Tag Archives: crazy

Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Welcome to the 9th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HATE” – Everyone is annoyed by something. What’s one of the ‘little things’ that bother our contestants? Maybe it’s the blobby fat hanging over their waist bands or the way that diet food always tastes awful. Let’s find out what bothers them!


Tam

Fruit_Plate

The little things. Little tiny portions. Seriously, look on the package of some of your fave snack foods. 120 calories… for 8 chips. WTF? No one in their right mind eats 8 chips or 1 cookie. Get a grip manufacturers.


TwoPi

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Annoyances? I’m annoyed that my weight seems stuck, just fluctuating between two numbers for week after week. And I’m annoyed that I keep forgetting that there’s a blurb due on Wednesdays, so I’m always dealing with these at the 11th hour.


Adam

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Ya know what bugs me? The fact that junk food is delicious and yet it makes me feel bad about myself! I need liposuction and/or Lap-Band surgery. Too bad I spent my last $5 on this stupid contest.


Michelle M.

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I hate that I have to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts when it’s 90 degrees because I can’t fit into my shorts and tshirts. So maybe I better get going on this weight loss thing. Summer is just around the corner (especially in San Diego).


Mikey

little things

Little things that drive me crazy??? Numbers! All I do now for my diet is think about numbers: calories, grams, and amount of time moving. The only numbers that are not small that are driving me crazy are my weight and my pant size. THE HUNGER IS TO BIG TO BE A LITTLE ANNOYING THING.


Mr. Sombrero

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I hate my job! Was that the question? I’m sick of people and I don’t even have time to diet these days. Somebody pay me to nap and be happy!!


Nathan

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The little thing I hate the most is my own laziness! There is so much that I could accomplish if I were less lazy (the least of which is getting more done for this competition).


Polt

guilt

This week it’s the little things we hate about the contest. Hmm, I don’t think any of them are little. I HATE being fat in the first place. I hate having to diet. I hate having to exercise when I feel like blobbing on the couch. I hate that the food I’m suppose to eat, I don’t like, and the food I LOVE is bad for me. I hate not looking like a male fashion model. I hate Congressional Republicans and their policies. Wait….I digress….

What I hate most, I think, is the guilt. When I go to bed at night and I realize I haven’t walked, even though I had the time. Or when I order a regular Pepsi at a restaurant instead of just water. Or when I eat a whole freaking (small-sized) pizza instead of a salad. I hate the guilt the comes with it. But I’m used to guilt…I kill it by eating a Cadbury caramel egg!


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The REAL Reasons Behind Tom & Katie’s Divorce!











Thanks to Craig for his assistance with this post!


Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 9

Our eighth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eight weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

People say that you should never sweat the small stuff.  But sometimes it’s the little things that drive us crazy.  This week we asked each of our contestants what one (or more) ‘little things’ are that bother them.  Maybe it’s their blobby fat that hangs over their waist band, or the way that diet food always seems to taste awful.  Here’s what they said:


Tam
When you say little things, I’ll take it literally. Why are little things so fattening? It’s only a few peanuts. They’re miniature M&Ms. It’s just dried cranberries. All of them JAMMED with calories (in addition to good things). All small food should have small calories. If you eat a huge burger, big calories. Tiny cookies, tiny calories. Why are these things not logical?


Mr. Sombrero
There are few things that bother Mr Sombrero. Number one is the scale. It hasn’t moved in weeks. What the frak scale?! I thought we were in this together?! Did Adam put you up to this? [no response] Whatever. Another thing that bothers Mr Sombrero is his full length mirror. I don’t like what I’m seeing. Yes I’m talking to you mirror. Don’t give me that fat look. You know what else bothers Mr S? That kid that lost his cupcakes. Yeah that Ryan kid. Showoff. I think I’ve seen some of his cupcakes hanging around my scale. And another thing, what is up with veggie farts. I mean seriously, enough is enough. And do they have to smell like hipster’s wool hat on a hot and humid urban August afternoon? Yeah these are some of my (least) favorite things…


Ryan
I’m getting tired of tracking everything. It’s the key to my success so far, but it gets really frustrating whenever I eat something outside of my normal routine. The uncertainty of how much food something contains can make planning the rest of the day pointless. This leads me to rely mostly on whether I feel hungry, but this leads to the temptation to let myself have what I want to eat even if I shouldn’t.


Michelle M.
One of the little things I hate is being a girl and trying to lose weight. It’s hard to stay on track when you automatically put on up to 5 pounds of water weight each month. You think you’re being good and the WHAM the numbers on the scale jump up. It’s so discouraging. And craving sugar and salty snacks doesn’t help. Stupid hormones.


TwoPi
What irritates me the most is having to pay attention to the bathroom scale once a week. Bad enough having to stand on the darned thing, which naturally gives out a little creaking noise, as in “Oh my GOHD how many of you ARE there?” Then there’s a number, which is never the number I remember from when I was in high school (roughly the last time in my life I stood on a bathroom scale on a regular basis). And finally, there’s the blasted comparison of this week’s number with last week’s number. Ugh. I feel like a schoolboy who just got called in front of the class and didn’t do his homework. Bleh.


