Late last week, Nathan contacted me with a post idea. It seems that he has a week off in July and has no clue what to do and where to go on vacation. Here are my ten suggestions:
Stay in Canada! Canada is a beautiful wasteland of ice and snow. Who wouldn’t want to spend some free time exploring an iceberg, making snowmen, adding unnecessary u’s to words, and napping inside of an igloo! The temperature never goes above freezing in Canada! Slap on your formal wear and have a ball!
Why not spend a week in wonderful Baghdad, Iraq! The largest city in Iraq is home to political unrest, massive troop withdrawals and startling civil rights violations. Who wouldn’t want to visit Baghdad? I hear that they have the best gay clubs in all of the Middle East!
How about a week in North Korea? Spend your time with the new supreme leader, Kim Jong-un! Try your hand at designing weapons of mass destruction, try on a huge selection of Kim Jong-il‘s high heeled shoes, and threaten to start World War III! And that’s all just in the first day!
How about a tour of Chernobyl, Ukraine? Tour the disintegrating nuclear sarcophagus, sample the local radioactive cuisine, and dance the night away with all the local mutants! You’ll leave Chernobyl with a “healthy” green glow that all your friends will be jealous of!
How about a lovely hike near Moab, Utah? While you’re there, make sure to get your arm stuck under a rock … and spend the next 127 hours practicing your survival skills!
Why not spend a week in sunny Afghanistan? Tour the expansive deserts (but watch out for IEDs!) or spend a few days hiding in a cave. For an extra few hundred bucks you can attend a actual terrorist training camp!
Spend a week exploring Antarctica! Antarctica, on average, is the coldest, driest, and windiest continent, and has the highest average elevation of all the continents. I can’t think of a better place to slap on some eyeliner and PAR-TAY!
What, you haven’t heard of Centralia, Pennsylvania? All properties in the borough were claimed under eminent domain by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in 1992 (and all buildings therein were condemned), and Centralia’s ZIP code was revoked by the Post Office in 2002. Why? Because the mines below the surface are expected to be on fire for the next 250 years! Get yer tan on in Centralia!
None of those vacations are ticking your fancy? Then how about fabulous Somalia? Since the outbreak of the Somali Civil War in 1991 there has been no central government control over most of the country’s territory. But that can’t stop the bustling tourism business! Spend a day working as an actual Somali slumlord or reenact scenes Black Hawk Down!
If all else fails, you can always spend a week in the pink! Fat Betty’s anus is a warm and inviting … but be warned, when it’s poo-time, you’ll feel like you’re standing in the middle of the busiest highway in North America. She eats a lot, and yes, she poops a lot.
Those are my 10 best suggestions! Do you have a favorite, or maybe you have some ideas of your own? Help Nathan in the comments!
Our fifth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate six weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Last week we took a look at a single meal that each of our contestants submitted. This week we’re taking a look inside each of their refrigerators. Just what are they hiding inside? We’re about to find out!
In my fridge are a wild and crazy assortment of take out food products. With Ty away for work, I have indulged my inner bachelor with all the food ordering options Brooklyn has to offer. Please note the half eaten piece of carrot cake (gross) and the assorted condiments that I save from my meals and eventually throw out.
Apparently I’ve found a time machine, and managed to reverse what little progress I’d made so far in the competition. Time to reassess and regroup for next week. As for the fridge… From the top going down, reading left to right: We store cereal, dishwasher detergent, and pain medication on top of the fridge. I didn’t open up the freezer, but had I done so, you’d see ice cube trays and assorted frozen fruit, a few kinds of frozen pasta (ravioli mostly, for my kids mostly), and coffee grounds stored in the door. On the front of the freezer: a few photos of friends and their children, various coupons and papers, and fridge magnets, including our Puntabulous Memorial Magnet. Top shelf of the fridge: On the left, mostly jars, mostly condiments. On the right, beverages, primarily half-gallon glass bottles of milk, from a local dairy, and some fruit and veg juices. Next layer: cheeses (in the drawer), eggs (and dyed hard-boiled eggs in the cardboard container) Lowest shelf: Strawberries, apple sauce, juices, and some leftovers in the white bowl with blue lid. (Chicken and veg stir fry, if memory serves me correctly). Low bins: various shredded cheeses and tortillas on the left, various vegetables on the right. Door: The obligatory collection of salad dressings, steak sauce, and other random condiments, butter in the butter bin, random adult beverages on the lowest shelf.
