This week the California lottery mega millions jackpot was $116,000,000. It dawned on me that if I won, I could do some holiday shopping for my bloggy friends. So after some careful consideration I made out my ChristmasHanukkahKwanzaaWhatever list. So keep your fingers crossed that I win* and you just might find the following under your treemenorahmkekawhatever. And because there’s a slight chance I might not win, I came up with some alternative gift choices to give you.**
(Click to enlarge any of the photos)
For Tam – A luxury yacht to go island hopping and a membership to the Man of the Month club.
But if I don’t win she’ll have to settle for a toy boat and a framed photo of Polt’s ass.
For Jere – Marvel Entertainment. And I’ll throw in DC for good measure. Maybe he can do something about a Wonder Woman movie…
If I don’t win, he’ll have to stick to lawyering, so a booze hiding law book might come in handy.
For Craig – a centipede-free mansion in San Diego, so he can hang out with me (all the time)!
But the odds aren’t good, so a can of bug spray and some ear guards will have to do.
For Paul, a starring role in the upcoming Star Trek film and one of those back end movie deals where he makes mega-bucks.
But should I not win the jackpot, an Enterprise scratching post for Whitey will have to suffice.
For Ryan, I will pay off his student loans. He will also get one of these nifty cupcake cars and a lifetime supply of gas.
But if I remain a big old loser, he’s going to have to make do with this cheery little painting.
For my darling VUBOQ, a house with a pottery studio, a fully stocked walk in closet and all the gin his liver can take.
But if I don’t win, he’s getting a sparkly shoe and a jar of olives.
Lucky Mel will finally get to make lopapeysu all day in his Iceland dream house.
Unless I lose. Then he gets ice cubes and a ball of yarn.
Heather and TwoPi both like math, which is completely crazy. So I’m going to set them up with lifetime psychiatric therapy.
But if I don’t win, they will receive Godzilla pajamas, slippers and a toy city they can take turns destroying.
Adam will also get a house in San Diego and will finally find a Lexus with a big red bow in his driveway.
If I don’t have the winning numbers, though, he’ll receive a boob mug and a copy of The Vagina Monologues.
Mikey gets a wine shop. And a cheese shop.
Unless I lose. Then he gets a box of wine and a 99 cent bag of Cheetos.
For Polt, a purple palace filled with Asians with hairthings.
If I don’t win, our favorite stalker gets a fake nose and glasses and a pair of binoculars instead.
For my favorite duo, Joshrico, I’d buy penthouses and limos. Fame, fortune and the paparazzi are sure to follow.
But if I’m not the next lottery winner, I might be able to pay this guy to follow them around for an hour with his camera.
There’s always that one person on your list you have no idea what to get. For me, it’s M. Nico.
He’ll just have to settle for a gift card from Amazon.
Unless I don’t win. Then he gets fruitcake.
Mush gets a mansion, her own record label (I quite like the name “Mushtones”) and a kick ass tour bus so she can tour the country (and visit me, of course).
But if megamillions are not in my stars, she’ll be unwrapping Mr. Microphone.
Fdot watches a lot of movies, so he’ll need a mansion with a state of the art, luxury home theater.
If I lose, he’ll receive Jiffy pop and a DVD of the “best worst movie ever made” Troll 2. Featuring such classic scenes as the following:
Chris D. is excited by space, so I’ll send him there in his very own rocket.
If someone else wins my money he can pretend to be in orbit with these stick on ceiling stars.
David P. will get the VIP treatment with front row seats to any play/musical in the world. Free meals at any restaurant included.
Life does not always (or ever!) go my way though, so David can put on his own shows with these nifty finger puppets and afterward have dinner at McDonald’s.
Justin loves maple. So he will get one of those fancy million dollar log cabins in the middle of a maple tree forest.
Unless my numbers are off. Then he gets a bottle of imitation maple syrup.
I would pay all of john’s bills and buy him a house and an art gallery so he could quit his stupid job and concentrate on his art.
If I don’t win, a big bag of rabbit chow is just the ticket.
I would buy the Kid the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Or a Sidney Crosby bobblehead (if I’m doomed to a life as a non millionaire).
David G. is getting a first class ticket to Hollywood and his own studio. Those zombie screenplays of his will finally be up on the silver screen for me to enjoy.
But should I lose, here’s a t-shirt.
Nathan will get a private jet to fly him around the world.
Or this book of paper airplanes. Not winning the lottery sucks.
Ty will get that $250,000 Jeopardy money he should have gotten in the tournament of Champions.
But if I don’t win, a ceramic Dalmatian from the Old School Wheel of Fortune is just as good.
Mr. Sombrero already has Adam, so obviously he doesn’t need anything else.
I do have a lot of peanut butter left over from the taste test, though…
If I forgot anyone, let me know in the comments, and I’ll find a regift in the garage for you.
So, hopefully, I will be the next megamillionaire, but know that if I’m not I’ll be wishing you all health, love and happiness in the New Year and always.
*It might help if I bought a lottery ticket.
**Just kidding, I’m not getting you anything at all.