Mikey
The little things I hate are the way my shirts fit and the way that my pants fit. I feel like ALL of my shirts are too small and I float around like the pink iceberg named Fat Betty. My pants however are loose enough that I need a belt, but my belt doesn’t have a hole at the right spot….so they are constantly sagging and showing my ample rear.


Adam
A little thing that I hate?  Clothes that don’t fit.  I’ve gained some weight in the last year — and now the shirts I wore last year aren’t fitting.  Why can’t someone design clothing that grows with you?  Or maybe I should just buy every available size of shirts that I like.  That way one of ’em will always fit!  Think of all the plaid!!!


Polt
So this week we’re talking about the little things we hate. Writing these blurbs each week can be a pain, but I’ll not mention that. And I thought I’d actually have to force myself to be taking walks, but I find I enjoy them, and frankly, feel a bit guilty when I don’t take one at least every other day. No, I think what irritates me the most about this diet thing, is the lack of variety in the food I’m eating. I’m eating all the meat and veggies I want (not that I want, or even eat all that many), but after awhile, I’ve just gotten sick of steak. I’d really like to have a sub and some chips, or a big plate of steaming hot pasta and meatballs, or a huge greasy slice of pizza…but I cant. Steak and salad for me…thank you very much. Ah well, in the end it’ll be worth it, right?


And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 7

Our fifth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate six weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!

Last week we took a look at a single meal that each of our contestants submitted. This week we’re taking a look inside each of their refrigerators. Just what are they hiding inside? We’re about to find out!


Mikey
In my fridge are a wild and crazy assortment of take out food products. With Ty away for work, I have indulged my inner bachelor with all the food ordering options Brooklyn has to offer. Please note the half eaten piece of carrot cake (gross) and the assorted condiments that I save from my meals and eventually throw out.


TwoPi
Apparently I’ve found a time machine, and managed to reverse what little progress I’d made so far in the competition. Time to reassess and regroup for next week. As for the fridge… From the top going down, reading left to right: We store cereal, dishwasher detergent, and pain medication on top of the fridge. I didn’t open up the freezer, but had I done so, you’d see ice cube trays and assorted frozen fruit, a few kinds of frozen pasta (ravioli mostly, for my kids mostly), and coffee grounds stored in the door. On the front of the freezer: a few photos of friends and their children, various coupons and papers, and fridge magnets, including our Puntabulous Memorial Magnet. Top shelf of the fridge: On the left, mostly jars, mostly condiments. On the right, beverages, primarily half-gallon glass bottles of milk, from a local dairy, and some fruit and veg juices. Next layer: cheeses (in the drawer), eggs (and dyed hard-boiled eggs in the cardboard container) Lowest shelf: Strawberries, apple sauce, juices, and some leftovers in the white bowl with blue lid. (Chicken and veg stir fry, if memory serves me correctly). Low bins: various shredded cheeses and tortillas on the left, various vegetables on the right. Door: The obligatory collection of salad dressings, steak sauce, and other random condiments, butter in the butter bin, random adult beverages on the lowest shelf.


Polt
So this week, we’re doing our fridge photo. Mine is now filled with stuff on my diet: meat (steak, sausages, ham) and salad stuff (lettuce, carrots, celery, cheese, hard boiled eggs, etc) and plenty of condiments (ketchup, A-1 Steak sauce, several different kinds of salad dressing). The yogurt’s been there a few weeks, too many carbs for me to eat too often. Diet Coke. Oh and that bottle of wine’s been there since before Christmas…have to find just the right time to drink that.


Ryan
A lot of the food here is actually my roommate’s, especially in the freezer. My single serving ice creams are just off camera in the freezer door. The other items of note are the blue containers filled with the beans that I cooked last night ready to be taken with me to work.


Tam
My fridge is usually filled with pretty healthy stuff, lots of cheese products, meats, fruits, veggies and things for lunches like juice boxes, pudding, fruit cups, etc. Also lots of random stuff like pickles, salad dressing, condiments. And usually leftovers of some kind, we always seem to have leftovers.


Mr. Sombrero
Yeah, there’s mostly veggie and dairy action goin’ on in my refridge. Some soy and hummus goodies in between. And no, that’s not dried up poop, that’s a ginger root. Also, some cat food for Mr. Mini Sombrero.


Michelle M.

This is pretty much how the fridge always looks. Missing are containers of leftovers. I cook “real meals” about twice a week. Other nights we eat leftovers. The two nights a week Harry plays hockey, I usually have soup or rice. Weekends we go out for dinner or scrounge around in the cupboards. The container in the back is ground flax seed (which I always forget to sprinkle on stuff). The beer is Harry’s, I drink the zinfandel. Other stuff you see are condiments, salad dressing, salsa (is salsa a condiment?), applesauce, fruit, veggies, salad, assorted juices and water, butter (boo!) and soda (boo!). Pretty healthy for the most part. I’m glad Adam didn’t ask for a picture of the freezer. That’s where the thin mints, tater tots and ice cream live.


