It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice. Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything. I know all of the answers. All you have to do is ask. That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam!
Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper
How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh! Nom!
Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?
How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!
When in doubt … just wear plaid!
Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed
Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want! That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!
Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore
Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.
Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery
Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?
Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction
Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money! You’ll be rich in not time at all!
Have a question for Adam? Email him today!
Every day when I was young (and wasn’t at school) we’d eat lunch at 11am.
We’d watch The Price Is Right.
It was glorious! But then at 12:30, my mother would force my brother and I to go outside and play!
We’d bitch and complain. Sometimes we’d cry. Being outside was awful! There were no television outside!
No video games! But my mother would ignore us. Cuz it was time for “her show” (Days of our Lives).
Once we were resigned to the fact that we’d be stuck outside until 2:00,
we would do a variety of things to pass the time.
Sometimes we’d hang out in my tree house. Please note that my tree house was way crappier than this one.
Sometimes we’d play in the stream behind our house.
Sometimes we’d ride big wheels down hill in our backyard and try to avoid all the trees.
Sometimes we’d build forts in the woods.
Sometime we’d beat each other with sticks until one of us cried,
and then spend the rest of the time begging the crier not to tattle.
Sometimes we’d shoot arrows straight up into the air and run away
as fast as we could before it fell back to Earth and stabbed one of us to death.
But most of the time, we’d just get filthy and wet. Then at 2:00, my mom would yell at us and make us
take baths before we resumed our indoor afternoon of television and video games.
Awww those were the good old days. Then I got old and everything went to shit.
Tell me one of your childhood memories in the comments!