Tag Archives: debate

Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt.  In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:

About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean.  The Queen of Spain had given him three boats:  The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic.  After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington!  Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox.  Rude!

Polt's Proud Papa!

To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow!  Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry.  That night they had crazy butt sex.  One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins!  Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth.  Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.

And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving:  the day in which we all give thanks for Polt.  We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)

But that’s not quite the end of the story.  Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday!  Here’s how it happened:

6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei.  Suddenly, something hit him right in the face!  After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)?  Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.

Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.

A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.”  Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.

The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday.  George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year.  At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.

After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.”  Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway.  In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated  him.  Bummer!

Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.”  The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping.  (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)

And that’s how Black Friday really came to be!
Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

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Have You Ever … In The Autumn?!

Autumn began last Friday, September 23rd. With its cool, crisp weather and stunning natural beauty, autumn is the perfect time of year to enjoy the great outdoors. From weekend trips to local recreation, opportunities for fall fun abound! What have you done in the autumn? Let’s find out.

The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.

Have you ever?!

1. Have you ever raked leaves?
2. Have you ever jumped into a pile of leaves?
3. Have you ever gone apple picking?
4. Have you ever consumed warm apple cider?
5. Have you ever made caramel apples?
6. Have you ever gone pumpkin picking?
7. Have you ever baked a pumpkin pie from scratch?
8. Have you ever planted mums in the autumn?
9. Have you ever purchased and decorated with gourds?
10. Have you ever hung Indian corn on your front door?
11. Have you ever made a scarecrow?
12. Have you ever decorated and filled a cornucopia?
13. Have you ever decorate the outside of your home with hay bales and/or corn stalks?
14. Have you ever driven more than an hour away just to see some beautiful fall foliage?
15. Have you ever gone for a hike in the autumn?
16. Have you ever gone camping in the autumn?
17. Have you ever warmed up next to a campfire in the autumn?
18. Have you ever posed for a photo in front of colorful fall foliage?
19. Have you ever gone to a haunted house?
20. Have you ever gone on a hayride?
21. Have you ever gone to a corn maze?
22. Have you ever gone to a harvest festival?
23. Have you ever dressed like a pilgrim?
24. Have you ever spent a Sunday watching football?
25. Have you ever debated whether or not “autumn” is a better word than “fall”?

Tell us your total and your exciting upcoming autumn plans in the comments.

Have You Ever… Been A Big Huge Freak’n Nerd?!

Are you a big huge freak’n nerd?  It’s time to admit the truth.  But don’t worry, you’re among friends!  Today’s Have You Ever?! quiz will finally draw a line in the sand.  Cool kids to the left, nerds to the right.  You know the drill.  For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point.  When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.  It’s so easy that even a cool (dumb) kid should be able to take this quiz!

HAVE YOU EVER…

1. Have you ever played World of Warcraft?
2. Have you ever attended a Star Trek convention?
3. Can you name more than 12 characters from Star Wars?
4. Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?
5. Have you ever read Manga?
6. Have you ever played a video game for more than 12 hours straight?
7. Have you ever skipped meals and showers to keep playing a video game?
8. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube?
9. Have you ever argued Ewoks vs. Tribbles with someone?
10. Can you do a good Jar Jar Binks impression?
11. Can you name more than 8 elements on the Periodic Table of Elements?
12. Can you name Pi decimals past 3.14?
13. Have you ever written fan fiction?
14. Have you ever been a member of a chess club?
15. Can you speak (even a little) Latin?
16. Do you commonly use the term “frack” in general conversation?
17. Have you ever played Magic: The Gathering?
18. Have you ever worn a pocket protector?
19. Have you ever read a television show novelization (Star Trek books, etc.)?
20. Do you (or have you ever) owned more than 100 comic books?
21. Can you speak (even a little) Klingon?
22. Have you ever been to a midnight showing of a movie?
23. Have you ever (or have you ever wanted) to watch all three of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings movies back-to-back?
24. Do you own more action figures than the average 12 year old?
25. Have you ever debated who the best Star Fleet captain is?

Tell us your total in the comments!