So this week, we’re doing our fridge photo. Mine is now filled with stuff on my diet: meat (steak, sausages, ham) and salad stuff (lettuce, carrots, celery, cheese, hard boiled eggs, etc) and plenty of condiments (ketchup, A-1 Steak sauce, several different kinds of salad dressing). The yogurt’s been there a few weeks, too many carbs for me to eat too often. Diet Coke. Oh and that bottle of wine’s been there since before Christmas…have to find just the right time to drink that.
A lot of the food here is actually my roommate’s, especially in the freezer. My single serving ice creams are just off camera in the freezer door. The other items of note are the blue containers filled with the beans that I cooked last night ready to be taken with me to work.
My fridge is usually filled with pretty healthy stuff, lots of cheese products, meats, fruits, veggies and things for lunches like juice boxes, pudding, fruit cups, etc. Also lots of random stuff like pickles, salad dressing, condiments. And usually leftovers of some kind, we always seem to have leftovers.
Yeah, there’s mostly veggie and dairy action goin’ on in my refridge. Some soy and hummus goodies in between. And no, that’s not dried up poop, that’s a ginger root. Also, some cat food for Mr. Mini Sombrero.
This is pretty much how the fridge always looks. Missing are containers of leftovers. I cook “real meals” about twice a week. Other nights we eat leftovers. The two nights a week Harry plays hockey, I usually have soup or rice. Weekends we go out for dinner or scrounge around in the cupboards. The container in the back is ground flax seed (which I always forget to sprinkle on stuff). The beer is Harry’s, I drink the zinfandel. Other stuff you see are condiments, salad dressing, salsa (is salsa a condiment?), applesauce, fruit, veggies, salad, assorted juices and water, butter (boo!) and soda (boo!). Pretty healthy for the most part. I’m glad Adam didn’t ask for a picture of the freezer. That’s where the thin mints, tater tots and ice cream live.
I admit it: My fridge usually isn’t this empty. I usually go grocery shopping on Sunday, but since last Sunday was some random Christian holiday, my grocery store was closed. So this week I’m just going to starve! Here’s what I have… Freezer door: frozen corn, peas, broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Freezer: frozen pitas and English muffins, 2 leftover frozen black bean burgers, and ice cube tray storage. Fridge door: ketchup, jelly, a few miscellaneous condiments, iced tea, seltzer water, almond “milk”, garlic, and a giant bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale that I got for my birthday (last July). Fridge: basket containing 3 apples, water, mozzarella-style vegan cheese, leftover pizza sauce, hummus, 2 whole wheat pitas, tofu, tempeh, and a bottle of diet root beer (hiding behind the water) that I can’t drink because I stopped drinking soda. Woohoo!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Maybe he’s all talk. Maybe the Puntabuschlong isn’t as big as you’ve
dreamed been told.
Here’s 10 reasons why Craig has a small penis:
If the results of this week’s Cocky & Rude Fight Club are any indication, the United States should just fling open its borders and never look back. Or at least on the Mexico side … we’re not quite sure about those Canadians just yet. In this week’s Fight Club bout, we saw Mr. Sombrero face off against a Redneck Border Patrolman. Mr. Sombrero DESTROYED the Minuteman with no effort at all — as soon as we started the fight, the hate-spewing, Sarah Palin lover ran back home to Texas and hid under his bed. Mr. Sombrero won with an amazing 151 votes (that’s 99% of the popular vote); the Redneck earned only 2 votes (1% of the popular vote). C&R voters came out in force this week — it’s the most votes for a single Fight Club bout we’ve seen since our second battle, where Captain Kirk defeated the disgraced blogger, Craig.
Congratulations, Mr. Sombrero!
If you’re like me, you’re always stopping by the local grocery store to pick up a few things. I’m probably there at least twice a week. They’re wonderful places that tout a huge selection of fresh produce, meats (if you’re into that sort of thing), dairy (ditto), packaged foods, health and beauty aids, and just about anything else that you can imagine. But what have you been up to at the grocery store? We’re about to find out.
You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!
1. Have you ever worked at a grocery store?
2. Have you ever used the restroom at a grocery store?
3. Have you ever tasted food (grapes, bakery items, etc.) and not paid for it?
4. Have you ever accidentally swapped carts with another shopper?
5. Have you ever hit someone with your cart?
6. Have you ever just left your cart in the parking lot instead of returning it to a cart return or to the front of the store?
