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Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Welcome to the 7th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is always a Biggest C&R Loser favorite!  It’s time for: “What’s Inside Your Fridge?” Let’s see what our contestants are hiding behind the refrigerator door!  This week each of our contestants will show you a photo of their fridge and describe the contents. Here we go!


Nathan

healthy-fridge-270x300

My fridge at home looks a lot like the one in this photo. Now that I’m leeching off my parents for practice teaching, they only have healthy things in the fridge. It should be good for me as long as I don’t splurge on my own! Which I won’t, because I’m broke.


Polt

photo (13)

Ah yes, this week is the fridge picture. And here we go! Top shelf: OJ, milk, butter, Ginger ale; next shelf: eggs, carrots, celery, salsa; next shelf: Salad stuff, and meat (to make chili tonight); next shelf: Diet Coke, baking soda, two bottles of wine, one bottle of beer; In the lower drawer is an onion, for the chili; The door shelves contain condiments, then yogurt, the applesauce. Healthy, I know! But now I’m really looking forward to the chili tonight!


Tam

fridge

So. Our fridges. I tried to have it neater this time so Adam wouldn’t freak out. I only got groceries on Sunday so I’m surprised it’s not fuller (more full?). My freezer is stocked up and yes, that is two containers of Hagen Daas. But come one, it was $3 off, and it’s next to the box of Weight Watchers egg mcmuffins so I think that has a moderating effect on the ice-cream calories. I tend to fill up the freezer, then don’t buy anything until it empties out. Just restocked. Our top shelf is usually lunch stuff, pudding, juice, etc. There are some leftovers in there this time, I usually have an average number of fruits and veggies in the bottom and we have lots of juice and soda in the door along with various bottles of sauce, relish, whipped cream in a can, marinade, salad dressing, etc. Oh and that little drawer inside is chock full of cheese. (Sorry Michelle) So an average fridge? We take our lunch to work/school every day and we cook dinner at home 13 out of 14 days, so we usually have a lot of staples on hand to make it fast and easy.


TwoPi

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Atop the fridge are several boxes of cereal, bottles of dishwasher detergent, and vitamins. Freezer is packed, mostly with frozen fruit, ice cube trays, and coffee. The main section of the fridge has waaaay too much stuff in it, with the bottom shelf dominated by a pot of broccoli-bean-and-lemon pasta, and various other containers of leftovers. Good luck finding what you’re looking for in there!


Adam

photo (1)

In the freezer I have some frozen veggies and pitas. On the fridge door I have some condiments, seltzer, rice milk, canned fruit and water. In the fridge I have some Fresca, veggies, fake cheese, leftover taco “meat”, apples, hummus, peanut butter, tofu and tempeh. YUM! Now I want to go eat it all.


Michelle M.

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We always have the following in the fridge: juice, salad dressings, condiments, fruits, veggies, Harry’s beer and my zinfandel (Beringer’s!), dill pickles (Adam’s favorite) and salsa. There are usually ingredients for a meal or leftovers from my cooking, but I didn’t cook this week (lazy!), so the fridge is a little bare. There are some leftover fajitas from the Mexican restaurant where we had dinner the other night. And the yogurt (yuck!) is Harry’s, he’s been making smoothies.

freezer

In the freezer: 1st drawer: frozen veggies. 2nd drawer: popsicles (Harry had a cold/sore throat), ice cream and vodka. I find when I freeze Thin Mints, the box will last longer than a day. That hummus is soooo garlicky – when Harry eats it, the house reeks of garlic. That’s why it was banished to the freezer (until I’m out of town or die). 3rd drawer: Lots of leftovers (in the back), some Lonely Man dinners and a big old bag of strawberries for Harry’s smoothies.


Mikey

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What’s in my fridge? Not a lot at all as you can see. There are a lot of condiments though…I’m on the all condiment diet you see. Lots of flavor…very little health.


Mr. Sombrero

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Now that I look at this picture I realize how crammed, small, messy and badly-lit this fridge is. Maybe I should be on Food Hoarders, if there is a show like that. It does have good things in it. Lots of veggies and fruits, some protein and leftovers. Yummmmm!


