Tag Archives: cupcakes

Stuff I actually dream about

In my last post I talked about the things I like to daydream about.
But what do I dream about when I’m fast asleep? Let’s find out…

Monday I dreamed that Jessica Simpson was coming out with a line of butter candies. The flavors she had were: buttered toast, buttered popcorn, hot buttered rum and baked potato with butter. She needed my help to come up with the 5th flavor. I suggested buttered waffles.

Tuesday I dreamed that I worked at the Mad Men offices. I was going through everyone’s files to find out what their salaries were. I’m sneaky that way.

Wednesday I dreamed that I was hanging out with Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman. She was really impressed that I had a gold ring with three purple stones (I do not really have a gold ring with three purple stones).

Thursday I dreamed that I was a consumer reporter analyzing pool rafts.

Friday I dreamed that I couldn’t open my high school locker. It seemed I spent all night trying to open my combination lock. I hate those kinds of dreams. (In high school my locker combination was 10-16-38).

Saturday I dreamed that I was in charge of refreshments for the Honey Boo Boo airshow (she would jump out of an airplane and fly to the ground). I couldn’t find a dozen doughnuts, cupcakes or cookies, so I had to mix and match. It was very frustrating.

On Sunday I dreamed that I went to a party thrown by Kathy Griffin. I par-tayed until the wee hours. The next day Liam Neeson was mad at me for keeping his little boy out all night long. I guess I was supposed to be babysitting him – oops.

So what does any of this mean? Who cares. At least I didn’t dream that my teeth were falling out or that I had a mouth full of gum. My favorite dreams are flying dreams – but I rarely have those. What are some of the weird dreams you have? Let me know in comments!


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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 9

Our eighth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eight weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

People say that you should never sweat the small stuff.  But sometimes it’s the little things that drive us crazy.  This week we asked each of our contestants what one (or more) ‘little things’ are that bother them.  Maybe it’s their blobby fat that hangs over their waist band, or the way that diet food always seems to taste awful.  Here’s what they said:


Tam
When you say little things, I’ll take it literally. Why are little things so fattening? It’s only a few peanuts. They’re miniature M&Ms. It’s just dried cranberries. All of them JAMMED with calories (in addition to good things). All small food should have small calories. If you eat a huge burger, big calories. Tiny cookies, tiny calories. Why are these things not logical?


Mr. Sombrero
There are few things that bother Mr Sombrero. Number one is the scale. It hasn’t moved in weeks. What the frak scale?! I thought we were in this together?! Did Adam put you up to this? [no response] Whatever. Another thing that bothers Mr Sombrero is his full length mirror. I don’t like what I’m seeing. Yes I’m talking to you mirror. Don’t give me that fat look. You know what else bothers Mr S? That kid that lost his cupcakes. Yeah that Ryan kid. Showoff. I think I’ve seen some of his cupcakes hanging around my scale. And another thing, what is up with veggie farts. I mean seriously, enough is enough. And do they have to smell like hipster’s wool hat on a hot and humid urban August afternoon? Yeah these are some of my (least) favorite things…


Ryan
I’m getting tired of tracking everything. It’s the key to my success so far, but it gets really frustrating whenever I eat something outside of my normal routine. The uncertainty of how much food something contains can make planning the rest of the day pointless. This leads me to rely mostly on whether I feel hungry, but this leads to the temptation to let myself have what I want to eat even if I shouldn’t.


Michelle M.
One of the little things I hate is being a girl and trying to lose weight. It’s hard to stay on track when you automatically put on up to 5 pounds of water weight each month. You think you’re being good and the WHAM the numbers on the scale jump up. It’s so discouraging. And craving sugar and salty snacks doesn’t help. Stupid hormones.


TwoPi
What irritates me the most is having to pay attention to the bathroom scale once a week. Bad enough having to stand on the darned thing, which naturally gives out a little creaking noise, as in “Oh my GOHD how many of you ARE there?” Then there’s a number, which is never the number I remember from when I was in high school (roughly the last time in my life I stood on a bathroom scale on a regular basis). And finally, there’s the blasted comparison of this week’s number with last week’s number. Ugh. I feel like a schoolboy who just got called in front of the class and didn’t do his homework. Bleh.


Mikey
The little things I hate are the way my shirts fit and the way that my pants fit. I feel like ALL of my shirts are too small and I float around like the pink iceberg named Fat Betty. My pants however are loose enough that I need a belt, but my belt doesn’t have a hole at the right spot….so they are constantly sagging and showing my ample rear.


Adam
A little thing that I hate?  Clothes that don’t fit.  I’ve gained some weight in the last year — and now the shirts I wore last year aren’t fitting.  Why can’t someone design clothing that grows with you?  Or maybe I should just buy every available size of shirts that I like.  That way one of ’em will always fit!  Think of all the plaid!!!