7. Have you ever realized that you didn’t have enough money to pay for your groceries at the check-out counter and had to select some items to leave out of your purchase?
8. Have you ever used an express line or self-checkout line with more than the allowed number of items?
9. Have you ever returned any items to a grocery store for a refund?
10. Have you ever purchased a big-ticket item (electronics, lawn furniture, etc.) from a grocery store?
11. Have you ever stolen something from a grocery store?
12. Have you ever broken something that required an employee to clean it up?
13. Have you ever purposefully broken or damaged merchandise at a grocery store?
14. Have you ever knocked over a display at a grocery store?
15. Have you ever consumed a meal inside a grocery store (whether or not they had a prepared food and seating area)?
16. Have you ever avoided someone that you know at a grocery store so you didn’t have to talk to them?
17. Have you ever purchased discounted merchandise at a grocery store that is nearly spoiled or expired?
18. Have you ever abandoned merchandise where it doesn’t belong at a grocery store?
19. Have you ever hid an embarrassing item (condoms, hemorrhoid cream, etc.) under other items in your cart?
20. Have you ever gotten a rain check at a grocery store?
21. Have you ever knowingly tried to use expired coupons at a grocery store?
22. Have you ever been the cause of a checkout line slow-down (Price check, unusual coupon, unreadable bar code, etc.)?
23. Have you ever yelled at a grocery store employee?
24. Have you ever asked a grocery store employee or another customer out on a date?
25. Have you ever had (any form of) sex in a grocery store?
It’s time to fess up! Tell us your total in the comments.
Looking for a little dirt on your potential online date? Trying to figure out the ages and birthdays of your secretive coworkers? Or maybe you just wanna find out how much of an online footprint you’re leaving. Whatever your stalking desires, don’t just let your search begin and end on Facebook. There are many other resources on the net to aid in your personal information hunt. Here’s a few pointers:
1. Look Beyond Facebook
Just because Facebook is the hot social network right now, doesn’t mean that it’s the only one out there. Most ‘net users still have a LinkedIn account or a MySpace page that they’ve forgotten about. You might also want to check Twitter to see what they’ve been tweeting about. Branch out a little.
2. Google ’em
When you search Google, you’re likely to get a lot of unwanted results, but try narrowing your search a little bit. Adding quotes around a name, adding or removing a middle name (or initial) or using nicknames might be the key. Also try searching Google Images. You might be surprised by what comes up.
3. Find Their Photos
Looking for some more photos of your victim? After all … you might not want to go on a blind date if you find out that they’re ugly. And photos of your coworker before she had that nose job might still be floating around somewhere. Try searching Flickr, Picasa or another photosharing wsite.
5. Are They Looking For Love?
Why not poke around a site like Match.com or PlentyOfFish to see if they have a dating profile. Most sites don’t let you search for free, but you can always create a free dummy profile for yourself? And if Facebook didn’t clue you in to whether or not that cute delivery boy likes boys, this probably will tell you the truth.
6. Find Their Phone Number
This can be a little hit or miss, now that the pesky National Do Not Call Registry is out there for anyone and everyone to join. But give the online yellow and white pages a try anyway at sites like AnyWho, WhitePages, or PhoneNumber.com. Then all you have to do is call them and breath really heavy why they threaten to call the police. People love that!
7. Find Their Home Address
Why call them when you can know where they live? My favorite site for this is ZabaSearch — it’s a great way to find people’s addresses.
8. Google Map It!
Once you’ve found your victim’s address … why not virtually tour their neighborhood with Google Street View? You might even find their car in the driveway. And if you’re really lucky, they’ll have been mowing the front lawn without a shirt on when the Google van drove by. Grrrooowwwwlll!
9. Find Out How Much They Paid
Now that you’ve got an address, check out Zillow to see how much they paid for their home. You’ll also find out when they bought it, how much it’s worth, and the taxes that they’ve been paying.
10. Hide In Their Bushes
By now you’ve probably seen their photos, discovered their sexual preference, and found out their phone number, address, house value, age, and a wealth of other knowledge. Why not just hide in their bushes? You’d be surprised how much you can learn about someone when you’re peeking in their windows*.
*I’m joking. Please don’t do this. Yes Polt, we’re talking to you.