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The Cocky Chronicles 1.09

Episode 1.01 | Episode 1.02 | Episode 1.03 | Episode 1.04
Episode 1.05 | Episode 1.06 | Episode 1.07 | Episode 1.08

For more adventures of Super Viagra & Vagina Girl, go to Puntabulous.com

Inside the C&R Studio

Have you ever daydreamed about being a famous star? Money, adulation, magazine covers, swag, critical acclaim, limos, red carpets, awards, casting couches, stalkers, plastic surgery, paparazzi, rehab – it all sounds so glamorous! But all this means nothing unless you’re invited to appear on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Well, just in case you hit it big and have to face James Lipton and his enormous stack of blue index cards, you should be prepared. So I asked you to answer the questions* that are always asked at the end of the show. Here are your answers:

*The questionnaire concept was originated by French personality Bernard Pivot, after the Proust questionnaire.

What is your favorite word?

Tam: Passel
Mark: Anthrax (love the syllables)
David G.: Door. I couldn’t possibly tell you why.
Polt: Eighteen…cause then, all the boys are legal  : ).
Craig: Nevertheless
Jere: Petunia
Mel: Most days it’s “fuck”.
Adam: Chuckle
Michelle M.: Silver
John: Cookie
VUBOQ: Martini
Mikey: Dinner
Nathan: Loquacious
FDot: Flibbertigibbet
Enrico: Arboretic
The Kid: Disrupting or fabulous
Paul: Hello
Ryan: Superfluous

What is your least favorite word?

Tam: The c-word. Can’t write it. HATE IT.
Mark: like (when not used as a verb)
David G.: Urinal. I can’t even type it without feeling icky.
Polt: I dont know sweetie…work? Boss? Gone? Yeah, Gone may be it, not for the word itself so much, but for what it can entail.
Craig: Macabre
Jere: Labia
Mel: Monetize
Adam: The r-word
Michelle M.: Ma’am
John: Familiarity
VUBOQ: Ironical
Mikey: Exercise
Nathan: lol
FDot: maybe
Enrico: The three-letter f word
The Kid: Moist
Paul: Discharge
Ryan: Marketable

What turns you on?

Tam: Humour
Mark: Intelligence
David G.: A really good kiss.
Polt: Younger guys. Asians. Hairthings. Younger Asian guys with hairthings! Oh, and Craiggers in a purple speedo. (did you really need to ask me this question?)  : )
Craig: Chest hair
Jere: Feeling sexy in someone else’s eyes.
Mel: Nice eyes
Adam: Laughter
Michelle M.: A sense of humor
John: Intelligence (and a hot ass).
VUBOQ: This may be weird, but the smell of some soaps on guys. Colognes, not so much.
Mikey: Honesty and a sense of humor
Nathan: Suits
FDot: Chocolate
Enrico: Intelligence
The Kid: A man in a suit
Paul: Bondage
Ryan: Short hair

What turns you off?

Tam: Bigotry
Mark: Loud brash voices
David G.: A really bad kiss.
Polt: Attitude. Someone who thinks they are more than they are or better than they are. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker right there.
Craig: Long fingernails
Jere: Lots of things, but I’ll start with the use of any body fluid used for sexytime other than semen.
Mel: Bad breath
Adam: when I’m taken for granted.
Michelle M.: Ignorance
John: Arrogance
VUBOQ: Feet
Mikey: Liars and bad smells
Nathan: Facial hair!
FDot: Annoying people
Enrico: Close-mindedness
The Kid: Dreadlocks
Paul: Sweat dripping in my eyes
Ryan: Smart phone addiction

What sound or noise do you love?

Tam: Wind in the trees rustling the leaves (not the willows)
Mark: A sustained note on a slightly distorted electric guitar
David G: When Typo (one of my cats) meows and yawns at the same time.
Polt: Honestly, a kid laughing! Whether it’s a baby giggling or a 7 year old laughing as he chases his brother. Always makes me smile.
Craig: The woods
Jere: Wind and rain outside my window
Mel: The foghorn on our local lighthouse
Adam: Cat’s purr
Michelle M.: A beautiful piece of music
John: Baby sneezes
VUBOQ: The crunching sound made when I’m walking through fallen Autumn leaves
Mikey: Air conditioning…humming and white noisy
Nathan: Bassoon! If that’s cheating, than the noise that the wind makes when it rustles the trees.
FDot: Ocean waves at night
Enrico: Adele’s voice
The Kid: Food sizzling
Paul: Rain falling on the roof of the house
Ryan: Male vocals harmonizing well

What sound or noise do you hate?