Polt
So this week we’re talking about the little things we hate. Writing these blurbs each week can be a pain, but I’ll not mention that. And I thought I’d actually have to force myself to be taking walks, but I find I enjoy them, and frankly, feel a bit guilty when I don’t take one at least every other day. No, I think what irritates me the most about this diet thing, is the lack of variety in the food I’m eating. I’m eating all the meat and veggies I want (not that I want, or even eat all that many), but after awhile, I’ve just gotten sick of steak. I’d really like to have a sub and some chips, or a big plate of steaming hot pasta and meatballs, or a huge greasy slice of pizza…but I cant. Steak and salad for me…thank you very much. Ah well, in the end it’ll be worth it, right?


And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

C&R Fight Club: THE MUFFIN MAN vs. RYAN!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


THE MUFFIN MAN

AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mister Muffin
Date of Birth: 1820
Place of Birth: England
Nationality: British
Hair Color: dark, balding
Current Residence: Drury Lane
Relationship Status: unknown
Occupations (current and/or past): Baker, Man
Height & Weight: unknown
Favorite song: The Muffin Man
Favorite Food: muffins
Favorite Muffin Flavor: all
Favorite Cupcake Flavor: none
Known for: baking muffins, living on Drury Lane
Catch Phrases: “Do you know the Muffin Man?”
Claim to Fame: living on Drury Lane
Favorite curse word: Drury

Do [or “Oh, do”] you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man, Do you know the muffin man, Who lives in Drury Lane?  Yes [or “Oh, yes”], I know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man, Yes, I know the muffin man, Who lives in Drury Lane.  The Muffin Man’s secret weapons include: an endless supply of muffin, ovens set to 350°, cast iron muffin pans, and a mustache.


RYAN

AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Cupcake, Ryan With A Cupcake
Date of Birth: 12/15/1981
Place of Birth: Rochester, MN
Nationality: United States
Hair Color: Brown
Current Residence: La Jolla, CA
Relationship Status: Single
Occupations (current and/or past): Student
Height & Weight: 6’5″ & 81% of January 1st Ryan
Favorite Song: The Downtown Fiction – Thanks for Nothing
Favorite Food: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream
Favorite Muffin Flavor: Apple Cinnamon
Favorite Cupcake Flavor: Red Velvet
Known for: Geeking out over physics/science, buying things Craig likes (except Transformers), picture of an insane robot dog
Favorite curse word: Bollocks

Hailing from sunny California, Ryan spends his days geeking out over science that mere mortals (like us) will never ever begin to comprehend.  He describes his accent as “Canadian according to a Mexican and not noticeable according to someone who was transiently in Minnesota.”  Ryan was born in Minnesota, spent a brief portion of his childhood living in the land of cheese, and later moved to California to avoid the extreme heat and cold of the Midwest.  He considers himself a cat person (although he does own a cat).  Ryan’s secret weapons include an extensive knowledge of physics, an endless supply of cupcakes and cupcake icing, and an insane robot dog.

Who will win in the battle of  MUFFIN vs. CUPCAKE?  Will the Muffin Man beat Ryan over the head with a cast iron muffin pan?  Or will Ryan defeat the Muffin Man with the powers of science?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to both Ryan & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2: Week 12

A dozen weeks… that’s a really long time!  A long time ago, we started Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 with 18 players … and now only 3 remain!  Next week we’ll crown a winner, but this week we’ll give the contestants one last chance to wrestle it out and talk some smack.  Let’s get started…

Mush: I am one pound shy of my goal, and I probably would have made it, too, if I hadn’t decided to go to Portland and drink like a fish all weekend. I should win because I have BEEN ON A GODDAMNED DIET FOR TWELVE FUCKING WEEKS and because I’m just basically pretty awesome in general. For a total weirdo. And because right now my G’ma is baking cookies that I won’t be eating and the whole house smells like heaven. Heaven I won’t be eating.

Paul: Win or lose has not been my goal here at all. My goal has been to improve my health and what this contest has done is to help me focus on that goal. I want to with Mush and Ryan the best of luck and congratulate them on their great progress during this contest. Now that the Miss America speech is over, YOU ARE GOING DOWN BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan: I should win because I stand for those most American (and Canadian of values): cupcakes, kittens, and comically incompetent robot dogs. I’m actually surprised that I’ve made it this far. I was expecting my initial trash talk to come back to bite me, but I survived to the finals. I would love to win the $250,000 grand prize, but whatever happens, I plan to keep on losing weight so that I blow everyone away at the six-month reunion special. (Note to Polt: Blow everyone away, not blow everyone)


