Tag Archives: email

Advice From The Expert… ASK ADAM!

It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice.  Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything.  I know all of the answers.  All you have to do is ask.  That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam! 


Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper

How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh!  Nom!


Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?

How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!


Dear Adam: I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but what are you proscribed from wearing after Memorial Day?
Signed, Fashion Backwards

When in doubt … just wear plaid!


Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed

Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want!  That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!


Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore

Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.


Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery

Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?


Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction

Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money!  You’ll be rich in not time at all!


Have a question for Adam? Email him today!

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Sports are Stupid! Here’s 50 Things To Do Instead of Watching the Super Bowl…

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.

6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.

11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.

16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.

21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.

26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.

31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.

36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).

41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.

46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.

Have You Ever … Felt Like A Dumbass?!

There’s nothing wrong with being a dumbass (Adam). I have been a dumbass on several occasions. Why, I have done most of the things listed below – and several more to boot. Thankfully, the Have You Ever?! quizzes are only 25 items long. But enough about me – let’s find out who else will be brave enough to embrace their inner derp and share their dumbass score.

You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever waited for the light to change at a stop sign?
2. Have you ever sent an email to the wrong person?
3. Have you ever forgotten someone’s name right after you were introduced to them?
4. Have you ever found out you were singing the wrong lyrics to a song?
5. Have you ever accidentally worn two different colored socks/shoes?
6. Have you ever locked yourself out of your home/car?
7. Have you ever forgotten to buy the one thing you went to the grocery store for?
8. Have you ever tripped over your own feet?
9. Have you ever rambled on and on on answering machine?
10. Have you ever typed “you’re” instead of “your” or “it’s” instead of “its” by mistake (even though you know the difference)?
11. Have you ever discovered your fly was open?
12. Have you ever discovered that you had food in your front teeth?
13. Have you ever forgotten why you walked into a room?
14. Have you ever left your tickets at home?
15. Have you ever clapped during a pause in a concert?
16. Have you ever thought something was broken, when really it wasn’t plugged in/turned on?
17. Have you ever forgotten your wallet/not had enough money to pay for your groceries?
18. Have you ever insisted you were right, only to find out later you were wrong?
19. Have you ever left your headlights on?
20. Have you ever set your alarm for pm instead of am?
21. Have you ever forgotten to go to an appointment?
22. Have you ever gotten up early/got ready for work/school on a day off?
23. Have you ever discovered you’ve been pronouncing a word incorrectly?
24. Have you ever forgotten that something was cooking in/on the stove?
25. Have you ever looked for glasses that were on top of your head?

Tell us you’re total in the comments!

Have You Ever … Anonymously?!

Anonymity. It’s not just a hard word to spell. It’s a way to protect yourself, your identity and your secrets. So what have you been doing anonymously? Donations? Sex? Property damage? Murder? It’s time to fess up.

The rules are the same: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have You Ever?!

1. Have you ever anonymously left a note on someone’s car?
2. Have you ever hit a parked car and left without claiming responsibility?
3. Have you ever scratched a park car and left without claiming responsibility?
4. Have you ever made an anonymous donation to a charity?
5. Have you ever left an anonymous monetary tip?
6. Have you ever given an anonymous gift (e.g. secret Santa)?
7. Have you ever anonymously helped someone (e.g. helped an old lady cross the street)?
8. Have you ever anonymously corrected someone’s grammar?
9. Have you ever anonymously followed a blog for a long time without commenting?
10. Have you ever left anonymous comments on a blog?
11. Have you ever left mean or rude anonymous comments on a blog?
12. Have you ever chatted anonymously in a web chat room?
13. Have you ever video chatted anonymously on Chatroulette (or a similar site)?
14. Have you ever ever used a pseudonym to hide your identity?
15. Have you ever written an anonymous letter or email to someone else?
16. Have you ever written an anonymous letter to the editor of a newspaper, magazine or similar publication?
17. Have you been anonymously quoted by an interviewer?
18. Have you ever written an anonymous love letter?
19. Have you ever posted a “missed connection” on Craigslist?
20. Have you ever made an anonymous prank phone call?
21. Have you ever anonymously leaked confidential or secret information?
22. Have you ever had anonymous sex?
23. Have you ever used a glory hole and had no idea who was on the other side?
24. Have you ever anonymously raped someone?
25. Have you ever anonymously murdered someone?

