On Saturday, Mr. Sombrero and I took a drive to Bethlehem, PA to visit with Michelle M.’s BFF, Kathy Griffin! Here are some of the photos I snapped during the show.
In my last post I talked about the things I like to daydream about.
But what do I dream about when I’m fast asleep? Let’s find out…
Monday I dreamed that Jessica Simpson was coming out with a line of butter candies. The flavors she had were: buttered toast, buttered popcorn, hot buttered rum and baked potato with butter. She needed my help to come up with the 5th flavor. I suggested buttered waffles.
Tuesday I dreamed that I worked at the Mad Men offices. I was going through everyone’s files to find out what their salaries were. I’m sneaky that way.
Wednesday I dreamed that I was hanging out with Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman. She was really impressed that I had a gold ring with three purple stones (I do not really have a gold ring with three purple stones).
Thursday I dreamed that I was a consumer reporter analyzing pool rafts.
Friday I dreamed that I couldn’t open my high school locker. It seemed I spent all night trying to open my combination lock. I hate those kinds of dreams. (In high school my locker combination was 10-16-38).
Saturday I dreamed that I was in charge of refreshments for the Honey Boo Boo airshow (she would jump out of an airplane and fly to the ground). I couldn’t find a dozen doughnuts, cupcakes or cookies, so I had to mix and match. It was very frustrating.
On Sunday I dreamed that I went to a party thrown by Kathy Griffin. I par-tayed until the wee hours. The next day Liam Neeson was mad at me for keeping his little boy out all night long. I guess I was supposed to be babysitting him – oops.
So what does any of this mean? Who cares. At least I didn’t dream that my teeth were falling out or that I had a mouth full of gum. My favorite dreams are flying dreams – but I rarely have those. What are some of the weird dreams you have? Let me know in comments!
It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography. DUCK! (a reference from season 5)
WHAT’S YOUR FRIDAY FIVE??!?!?!?!?!
While some of you were digging out your umbrellas, battening down the hatches, and stocking up on bottled water, candles and Cheetos, Harry and I were on our way to see Kathy Griffin in concert!
We went to the first show that night. They were taping both shows for a Bravo special to air in the middle of September. Kathy’s mom Maggie came out (with a glass of wine) to say a few words and introduce Kathy. She got a standing ovation and was adorable. Kathy was hilarious, of course. Some of her bits included the Kardashians, Cher, Anderson Cooper, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Marcus Bachman and Casey Anthony.
Harry (best husband ever) won a contest on Kathy’s blog to meet her between shows! So we hustled around to the back of the theater and then waited in a room backstage with 16 other people for a meet and greet. She only had a few minutes, so she wasn’t signing autographs. She was there just long enough to give hugs and take pictures. She was warm, engaging and super sweet to everyone.
She had done a bit about how she walks down the street and eyef*cks all the guys, so I asked her to eyef*ck Harry – and she did! I also asked her if she watched Dance Moms, and she said, “Of course.” I should have said something better, but I was an excited mess. Then she was ushered back out the door. It was all a blur and over way too soon. Kathy’s one of those people I would love to sit down and have a long chat with. I LOVE her.
Other than briefly shaking James Taylor’s hand before one of his concerts, this was my first celebrity encounter. I couldn’t have asked for a better one!
So – did I not have the best night ever? What would you have said to Kathy? What celebrity would you love to meet? Let me know in the comments!
Once upon a time our favorite butter loving southern belle, Paula Deen, jumped on the back of fellow Food Network star Robert Irvine and a meme was born. I thought it was hilarious and sent in some submissions. They posted six, but some didn’t make it. Sadness! And the premise of some of my submissions popped up much later from other contributors (and looked inferior, might I add). Outrageous! After bitching (and moaning) to Adam about it, he suggested I send them to C&R to post. But Paula Deen Riding Things is so 5 months ago. Instead, here is the ever awesome Tam. Riding things. Enjoy!
Tam goes to the movies:
I think I hear banjos, eh?
Tam and children’s lit.
Where the wild things are… with Tam of course!
Up in the air – with Tam!
Two of my favorite ladies!
Tam and carrot tops.
Did I mention I’m going to see Kathy?? Second row!! SO EXCITED!
Unicorn chaser, anyone?
Tam and her trusty steeds.
The four Tams of the apocalypse
Tam’s got a ticket to ride, and she don’t care.
The other day I came across a macabre, yet interesting blog – Dead Man Eating. It features the last meals of prisoners condemned to death. In the event that Mr. M. cheats on me or Adam shares another stupid vagina-hate post, I will most likely be enjoying a last meal of my own.
I’m probably going to be a little depressed and anxious about sitting in Old Sparky, so I’d like to share my last supper with some people who will lift my spirits. Here are some of my favorite comedians who will keep me laughing all the way down that green mile. By the way, I’m going to see the hilarious Kathy Griffin this month! Second row! If you’re not totally jealous, there is something wrong with you.
I will start with a couple of Godiva’s milk chocolate caramels, then gnosh on some nuts (macadamia, Brazil and pecans are my favorites). Next, I’ll have a few handfuls of Lay’s potato chips and Tostito’s Hint of Lime chips (aka: the devil’s chips). Oh my god, I love bread and butter! I think the Outback’s bread is deeelicious – I can eat it forever. I’ll be wanting a nice juicy steak, too (suck it Adam. Woohoo! Kathy Griffin!). And french fries – greasy and salty, please. A tomato salad sounds tasty, as does corn on the cob with enough butter to bring Paula Deen to orgasm – gotta make sure to eat my veggies (right, Polt?). Chicken in brandy peppercorn sauce is next on the list, followed by mashed potatoes (food of the gods). I must have some grilled pineapple, too. I’ll wash this all down with fruity cocktails (and keep ’em coming)! For dessert I’d like a piece chocolate cake with ice cream and a slice of cherry pie. And finally, a wafer thin-mint.
So, what would you like your last meal to be? And with whom would you like to share it? Let me know in the comments!