


But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.


Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.


If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:


Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.


If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.


David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.


Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.


Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.


Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.


I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.


If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.


I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.


Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).


David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.

But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.


Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.


Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.


Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.


But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.


Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.


I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…

If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.

So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.

*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.

i don’t get it.


There are many things that confound me. Here are some of them.

1. Joanna Newsom
She’s a singer (if you can call that awful noise coming out of her singing). I don’t even know if I like her songs, because I can’t get past her disturbingly odd, babyish voice. It makes me want to stab someone everyone. YUCK. I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to an entire song, so here’s a brief (you’re welcome) taste of her singing in a commercial. How is she successful? Who is buying her records? For the love of god, why won’t someone stop her? I don’t get it.


2. The Lottery
I don’t get why I can’t win the damn thing. I would be sooo good at being filthy rich.


3. French fries
Why can’t I find good french fries? I like a nice, hot, greasy fry. Greasy enough that the salt sticks to them (and doesn’t bounce off). I do not like firm, crispy fries! When you hold them they should be flaccid. Now, McDonalds (circa the seventies) made a great fry. Alas, the movement to make healthy fries ruined what used to be my favorite food. If I wanted to be healthy, I would eat a frickin’ apple. And what’s with the weird coating some of them have? Lame. And I hate that they turn into hard, dry matchsticks if you don’t eat them quickly enough. It’s all so very sad. I just don’t get it.


4. aging
Why is anti-aging research not a priority? Who cares about new football stadiums, flying cars, diseases, space exploration and wars if I am not around to enjoy them? I don’t get it. Don’t scientists and the powers that be in government not realize that they are aging too? They need to get on this stat. I’m falling apart here!


5. Wonder Woman movie
I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t want to see a Wonder Woman movie? No one, that’s who. Will I ever get to see Princess Diana on the silver screen in my lifetime? C’mon Hollywood – give the people (me) what they want. For crying out loud, Elektra, Daredevil, Captain America and the Green Lantern got their own movies. Even stupid Thor got a movie. Speaking of which, have you seen Conan’s version? OMG, it’s brilliant. ker-SMASH!

Other things I don’t get: math, the Kardashians, football, duckface, steampunk and sushi. What don’t you get? Let me know in comments!

Blogorama!


Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Or in my case, laziness. So here are some ideas that were stolen inspired by some of my favorite bloggers.

Polt’s Palace features Superman Sundays and Shirtless Mondays. Here is my pic combining the two:


Knitting and gorgeous photos can be found on Cabezelana. I don’t know how to knit, so I hopped on a plane and headed for Mel’s future home, Iceland, to see what all the fuss is about.

I Deny You the Nidus! has a macabre little game called “Guess That Grave.” FDot gives three clues, but I couldn’t narrow it down. Who knew dead people could be so fascinating?
This person:

  •  set an equine high jump record that stood for more than 25 years
  •  originally wanted to be a math (yuck) professor.
  •  had an aversion to any kind of profanity, noting that it was a waste of time. No off color stories were allowed to be told in his presence.
  • suffered intense migraine headaches which were sometimes reported as bouts of drunkenness.
  • was tone deaf and could not recognize any of the light airs of the time; military music was especially annoying to him.
  •  abhorred red meat of any kind, and the sight of blood made him ill. Consequently, he insisted on his meat being cooked on the verge of being charred. He would not eat any kind of fowl, but was fond of pork and beans, fruit, and buckwheat cakes.

Tam’s Reads has book reviews galore (interspersed with photos of hot guys!). Here is my book report of Tina Fey’s Bossypants:

This book is filled with sarcastic, self-deprecating humor – from the picture on the front to the blurbs on the back. It’s a fast read that touches on Tina Fey’s work and personal life. I wish she had gone into a little more depth regarding Mean Girls (and her other movies), her years at SNL, and her experiences at 30 Rock. And there was no dish about the celebrities she has worked with. I demand gossip! But bonus points for including unflattering photos of herself. I would recommend this book – but not enough to buy it. Borrow it from a friend or from the library.


Enrico at Hotel Tuesday posts the most adorable journal entries from his childhood. I don’t have any schoolwork saved from my childhood, but I did find this “ghost in the attic” tucked in a book. I think I was in 2nd or 3rd grade at the time:


So, did I find a puppy under the tree?


Just like Josh is Trashy, I have a Monday Muse as well. Behold the wonderment of Sponge Lady:

Social butterfly VUBOQ blogs about his wonderful pottery, yummy cocktails, ironing, blobbing and hanging out with letters of the alphabet. I can’t stand clay under my nails, so here I am ironing and enjoying a martini. Later I blobbed on the couch with H.