Leave your anonymous total in the comments!

EXCLUSIVE: Intercepted Cocktabulous Emails!

As we move forward with the merger of Cocky & Rude and Puntabulous, there are a lot of wrinkles that need to be ironed out.  Each day, your two favorite bloggers (along with Craig) are working tirelessly as they proceed with the union.  And like so many marriages, there have been a few bumps in the road.  Check out this thread of emails, which I secretly intercepted (from my own inbox).

Friday, 10:30am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

I guess we won?


Friday, 10:31am
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

And yet he still referred to the merged site as Puntabucock!


Friday, 10:33am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

Don’t worry — I’m planning to squeeze him right out of the organization, just like Zuckerberg did to New-Spiderman.


Friday, 10:34am
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

the new spider-man who was on an episode of Doctor Who Series three with Martha!


Friday, 10:36am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

Yup, and that’s why I’m going to eliminate you as well.  ME AND Justin Timberlake are gunna run Cocktabulous all the way to TRILLIONAIRE.


Friday, 10:45am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

I wish craig would respond to this so I could turn it into a “leaked internal email thread” blog post.


Friday, 10:51am
From: Craig
To: Adam; Mikey

Bullshit. It’s Puntabucock or nothing.


Friday, 10:54am
From: Adam
To: Craig; Mikey

So the poll on Puntabulous and your reader’s opinions means nothing?


Friday, 10:57am
From: Craig
To: Adam; Mikey

The readers mean everything to me. That’s why I must protect them from making the wrong choices.


Friday, 11:00am
From: Mikey
To: Craig; Adam

So the poll on Puntabulous and your reader’s opinons MEAN nothing, ADAM!!!!


Friday, 11:02am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

huh?


Friday, 11:04am
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

you wrote “So the poll on Puntabulous and your reader’s opinions means nothing?” which is grammatically incorrect…poll and opinions mean nothing is correct


Friday, 11:06am
From: Craig
To: Mikey; Adam

As the man behind the revenue making (NSFW) portion of Puntabucock, my opinion matters more.


Friday, 11:11am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

As president, the final decision rests in my hands.


Friday, 11:11am
From: Mikey
To: Craig; Adam

The name Cocktabulous is more likely to lead to “found money” (i.e. people searching for “cock”)


Friday, 11:14am
From: Craig
To: Adam; Mikey

Oh, so the readers’ opinions mean nothing to you?


Friday, 11:17am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

No, only the readers’ wallets.


Friday, 11:26am
From: Craig
To: Adam; Mikey

I can’t wait to expose who you really are! You’re a monster!


Friday, 11:27am
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

a monster who uses a big purple dildo for purposes that I would rather not know about


Friday, 11:31am
From: Adam
To: Mikey; Craig

Yea, I still don’t understand why you insisted that Craig draw one of the doodles with a big dildo.  I’ve never owned, used or threatened anyone with a dildo.


Friday, 11:33am
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

you don’t have to lie just because you wan to post this on the blog


Friday, 11:35am
From: Adam
To: Craig; Mikey

Craig — for the video section, I think we should introduce a “HAVE YOU EVER?!” series where we attach the respondents to a lie-detector test.


Friday, 11:59am
From: Craig
To: Adam; Mikey

GENIUS! Can we taze them if they lie?


Friday 12:00 noon
From: Mikey
To: Adam; Craig

if we get a medical and legal release

It’s a close look at the gears turning in the minds of the geniuses behind Puntabucock Cocktabulous.  Truly fascinating, isn’t it?

