I’m fairly certain that Michelle M., Craig and myself are the only ones that still watch Glee. So instead of accepting that you’ve given up on the series, I’ve decided to cram the crap-fest down your unwelcoming throats! Behold, the highlights of last week’s Holiday episode:
According to Wikipedia, handshaking was practiced in ancient Greece as far back as the 5th century BC. And some researchers have suggested the handshake may have been introduced in the Western World by Sir Walter Raleigh during the late 16th century.
Either way, handshaking is gross and I don’t want to do it.
Just thinking about where people’s hands have been makes me cringe.
Probably didn’t wash their hands!
A clammy, limp handshake is disgusting. Plus, pandemic anyone? Did you know that you are only 6 handshakes away from dying a horrible, excruciating death? Here is a chart, so it must be true.
I move that we find another way of acknowledging each other and abolish handshaking altogether. But what form of greeting should replace the handshake?
The highfive? I would still have to come into contact with a sweaty palm. No thanks.
The fistbump? Touching is still involved. Pass.
The salute? Too formal.
A curtsy? Too fancy schmancy.
A bow? Not bad – but Asian people might think I’m mocking them.
The airkiss? Too phony.
A hug? Fine for friends (or Polt), but if I don’t want to shake your hand,
I certainly don’t want to hug you.
So what does that leave?
It’s the perfect solution. It’s friendly, yet allows one to keep one’s distance.
It works for all ages – from the littleuns’…
to the tweens…
to the oldz.
All the cool kids do it.
As well as human rights leaders,
So next time someone wants to shake your hand, avoid that moist, grimy mitt.
Lock and load and fire off those fingerguns!
In continuing with my theme of blog posts to gross out Michelle M. (please see this week’s offerings on nose picking and farting), today we will be talking about how often you wash your clothing. If you’re like me, laundry day is a real chore. I live in an apartment that offers no on-site laundry facilities. Luckily, my parents live pretty close by and are always willing to let me “borrow” their washer and dryer for a few hours. Hey I’m poor and I gotta save money where I can!
Laundry day is a huge process that usually requires me to roll out of bed at least 3 minutes earlier than normal. On days that I do laundry, I have to collect my dirty laundry from all over the house, stuff it into my laundry basket (which more often than not is still half-full of clean clothing from the previous wash), then load it all into the car, drive to one of my parent’s houses, lug it into their basement, steal laundry detergent & fabric softener sheets, press buttons, turn knobs, and then visit with them (a.k.a. play with my cell phone and ignore them) for a few hours. Ugh!
My solution? Try to wash my clothing as infrequently as possible while continuing to be obsessively clean! Here are my rules:
Underpants must be washed daily (see yesterday’s post). I’m vegan, and my underpants can fill up with perfumy glitter pretty quickly — especially when Brussels sprouts are on sale at the grocery store. Same thing goes for socks … I never want to chance smelling like feet!
Pajamas are never worn. Why waste the space in the washer? And going commando at bedtime is just so freeing!
Sheets are washed once a week, especially during the summer. The idea of sleeping on dirty sheets grosses me out.
Towels are washed once every 3-4 days, and air-dried after each use in between. I do the same thing with kitchen towels (because they don’t take up much space in the washer and are better for the environment (and wallet) than paper towels).
Shirts are washed on a sliding scale. I’m paranoid that someone at work will notice me wearing the same shirt as the day before — but (especially during the winter months) I’m always trying to come up with ways that I can stretch a shirt into 2 or 3 days of wear. Maybe a t-shirt from Sunday can double as an undershirt on Monday? Or one day’s t-shirt can be the next day’s gym shirt?
Sweatshirts, especially my favorite variety: the zipper hoodie are washed AS INFREQUENTLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I never wear just a sweatshirt, so when I wear a one, it’s basically a jacket. Plus when you wash them, they get all pilly and uncomfortable and start to shrink and UGH! I only wash them when I absolutely have to (when they start to STINK). Sometimes I’d rather just buy a new one.
Pants I’m blessed (thank you, FSM!) to have a job without a dress code, so I wear jeans every day of the week. Although you can actually go for over a year without washing jeans, I tend to wear mine for about 4 days between washes. My mother thinks this is gross and washes hers after a single day of wear.
Everything Else gets the sniff test. Gym clothes are washed pretty often (for obvious reasons). I never wash my jackets or shoes (out of fear that they’ll fall apart). I try to wash blankets whenever I can, but they only find their way into a washer every few months if they’re lucky.
So how often do you wash your clothes? Am I gross or overly clean? Next time that you see me in person, will you cross the street or give me a big hug? Lemme know in the comments!
By the way, if anyone would like to buy any of my dirty clothes (for sniffing, burning, voodoo dolls, bizzare sexual fetishes, or any other reasons), please email me.