Tag Archives: gum

Stuff I actually dream about

In my last post I talked about the things I like to daydream about.
But what do I dream about when I’m fast asleep? Let’s find out…

Monday I dreamed that Jessica Simpson was coming out with a line of butter candies. The flavors she had were: buttered toast, buttered popcorn, hot buttered rum and baked potato with butter. She needed my help to come up with the 5th flavor. I suggested buttered waffles.

Tuesday I dreamed that I worked at the Mad Men offices. I was going through everyone’s files to find out what their salaries were. I’m sneaky that way.

Wednesday I dreamed that I was hanging out with Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman. She was really impressed that I had a gold ring with three purple stones (I do not really have a gold ring with three purple stones).

Thursday I dreamed that I was a consumer reporter analyzing pool rafts.

Friday I dreamed that I couldn’t open my high school locker. It seemed I spent all night trying to open my combination lock. I hate those kinds of dreams. (In high school my locker combination was 10-16-38).

Saturday I dreamed that I was in charge of refreshments for the Honey Boo Boo airshow (she would jump out of an airplane and fly to the ground). I couldn’t find a dozen doughnuts, cupcakes or cookies, so I had to mix and match. It was very frustrating.

On Sunday I dreamed that I went to a party thrown by Kathy Griffin. I par-tayed until the wee hours. The next day Liam Neeson was mad at me for keeping his little boy out all night long. I guess I was supposed to be babysitting him – oops.

So what does any of this mean? Who cares. At least I didn’t dream that my teeth were falling out or that I had a mouth full of gum. My favorite dreams are flying dreams – but I rarely have those. What are some of the weird dreams you have? Let me know in comments!


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True Confessions

Enlightening Adam: The Vagina

“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson

Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:

cinema:

the theater:

pop culture:

cuisine:

and art:

Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:

Also, the vagina is a hero! Not a zero.

So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:

1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!

They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.

2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.

That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).

3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.

Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.

4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!

Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.

5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!

Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).

6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!

It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).

7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?

For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.

8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?

Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.

9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?

Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.

10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!

Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.

And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…