Tam: The sound of a spoon stirring liquefied ice-cream – instant gag reflex
Mark: A child chorus, singing slightly off-key
David G.: Any (and I do mean ANY) repetitive sound. It just grates on my brain.
Polt: My alarm in the morning!
Craig: Screaming children
Jere: Saturday morning labor (lawnmowing, construction, etc., before noon)
Mel: Motorcycles drowning out the foghorn
Adam: My alarm clock
Michelle M.: My alarm clock
John: The alarm clock
VUBOQ: Cardboard being cut
Mikey: Nails on a chalkboard or fire alarms
Nathan: The bird outside my window when I’m trying to sleep.
FDot: Fingernails on a chalkboard
Enrico: The sound of a bird’s beak as it attacks my window (every morning at 5am!)
The Kid: Mosquitos buzzing
Paul: Fran Drescher
Ryan: Squishy sploochy sounds

What is your favorite curse word?

Tam: Fuck
Mark: “Oh MAN!” (Once we had our first child, Heather and I trained ourselves not to curse, and it mostly has worked.)
David G.: Fuck. It is the most versatile word in the English language, after all.
Polt: Fuck. Although if I’m around polite company, I generally just use shit. And if *I* did something stupid, then it’s a hearty “Oh fuck ME!”
Craig: God damn it!
Jere: Justin Bieber’s Hairless Scrote!
Mel: See #1
Adam: fuck
Michelle M.: f*ck!
John: Fuck
VUBOQ: fork
Mikey: tit-wank (thank you Catherine Tate)
Nathan: You Gosh Darn C***
FDot: Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch
Enrico: Avada Kedavra
The Kid: Firetruck
Paul: Cunt
Ryan: Bollocks

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Tam: Ballerina
Mark: Pro hockey (but I can’t even skate)
David G: Realtor.
Polt: Custom condom fitter? No seriously, if I had my pick, it would be a comic book writer.
Craig: Teacher
Jere: Playwright
Mel: Writing
Adam: I’d work for Ikea, assembling furniture for displays
Michelle M.: Billionaire
John: Artist
VUBOQ: Professional Potter
Mikey: Filmmaker…I aspire to be Christopher Nolan
Nathan: Novelist
FDot: Screenwriting
Enrico: Personal assistant to a celebrity (maybe Kina or Jojo)
The Kid: Uhh. I’m not employed, but being an astronaut would be fun.
Paul: Professional sugar daddy
Ryan: Economist

What profession would you not like to do?

Tam: Sewer cleaning
Mark: Restauranteur
David G.: Anything from the show Dirty Jobs.
Polt: Anything that makes me to physical labor outside, especially in the summer. Oh and anything involving heights!
Craig: Call center
Jere: Surgeon
Mel: Auto sales
Adam: Sales
Michelle M.: Soldier
John: Lawyer
VUBOQ: Anything to do with sewers or plumbing.
Mikey: Cess Pool serviceperson (see above re: smells)
Nathan: Anything where you just stand around and don’t actually DO anything.
FDot: Farmer
Enrico: Dentist
The Kid: Eww. A fisherman or exterminator.
Paul: Boy of professional sugar daddy
Ryan:Academic post-doc

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Tam: “Juan and Felipe have your cocktails over there on the left by the pool. Have a nice stay.”
Mark: “Meow…prrrr.”
David G.: Girl, you just barely made it.
Polt: What I’d LIKE to hear him say is, “Welcome.” But what he’ll probably say is, “Huh? You? recheck the list!” : )
Craig: “You were a nice person, welcome.”
Jere: “Look, I’m as surprised as you are that I exist, and I know I’ve got a lot to apologize for…”
Mel: “I’m awfully me-damned happy to see you. These other angels are so! fucking! boring!”
Adam: You were right all along, I don’t exist!
Michelle M.: Relax. It’s all good – come on in!
John: We’ve been waiting for you.
VUBOQ: “This way to the Martini Lounge.”
Mikey: You sure tried to piss me off, didn’t you?
Nathan: Welcome?
FDot: Your family is over there.
Enrico: “Ke$ha is waiting inside for you.”
The Kid: “Follow the white rabbit”
Paul: “Your afterlifetime supply of Entenmann’s and young power bottoms are waiting for you.”
Ryan:You weren’t nearly as selfish as you worried you were.