Silver Surfing the Internet: 10 Suggestions for Seniors with Computers

I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen.  I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into.  But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire.  He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know.  The computer is simply a new way to play card games.

Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer!  The Internet is a wide and wondrous place.  Here are some suggestions to get you started…

E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why?  Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.)  You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family.  Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.

Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them?  There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc.  Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute.  Where is the ‘s’ again?  I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow.  Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.

Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican.  The best news site for you is FoxNews.com!  They offer a  fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals!  Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll!  Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather.  A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days.  And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day.  Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!

Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old.  They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground.   Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair.  It’s just disgusting.  Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look.  And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?

It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn?  The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks.  And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright.  eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money.  And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore.  You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer!  As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!

Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened).  Why not Google your favorite topics?  I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.”  Or why not just use Google as an address bar?  Wanna go to FacebookSearch for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”?  Old people LOVE to do that.

Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives.  Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree?  Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates?  Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services.  Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up.  They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.

Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say?  That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants.  He thinks it’s funny.  I think it’s disgusting!  Old people love stalking their family on Facebook.  They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.

Old people are great, and they love computers.  With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet.  Do you have any suggestions of your own?  Add to my list in the comments!

Have You Ever … Annoyed Mikey?!

A few months ago, we found out how easy it is to annoy Adam. You may have just been humming along living your life when some random dude in a red Honda Fit flipped you off and called you a granny-ass driver.  That was Adam.  Now it is time to see how difficult it is to annoy Mikey: the self-proclaimed master of zen.  You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.

Have You Ever…

1. Have you ever ordered something on the menu at a restaurant and then asked that ever single item on your entree was removed?
2. Have you ever ordered something unfitting from a karaoke bar, like wine?
3. Have you ever reached the top of a stairway and stopped directly at the top without regard for the fact that others are walking behind you?
4. Have you ever stopped at the bottom of a moving escalator thinking that the people right behind wouldn’t end up crushed to death?
5. Have you ever corrected someone’s spelling in a non-formal communication like a chat, email or blog post?
6. Have you ever corrected someone’s grammar in a non-formal communication like a chat, email or blog post?
7. Have, you, ever, inserted, additional, commas, into, Mikey’s, writing, because, you, felt, they, belonged, there? [Note: Adam edited this question.]
8. Have you ever called someone five seconds after emailing them to see if they got your email?
9. Have you ever emailed someone and asked what “twitter town hall” was and if it was something to do with skype?
10. Have you ever walked slowly in the middle of the sidewalk?
11. Have you ever gone to a movie close to start time and yelled over the crowd to see if “that seat is taken?”
12. Have you ever pushed someone out of the way on the train platform so that you could get to the bottleneck at the gate directly in front of them?
13. Have you ever stood in front of subway doors or elevator doors when they are open without moving to allow people to get on or off?
14. Have you ever talked on your cellphone while riding any form of public transportation?
15. Have you ever used the “10 Items or Less Lane” when you had more than 10 items?
16. Have you ever used the self-checkout lane with more than 5 items?
17. Have you ever been consistently late and blamed your lateness on the “traffic” or the “subway?”
18. Have you ever asked where the paper clips are when they are always in the supply cabinet?
19. Have you ever expected someone to supervise your staff because you don’t understand your own job?
20. Have you ever kept a yappy dog  at home with no entertainment or distraction to keep it from yapping at every sound it hears?
21. Have you ever given/received a blow-job at a friend’s housewarming party on his bed, while other people were in the next room?
22. Have you ever given shooting lessons to a 7 year old?
23. Have you ever been pretentious?
24. Have you ever taken Mikey for granted?
25. Have you ever been Sarah Palin?
Wow…you really do annoy Mikey!  Leave your number in the comments so we can all see how much you have annoyed the hell out of him!