It’s been four months since our last Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest drew to a close. Since then, some of our contestants have let their weight slip in the wrong direction. That’s why we’re back with Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2. This time we’re upping the ante and the competition will be more fierce, more exciting, and more … populated! We’re starting this week with 18 players divided into 9 teams. Most of our players from the first BC&RL contest have returned, along with a bunch of new faces. Starting next week, you’ll be voting to eliminate players each week until our finale in about three months. After our winner is crowned, we’ll catch up with all of our eliminated players and award the biggest behind-the-scenes loser with a special prize. Are you excited? So are we! Let’s meet the players…
TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty
Mikey: Mikey is the name; weight loss is my mission. After losing our last competition by gaining weight instead of losing it, I am determined to kick some butt and take names. My basic approach to this will be avoiding all the foods I find to be tasty and fulfilling, so basically I’m going to eat like Adam. I would call it the Ginger diet, but people might think I’m only going to eat ginger root or actual gingers, which would be really gross. I also intend to do something I haven’t done in a very long time: work out. I’m usually morally opposed to this kind of thing as it causes me to sweat, which is not very nice. If I slip on the sweat, I’m going to sue.
Ty: My Goal: Duh, to lose weight. That goal does not include coming to terms with my deeper issues towards food (I like it) and exercise (I hate it). My Plan: To throttle anyone who tells me how he often gets so busy he forgets to eat, or what a high she gets from exercising for five hours every day. I’m not sure yet how that will help me lose weight, but it will definitely make me feel better.
GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero
Adam: I’ve grown rather plump in the last few months. Let’s face it: eating is fun. Food is delicious. I like things that are fun and delicious. It’s really the perfect combination. And as my weight began to grow and grow, I knew in the back of my mind that I would be able to lose it all when I was ready. So now it’s time to do that … and it’s kind of awesome that I can drag you all along with me. Make no mistake: I’m going to win BC&RL this time. I’m going to lose a lot of weight in the next three months. And I’m going to destroy you all. It’s just that simple! HAHAHAHA!!! <– evil laughter
Mister Sombrero: Hi, my name is Mr. Sombrero and I’m an alcoholic Adam’s boyfriend. I have a biiiiiiiig sombrero, un mustacho and un grande belly, because I love tacos, burritos, and I can’t say no to an empanada. My weight-loss regiment will include watching Jane Fonda Exercise Videos and the Anything-Cheese Diet®. I would like to point out that I’m a lousy teammate and I have scored in the 100th percentile on the ‘Have You Ever Annoyed Adam’ quiz I can’t wait to win this! Ay-ay-ay!!!!
THE JAILHOUSE LAWYERS Polt & Jere
Polt: Hello all, this is Polt. Along with the baldy beautiful Jere, we make up The Jailhouse Lawyers! I have several plans for the contest. Plan 1: Will the weight to fall off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 2: Have enormous amounts of sex to increase my caloric usage, and work the weight off. If that doesn’t work, Plan 3: Die. Lots of weight falls of when you’re dead. And after all the fast food, Mama Polt’s lard cooked food, and candy I’ve consumed over the past week, I got lotsa weight to lose! I got this thing in the bag!
Jere: Hi, I’m Jere. As a law student, stress eating and lack of time for exercise is just a way of life. But I’m hoping to change that in 2011. I’d love to shed the pounds I put on last semester. I would claim I’m doing this to be healthy and blah blah blah, but I really just want to get laid and New York homos can be very shallow.
TEAM OINK Harry & Michelle M.
Harry: I am Harry McFatty. I need to lose a few pounds because I’ve been drinking too much beer.
Michelle M.: Hi! I’m Michelle M. My goal is to be as slender as Joshrico. But I’ll settle for dropping the 10 pounds I’ve been carrying around for the past 10 years or so.
DOCTOR AND THE BUNNYMAN Mel & John
Mel: After a holiday season of chocolate binging, I’ve packed back on a few of the 40 pounds I lost last year. I’m still around 30 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, but Good Dog am I feeling bloated lately. And strangely, people keep telling me I have this glow about me. Fuckers.
John: (Written By Mel) John is a mysterious man-rabbit who allegedly looks something like the one to the right. Craig & Tam may or may not know otherwise, but they’re not talking. Perhaps out of sheer terror.
TEAM MUSHY CUPCAKE Mush & Ryan
Mush: I wasn’t a fat kid; I’ve been slowly and steadily gaining weight my entire life. This morning, I weighed more than I’ve ever weighed. (These last few weeks of total indulgence have certainly taken their toll!) I don’t mind being pudgy, but the land of pudgy borders on the land of fat, as we all know, and THAT JUST AIN’T COOL. I intend to use an online calorie and fitness tracker called Sparkpeople. I’ll also be using bento boxes (to make portion control more fun, because in reality it totally sucks). I’ll also be making a real effort to increase my walking, bike riding, number of yoga classes, and I might even do the Two Hundred Situps program again.
Ryan: I’ve discovered that sitting at a desk all day and having french fries at the cafeteria every day is not conducive to keeping one’s pants size. Somehow, I managed to survive the holidays without doing to much damage. Hopefully, this contest will give me the motivation to move around and make my own healthy food.
TEAM COLON BLOW Paul & FDot
Paul: Hey guys, since I am a type 2 diabetic and have not taken care of it for 2 years this is not simply a weight loss contest for me but a need to change my life. I will be seeing the doctor next week and I’m sure he will get me back on my meds, insist on reasonable diet, and regular exercise. My mantra for the year is “lose 50 to get to 50” so watch out! Here comes a future skinny bitch! For now, I need Whitey to help me read the scale.
FDot: I am FDot. I also have an Indian name, but it has a large number of consonants and I forget their order. For recreation, I like to look outside windows. I have already started my plan for this competition by ordering all the weight loss medications I see advertised on TV. In addition to losing weight, I will also suffer liver failure, heart attacks, kidney implosions, an addiction to gambling and uncontrollable sobbing.
CANADIAN BACON Tam & Nathan
Tam: Because I feel like a giant lump of lard that is getting nothing but bigger and bigger, I have chosen to publicly humiliate myself by joining this challenge. My goal is to not get eliminated in the first round due to my weakness for all foods containing calories and have my partner hate me for life thus traumatizing him the first week of the competition. Hopefully I’ll be a slightly smaller lump of lard by the end of this process and that we can kick everyone’s ass, without ending up out of breath and in need of oxygen.
Nathan: Due to the rapid expansion of my waistline, I’ve decided to endure this competition. Regardless of how far I make it in this competition, I’ve made a new year’s resolution not to eat out ever (beer exempted) for three months. My main goal in this competition is not to be eliminated first. I have confidence in Tam and I’s capabilities, and we are going to bring it for this competition!
ENCRAIGO Enrico & Craig
Enrico: Hey y’all. I’m Enrico and I won the first round of BC&RL. After adding on the pounds last time, I’m ready to lose them so I can win again. And let’s be honest, if I lose even 10 pounds, my percentage of body weight lost will probably be greater than the 1 or 2 pounds that everyone else will lose. Adam, get ready to send me a prize… again!
Craig: Hello there! I’m Craig from Puntabulous and even though my Mom says she doesn’t want me to lose a pound, I’d love nothing more than to get rid of my muffin top! Seriously, if you flick my muffin top, my boobs jiggle. No joke! So my goal is to create some healthy habits and eliminate jigglage!
Now that you’ve met all of our contestants, who do you think will win? Place your bets in the comments! And check back next Thursday for the results of our first weigh-in!