Need to waste some time at work? Here is a Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire you can take to see which celebrity you have the most in common with. Mine were Barbara Walters and Kirk Douglas.

Let’s All Start Having Some Babies!

Let’s face it.  Most of our readers beginning to look a little long in tooth.  Some of you only have a few more good years before your insides dry up and begin to reject the idea of baby-making.  It’s right time that we all started rubbing our nether regions together with the single goal of squirting out the next generation of bloggers, before it’s too late.  Gay, straight, indifferent, not even human?  I don’t care what you are!  Start banging, because we need to procreate!

But which of us will create beautiful babies, and which of us will create horrible monsters, unlike the world has ever seen?  Let’s find out!  Using a time traveling device the miracle of online baby face generators, I’ve taken a peek into the future to see what each of our offspring will look like.  Here are the results:

What would happen if Cocky & Rude bloggers Mikey and Adam squirted out a little baby?
They’d welcome this little bundle of joy grump into the world.

How about Mr. Sombrero and his boyfriend Adam?
The stork would dump this little Santa hat wear’n tyke onto their doorstep.

How about Mikey and his boyfriend, Ty?  They’d be the proud co-daddies of this weird-looking little big-head!

How about the happily married wonder-couple of the blogosphere: Harry and Michelle?
They’d welcome this curly-haired little cutey!

Ever wonder what a Super-Michelle would look like?  Let’s mate two Michelles and find out!

What about this happy coupleTam and Polt would squirt out … an African American baby?!

But I’m guessing that Polt would rather have an African American baby
with Craig, whose bushes he normally inhabits.
Mel is a veterinarian, so we’ve paired him with a bunny: John!
Their bestiality would unleash this little monster upon the world.David and David have the same name … so why shouldn’t they make a baby?
They’d have this ugly, cross-eyed, round-headed, little puffer fish baby.

How about everyone’s favorite wonder twins,  Josh & Enrico?
Check out the adorable baby embodiment of Joshrico!

What if David and VUBOQ had some baby-making relations?
They’d produce this pointy-haired little cross-eyed demon!

Everyone’s favorite (non-Tam) Canadians, Kristen “The Kid” and Nathan.
What an … unexpectedly Asian baby they’d produce!

What kind of baby would Ryan have with his true love? 
This one — presumably with delicious cream filling!
This round-headed little monster is the product of Jere and Chris D.!
Please be responsible parents and wash your kid’s dirty face!
Paul made FDot a little less pure when they got together and created this little joy.

The only perfect mate for Justin is the website, Wikipedia.
Together, they’d create this all-knowing, all-correcting, asterisk-loving little egghead.
And finally … let’s mate Craig with his beloved Super Viagra & Vagina Girl.

Or, seeing the results … maybe we shouldn’t.
So which is your favorite baby?  Tell us who should mate (and who shouldn’t) in the comments!

Let’s Snoop Around the C&R Readers’ Desks!

There’s something kinda fun and dangerous about snooping around someone’s private things.  Whether you’re peeking in a coworker’s drawers, peeking in a blogger’s windows (yes, I’m referring to Polt), or taking a peek inside someone’s medicine cabinet when you use their bathroom, you experience a certain feeling that’s kinda cool.  Your adrenalin surges a little bit as you picture yourself as a sneaky detective looking for clues.  Or maybe that’s just me.  (And now that I’ve written this, I doubt that I’ll ever be invited to any of your houses ever again.)

Last week I asked the C&R readers to submit photos of their office desk or workspace, so we could all snoop around and make fun of their desks.  (click to enlarge all photos!) Here’s what was submitted:

First up, here’s a photo of my own desk.  My desk is the epitome of [professionally undiagnosed] Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  At first glance, it would appear that I’m not busy — but I am, I just keep everything that I’m working on in a small stack under my phone.  There is a near-complete lack of personal objects (my idea/dream is that I’ll quit or be laid off at any moment, and I don’t want to carry anything out the door with me).  Objects of note: cutout of Canadian goose (a coworker stuck it there), 3 computers (a Mac flanked by two PCs), and my impressive colored paperclip collection in the left corner, which actually stretch from ceiling to floor.