Adam
I admit it: My fridge usually isn’t this empty. I usually go grocery shopping on Sunday, but since last Sunday was some random Christian holiday, my grocery store was closed. So this week I’m just going to starve! Here’s what I have… Freezer door: frozen corn, peas, broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Freezer: frozen pitas and English muffins, 2 leftover frozen black bean burgers, and ice cube tray storage. Fridge door: ketchup, jelly, a few miscellaneous condiments, iced tea, seltzer water, almond “milk”, garlic, and a giant bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale that I got for my birthday (last July). Fridge: basket containing 3 apples, water, mozzarella-style vegan cheese, leftover pizza sauce, hummus, 2 whole wheat pitas, tofu, tempeh, and a bottle of diet root beer (hiding behind the water) that I can’t drink because I stopped drinking soda. Woohoo!


And now the week’s results:

Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!

WTF Friday!

Oh my folks! The world is crazy. And I am not even talking about the current Republican candidates for President. That crap is batshit crazy, too. I am referring to the following three things: two movie trailers and a story out of the UK about a girl who has eaten little other than chicken nuggets since she was two years old.

Let’s start at conception. While working yesterday (read: online) I found ads for the movie What to Expect When You are Expecting. WTF!!!! Not only is this a movie based up on a self-help novel about the things a woman can expect to feel while with child, but the ad campaign is ridiculous. Can someone please give me a couple million dollars so I can show Hollywood that you can make a movie that doesn’t suck?

After you give birth to that load of crap, you must nurture it. One way to nurture your load of crap is to provide it with food. How can you screw that up? Allow them to eat nothing but chicken nuggets for 15 years. I can’t be the only person who thinks this chick’s parents should be in jail. WTF!!!!

After you have turned your load of crap into a fully grown human being, you must teach it how to do something useful. One way not to do that is to make a movie about people fishing for salmon in the Yemen. That’s right….an entire movie about salmon and WTF Yemen. Clearly they must be joking.

That’s all I’ve got kids….WTF do you have that’s better?

It’s the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award!

Before we bid farewell to the 2011 Cocky Awards, we have one final award to hand out.  Today, on the dawn of 2012, let’s join together to appreciate our final award recipient.

The 2011  Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award winner is none other than … POLT’S ASS!

With this award, we at Cocky & Rude pledge to always appreciate its nakedness, whiteness and utter flatness.  Thought it is true that Polt’s ass has been the butt of many jokes here at Cocky & Rude, we also acknowledge that as bloggers, we respect and admire everything about it.  And fear not — just because Polt’s ass has earned the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award DOES NOT MEAN that we will retire the image in any way.  We at C&R will strive to do Polt’s ass justice as we move forward into the future.  Congratulations: Polt’s Ass.  You truly earned it.

Now please stand as the 2011 Lifetime Achievement Cocky Award runner-up, Rebecca Black, performs an original composition to the tune of her smash single, Friday, entitled: Polt’s Ass.


POLT’S ASS   (written by Adam, performed by Rebecca Black & Friends)

















Congratulations to Polt’s ass and all of the 2011 Cocky Award winners!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Christmas in my Brainbank

Today is the origin of the holiday we call Christmas.  Technically the believers in Christ celebrate his “birth” on December 25, but really the Christians just put little baby Jesus in a manger at this time of year because the pagans already celebrated a bunch of shit right now. I’m all knowledgeable about this stuff and you should believe me.  The other fact I know about this time of year is that the music is amazing and awful.  It isn’t often that one gets this magnificent combination, but when it happens it is like a stripper giving out free lap dances on the day you take your coworker out to celebrate his recent engagement to that chick he knocked up a few months ago.

Where was I?  Oh right, Christmas music.  I absu-fraking-lutely love listening to Christmas music.  Maybe it’s because my parents made us listen to it, but this is one brainwashing I don’t fully hate.  I love that when the shit is hitting the electric heater in my office (the very heater we have to use because our building won’t adequately heat our office) I can turn on some Bing and I’m back in a place where no amount of stupidity can hurt me.  My brothers and I would roar with laughter when stupid old, dead Bing Crosby started singing about Christmas in Killarney.  Of course, we didn’t know that Killarney was  real place and that we probably had ancestors there.  We just found the rhythm and lyrics ridiculous.

Some twenty years later, I remember the joy we experienced in those moments.  Something so essentially happy is captured in my soul and reflected when I hear the Christmas songs that seemed bothersome or irritating as a kid.  So many memories (good or bad) can be triggered by our senses, but is generally a comfort to me that the music of Christmases gone by makes me engage with a bygone part of my life.  So much of my holiday build up is about stress: stress over shopping, angst over getting crap done at work before closure, and mostly stress over what to give that person in the bloggy gift exchange.  Then I put on my holiday mix and all is good in the world.

Yet I know that Christmas music is a bit controversial.  A lot of people seem to hate it, A LOT.  When it gets stuck in their heads, they are driven mad.  I think this is the definition of the human experience:  that which makes one person happy makes the other psychotically depressed.

So which are you, my dear bloggy friends?  Does a Mele Kalikimaka make you smile with memories of luaus gone by or vomit up the roasts porks gone by? Either way, what is or isn’t your favorite music of the season.  Share, scare, and swear away.