Xi_Heather and TwoPi have a math blog, 360. Like Barbie, I am allergic to math. I do have a nifty calculator with sparkly buttons, though.

Marry, F*ck or Kill on Jere’s blog, Blind Prophecy is a fun and thought provoking game. You must pick one person you would marry, one you would make sweet love to and one you would meet in the conservatory with a lead pipe. Here is the “all grown up” edition.
Choice One: Brian Austin Green (Beverly Hills 90210, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
Choice Two: Jason Bateman (Silver Spoons, Arrested Development)
Choice Three: Mark Paul Gosselaar (Saved By the Bell, Bangers and Mash)

Perspectologist often contains thoughtful explorations of Chris D.’s life/feelings (with  bonus nudie pics). But I don’t have feelings. And you do not want to see me without clothes. TRUST.  So we’ll just move along.

Cocky & Rude‘s Mikey and YouTube videos go hand in hand. Here is a video that made me cry kawaii tears.  Forget  puppies, I want Asian twins for Christmas!

Craig’s debates at Puntabulous are both controversial and hysterical. Here, Harry and I debate dark chocolate (yuck!) vs. milk chocolate (delicious!). Who do you think makes the most convincing argument? (Don’t forget who can paste your head on something unfortunate).

David P. at Someone in a Tree has a weekly tent pitch. So I found a tent pitch of my own to share.

And here are David’s answers to the C&R Studio (better late than never).
Fave word: vacation
Least fave word: sorry
Turn on: muscles
Turn off: slovenliness
Sound likes: harmony
Sound dislikes: car alarms
Vocation like to try: actor
Vocation least like to try: sanitation worker
If heaven exists, what would he like God to say: “Thank you for all your hard work.”

Paul at Where The Parkway Ends (is he ever going to start blogging again?) posts catchy little tunes for your drive to and from work. Here is my boppy little “Friday Morning Commute Sing-a-long Song.”  What Do All the People Know is a one-hit wonder from the San Diego band, The Monroes:

John doesn’t have a blog, but he does have a Question of the Day he poses on Facebook. The trend these days seems to be for marines to ask celebrities to the Marine Corp Ball. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake have already accepted. Betty “Heartbreaker” White declined (luckily, Linda Hamilton came to the rescue). Anywayzle, here is my QOTD: If you were a marine, which celebrity would you invite to the ball?

Mush at Goblinbox is a bento magician. She really makes the most mouthwatering bento boxes. This is my first foray into bento-ing. Those little tortilla people are Mikey and Adam.


Don’t they look delicious?


Adam likes to live on the edge. Here is a gross/dangerous game he likes to play on Cocky & Rude. But why should he have all the fun? How many goldfish crackers (Xplosive Pizza!)* do you think Harry can cram into his mouth?

*I will never eat goldfish crackers again.

I’ll give the grave and mouth cram answers in the comment section at the end of the day. Thanks for all the entertainment/humor you have provided through your blogs – you guys are the best!

C&R Fight Club: STEPHEN HAWKING vs. TY CONE!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


STEPHEN HAWKING

Full Name: Stephen William Hawking
Date of Birth:  8 January 1942 (age 69)
Place of Birth:  Oxford, England
Hair Color:  Brown & Gray
Current Residence:  England
Relationship Status: Jane Hawking (m. 1965–1991, divorced), Elaine Mason (m. 1995–2006, divorced)
Occupation:  theoretical physicist and cosmologist
Hobbies:  science
Favorite Song:  this
Awards:  Wolf Prize (1988), Prince of Asturias Award (1989), Copley Medal (2006), Presidential Medal of Freedom (2009)
Fields of study:  Applied mathematics, Theoretical physics, Cosmology
Alma Mater:  University of Oxford, University of Cambridge
Known for: Black holes, Theoretical cosmology, Quantum gravity, Hawking radiation
Favorite method of transportation:  motorized wheelchair

Stephen William Hawking, CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA (born 8 January 1942)is an English theoretical physicist and cosmologist, whose scientific books and public appearances have made him an academic celebrity. He is an Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts, a lifetime member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences,and in 2009 was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States. Hawking’s key scientific works to date have included providing, with Roger Penrose, theorems regarding gravitational singularities in the framework of general relativity, and the theoretical prediction that black holes should emit radiation, which is today known as Hawking radiation (or sometimes as Bekenstein–Hawking radiation). Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a condition that has progressed over the years and has left him almost completely paralyzed.  While Hawking may be severely physically handicapped, he possesses a number of very powerful secret weapons.  His motorized wheelchair is armed with highly advanced weaponry, his brain is nearly 1000 times more intelligent than the average human being, and he can tear apart the universe with a single (robot-voiced) word.