You can probably guess whose desk this is by the Dilbert calender.  It’s Craig‘s!  As we learned via Twitter a few weeks ago, Craig is currently working a in a giant trailer on a construction site.  His desk is small and impersonal, and appears to have no privacy at all (no wonder he’s always bitching about the name of this blog…).  Craig’s desk features a few organized piles of papers and a large monitor that is crammed with boring spreadsheets.  Objects of note: Tissue box, cup, small mysterious bottle (to the right of the calendar), and a lack of C&R on his computer screen.

Mikey submitted two photos of his desk at the International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission. The first made me wonder if Mikey works in a yellow haze all day long, but the second photo somewhat reassured me that his camera was just playing tricks.  Mikey appears to have a lot going on at work, as his desk and bulletin boards are cluttered with papers, headphones, and various personal effects.  Objects of note: A bulletin board that is leaning against the wall (no one at the IGLHRC can hang that on the wall for him?),  a small square jar of rocks, the famous photo of Mikey as Marylin Monroe, and a stack of business cards that I designed for him!

Mikey’s Dad submitted these two photos of his spacious office area.  Clearly an office where there is a lot going on, Mikey’s Dad’s desk(s) appears to be the workspace of multiple people.  This office features lots seating, nice wall/desk colors, and lots of storage (cabinets and drawers).  Objects of note: lots of bottles and buckets that house mysterious substances, a cardboard box shoved under desk, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, the view of a store (?), and a complete lack of C&R on the computer screens.

Mr. Sombrero submitted this photo.  Our repeated attempts to ascertain whether or not a tornado, hurricane or exploding bomb had created such a mess have gone unanswered.  What we can see is that Mr. Sombrero has two Macintosh computers, and one was apparently shoved aside to make room for the larger of the two.  Objects of note: a mustache hanging from his monitor, a photo of his kitty, and lots and lots and lots of papers.

Paul submitted these three photos.  The first is of his nameplate, which I assume he is very proud of.  The second is a photo of his very organized office (which rivals my OCD, to an extent).  Paul’s office is very color coordinated — almost everything is either black or white.  The few specs of color that you may notice are Post-It notes that have been stuck to the wall.  I applaud Paul’s neatness and organization!  The final photo is a photo of his computer, featuring a Dr. Who and Star Trek theme.  This appears to be the only hint of Paul’s geekiness in the entire office.  Objects of note: a glass hand next to the calculator, lots of binders, and Paul’s own personal printer (jealous!).

Polt submitted this photo of his desk.  Polt rivals Mr. Sombrero for the messiest of the submitted desks, but Polt gains points back for having (what appears to be) C&R on his computer screen (even thought it looks all screwed up in the ancient version of Internet Explorer that he’s using).  Polt’s tiny desk features piles and piles of paperwork, toys, a phone and not a whole lot else.  Objects of note: Polt’s odd choice of a steno pad mouse pad, a surprising lack of purple, Spongebob and Superman toys, and the awful mint-green door and wall that Polt probably has to look at all day long.

VUBOQ‘s desk appears to be the exact opposite of Paul’s.  Where Paul’s desk was organized and stuck to a black and white color scheme, VUBOQ’s desk is a colorful collage of rainbow colors and happiness.  VUBOQ works in what I’m guessing is organized chaos; his work scattered all over his desk, intermingling with toys.  Objects of note: a green bag of rolled papers (they remind me of graduation diplomas), a colorful and flexible orange dinosaur, a jar of rubber cement (possibly for sniffing), action figures, Pez dispensers, and a colorful assortment of Post-It notes.

And finally (and slightly out of alphabetical order) is Tam‘s desk.  The first photo is of her desk, the second is the view into her office, and the third photo is the view out of her office.  Tam sent her photos complete with every possible bit of interestingness pointed out (making my job very easy).  Objects of note: Annoying window, Canadian recycling bin, flip chart why?, a really old calendar and delicious snacks.

So what do you think of all the desks?  Which is your favorite?  Neatest?  Messiest?  Craziest? Where would you like to work?  Leave your thoughts in the comments!