Here’s the part of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 where we normally post a chart that illustrates the contestants’ weight loss percentages. BUT for the first time, we’re not going to tell you how they did. Last week there was only a -.36% difference between first and third place … so this contest could go ANY way! Next week we’re reveal the results, but for now, let’s do something a little different. Instead of eliminating a player, we’re going to pick our favorite contestant!  This week, we’ll vote on FAN FAVORITE!  Make your choice:

On Sunday, we’ll post the fan favorite results.  Until then, let’s talk about who we think will win Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … in the comments!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 7

The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Our competition is on the road to the finals. So far, Adam & Enrico have been duking it out for the top spot. Has Adam knocked Enrico off that high horse and into the muck (and by muck I mean Lindsay Lohan‘s giant steaming pile of vomit)? Only the readers who immediately scroll down the results chart will know for sure! Let’s check in with all the lards and lardies:

Stop trying to make fetch happen, Adam!

Adam: I was at McDonald’s a few times during my vacation to access free WiFi. While there I drank huge containers of orange juice, which then led to me to a terrible case of the Hershey squirts. I think that contributed to me maintaining the same weight this week. Oh and all the blogging I did while Mikey was slacking off.

Spring: purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *bite*

Mikey: It is a miracle! On my vacation, I managed to lose a little bit more weight that put me back at my starting weight! Yay! Vacation. I attribute this weight loss to the calories I burned while singing in the car, dancing while drunk, and swimming against rip tides!

Michelle #1: Adam gave me these Kalteen bars. They’re Swedish or something. And they’re supposed to burn up all your carbs. So far I haven’t lost any weight, but if I’m sure if I keep eating them, I’ll be fetch in no time.

Is someone celebrating Jimmy Carter's presidency?

Polt: This week I tried a new tact and actually went on a diet: the peanuts and Asti (as opposed to my regular penis and ass diet) diet. Classy, I know. And it worked so well that I actually gained a few pounds, putting me well above my starting weight. How is it that when I’m on vacation, I lose weight, but at home dieting I put it on??? Maybe I just need another vacation…

Is it fair to put this photo on a diet post? Nope...

Matt: What?!?! I gained a pound! This is ridiculous. I’ve been to the gym 3 times this week. Which is like a record for me. I guess my main mistake was baking all day on Sunday for my soon-to-be-ex-coworkers. This is my last week of working at my judicial clerkship before I’m forced into the real world of being an actual attorney. So I baked to hide my nerves. Brownies and peanut butter frosted chocolate cupcakes (I must be a lot more nervous than I thought). Maybe I should go back to vomiting all solid foods. That seemed to work for me quite well.

Enrico is a pretty lady.

Enrico: Today I ate four donuts, sixteen Big Macs and two loaves of bread. I lay engorged in my bedroom, dreaming of the day when I will no longer be mocked for my thin legs and concave belly. But still, I remain the same weight. Someone tell me, when is it my turn? As I watch the summer come to an end, I think of the cold winter ahead and the time that I will eventually empty my breath from its bad prison. I only hope by then I will need an extra-wide coffin.

Michelle #2: I had my last cigarette on August 14th. For the next seven days, I ate whatever the hell I wanted – cheezy poofs, chocolate truffles, whatever it took to keep me from smoking. Today I weighed [myself] because Mikey was nagging me to and I’m now at an astonishing -5.30%. Yes, quitting smoking has garnered me eight total pounds of weight gain. EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING POUNDS. Go to the store and pick up eight pounds of hamburger and stand there with it: THAT’S what I’ve gained. Needless to say, I won’t be winning this competition. But at least I don’t smoke anymore.

Contestant % Lost Place
Enrico -8.18% Biggest Cock!
Adam 5.74% 2nd Place
Matt 3.00% 3rd Place
Spring, Mikey, Michelle #1
0.00% 4th Place
Polt
-1.15% 5th Place
Michelle #2
-5.32% Rudest Loser!

So there you have it folks! With only two more weeks left in our competition and it still looks like either Enrico or Adam will have the Biggest Cock.  But you never know what is around the bend.  Maybe Michelle #1 will lose all of her water weight and the pounds will slide off!  Or Mikey might even lose 10% of his body weight in two weeks by resorting to the old Master Cleanse.  Get your lemons and maple syrup ready folks…this could just be a photo finish.

My weight loss is still 0.00%.

This is due to the fact that I am basically not trying to lose weight in any organized way at all; since this contest began I have been eating Mexican food, goat’s milk brie, and potato chips with sour cream dip. I have exercised, like, three times. My caloric intake of alcohol alone the first week was… let’s just say it was a lot.

The good news, though, is that being in this contest has kept me aware enough to maintain. Without the contest, I’d probably be gaining right now. So thank you boys for that.

Of course, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. I could mummify myself at the last minute and totally win this thing, bitchez! Whoo hoo!