TY CONE

AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Tyrone, Tycoon, Ty Cobb, Diana Prince (shhh!)
Date of Birth:  Sunday, March 5.  I am between 30 and 40 years old.  You can now figure out my birth year.
Place of Birth:  26.725N by 80.052W
Hair Color:  Umm…
Current Residence:  Our apartment
Relationship Status: stomach-churningly Desperately in love with Mikey
Occupation:  Telling a federal judge what to do.
Height & Weight:  0.93 Craigs tall/weight appropriate for 1.05 Craigs tall
Hobbies:  Finding the Higgs boson before the competition, understanding and correctly using bathos, tickling Mikey
Favorite Song:  Anything and everything by They Might Be Giants.  Except Istanbul (Not Constantinople).  SOOOO overplayed.
Awards:  Best Picture of an Airplane (1st grade), Honor Camper — Boy (3rd grade), National Merit Scholar (12th grade), $25,405 (33rd grade)
Fields of study:  Sally, W.C., Mrs.
Alma Mater:  University of Virginia
Known for: Southern gentility, parodic names based on “Vagina”
Favorite method of transportation:  Invisible jet (shhh!)
Claim to Fame:  Knowing lots of stuff
Favorite curse word:  Buggar!

At first, Ty did not understand our request for a “bio”: “I am a carbon-based, endothermic life form of the binomial classification Homo sapiens.  I have high left-right symmetry and a large brain-body rati….Oh, ‘bio’ as in ‘biography’…”  He then provided C&R with this information: “I was born at the time and place set forth above.  More recently, Mikey moved in with me.  I can’t tell you about any of the stuff in between because of a sacred oath I swore to Zeus before leaving Paradise Island for Man’s World.  (Shhh!)”  The former Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 contestant and incredibly intelligent Jeopardy! champion’s secret weapons include: “Withering sarcasm, subtle condescension, golden lasso (shhh!)”

Who will win in the battle of  BRAIN vs. BRAIN?  Will Stephen Hawking destroy Ty by tearing the entire universe apart? Or will Ty wither Hawking with his sarcasm and condescension and then shove his motorized wheelchair off a cliff? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Ty & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

C&R Fight Club: CRAIG vs. KIRK!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


James Tiberius Kirk

Also Known As: Jim
Species: Human
Date of Birth: March 22, 2233
Place of Birth: Riverside, Iowa, Earth
Residence: Space, the final frontier
Rank: Star Fleet Captain, Admiral
Posting: Commanding officer, USS Enterprise & USS Enterprise-A
Hairline: Always receding
Weight: Always increasing

Arguably the most famous of the Starfleet Captains, the character of James T. Kirk first appeared in the original series of Star Trek, and later in films, books, comics and video games.  Kirk is known as an accomplished brawler and a ladies’ man.  He has been portrayed primarily by William Shatner and more recently by Chris Pine.  Kirk’s renown began by becoming the youngest captain in Starfleet to date at 34 and the first captain to bring his starship back relatively intact after a five-year mission, having also gained a reputation as an independent whose success couldn’t be argued even though he often bucked the system. He also has the distinction of being involved in 17 different temporal violations, a career record which still stands.


Craig Andrew M.

Alias: Bonkers, Craiggers
Species: Homo Superior
Date of Birth: November 8, 1981
Age: 29
Place of Birth: “His Mom”
Residence: East Islip, NY
Relationship Status: In a relationship with Natalie Portman, “his wife”
Occupation: Butch Construction Worker, Puntabulous.com Blogger
Weight: “Skinnier than you”

Arguably the most famous blogger on the Internet, Craig M. takes his fame in stride.  His blog, Puntabulous.com boasts a loyal band of readers, informally known as “Puntabupeeps” and “dancing monkeys.”  A self-proclaimed geek, Craig splits his time between blogging, writing (unpublished) novels, reading Star Wars novelizations, watching way too much television, and his true passion: intensely watching lots and lots of Internet pornography.  Craig looks forward to soon moving out of his parent’s house with “his wife” Natalie Portman (a cardboard cutout). We’ve never seen any evidence that Craig can handle himself in a fight, but after intense mathematical calculations, we at Cocky & Rude are predicting a 87% probability that he’ll just run away.


Picture in your mind a battle of these two worthy opponents. Both enter the ring, but only one will leave. Will Craig defeat Captain Kirk by bashing him over the head with his mythical puntabuschlong? Or perhaps Captain Kirk will whip out a phaser and blast the puntabuschlong right off? That’s for you to decide. Who will win in this battle of Captain versus Craig? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!


We’ll let you know which fighter wins this round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club on Sunday at noon!