This is a wooden plaque that Craig mailed to Mr. Sombrero (MY BOYFRIEND).
So my question to you is: What should I do with it?
It seems that people are always pestering me for my expert advice. Truth be told, I’m awesome at everything. I know all of the answers. All you have to do is ask. That’s why I’m introducing my new advice column: Advice From The Expert… Ask Adam!
Dear Adam: What should I make for dinner tonight?
Signed, Starving For Supper
How about a nice micro-green salad topped with a simple ginger and garlic-spiked orange glazed tempeh! Nom!
Dear Adam: I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who was young, cute, and rich. But I only got two out of three. Should I hold out for the full package or should I settle for hot but poor?
Signed, Should I Settle?
How many young, cute and rich guys do you know that aren’t characters on Gossip Girl? Be happy that you landed 2/3 of the perfect man!
When in doubt … just wear plaid!
Dear Adam: How can I get my husband to clean his bathroom more often?
Signed, Wedded Pissed
Two words: WITHHOLD SEX. It’s the best way to get whatever you want! That bathroom will be sparkling in no time!
Dear Adam: A couple of vegans moved in across the street. Should I be afraid of their aggressive cult-like ways?
Signed, Confused Carnivore
Trust me, vegans are just like everyone else! … but just to be safe, make sure to lock your doors and windows after dark.
Dear Adam: My younger brother is a great guy but has no self-esteem. His lack of confidence has kept him from doing anything with his life. He’s in a dead end job, hasn’t had a relationship in years, and his circle of friends has dwindles more and more each year. I want to encourage him, but he refuses to discuss his plans or goals with anyone. I just want him to be happy, but he clearly is not. What should I do?
Signed, Sibling Misery
Don’t worry, he’ll grow up eventually. Can I have his number?
Dear Adam: What the hell should I do with my life?
Signed, Miss Direction
Become a prostitute! Prostitutes make TONS of money! You’ll be rich in not time at all!
Have a question for Adam? Email him today!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan.
In his C&R Round 1 Fight, the man from south of the border, Mr. Sombrero faced off against the redneck from north of the border, a Border Patrolman. Mr. Sombrero proved victorious when he beat the Minuteman with a stunning 98% of the popular vote. In round 2, the señor Sombrero faced off against C&R writer Mikey and the knitting/veterinarian/superstar, Mel. Sombrero was again victorious, trouncing the pair with a surprising 45% of the popular vote. How will he stand up against Ty and Ryan? Only time will tell!
So far, I’ve destroyed uno, dos, TRES opponents in this silly battle. What makes you silly American think that I can’t defeat DOS more? I come from Mexico, where we murder people for fun. I will rain down on all of you with the hot sauce fiery fury of a Taco Bell restroom! Ty? That silly, bald American could never win at the Mexican version of Jeopardy! In our version, we play for tacos and kill the losers. And the winners. And Ryan? My churro could beat his cupcake any day of the week. I will destroy them both with my sombrero pulled down over my eyes! ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, resident Jeopardy! genius Ty faced off against the the wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking. After a fierce competition, The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote. In Round 2, a very pale Ty faced off against the recently employed Mush and law student extraordinaire, Jere. Ty proved that he wasn’t only good at fighting physically disabled people when he beat the two with 44% of the popular vote. Will his pale skin and giant brain be enough to defeat Mr. Sombrero and Ryan? Soon we’ll find out!
I didn’t sign up for this, I’m up against the head writer’s boyfriend, and — AND — even if I win, I have to face a Wonder Woman at least 2.5 times as sassy as Lynda Carter. In light of all that, I don’t really have the energy for smack talk. Instead, here’s TV Guide’s summary for tonight’s episode of Whitney: “Whitney catches Alex eyeing [sic] a sightly woman and punishes him by refusing to talk to him.” YEAH!!!! -Ty
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Ryan with a Cupcake faced off against his mortal enemy, The Muffin Man. The voice of the people was strong (and muffin-hating) as Ryan managed to earn a fantastic 99% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Ryan faced off against blogging superstar and world celebrity, the cocky, the rude, the egomaniac: Adam … and Chris D.
And Adam won! Somehow, Ryan managed to defeat the dynamic duo with 49% of the popular vote. Adam thinks that he may have cheated. (He didn’t.) Will he cupcake his way to victory against Mr. Sombrero and Ty? We’ll find out soon enough!
Judging by his trash talk in the last round, Ty is just another nice guy. I would have thought that the milkman would have taught Ty how to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, all I have to do is take Mr. Sombrero’s hat to give him a crippling crisis of identity.
Who will win in the battle of Mr. Sombrero vs. Ty vs. Ryan? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan for your assistance with this post!
I just looked at the calendar, and ya know what I found? It’s Friday. And here at C&R, that can only mean one thing.
We’re all going to sing Rebecca Black songs! It’s time for the Friday Five:
1. The New TV Season! Nearly all of the new shows this season are sucking some major shit… but Terra Nova was pretty good. Did you watch it? (Yea, yea, it’s sci-fi on Fox so I give it about half a season before they cancel it.) To make up for the lackluster crop of new shows, there’s plenty of great returning series that I’m excited about. Breaking Bad has been breathtakingly amazing! Plus It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks & Recreation, Fringe, Happy Endings, and Modern Family are all going strong. And I still love Glee, no matter what you say!
2. Andy Rooney is stepping down from 60 Minutes at the tender age of 472. Slacker! I hate lazy people that decide to retire early. They’re all so smug and rich. Ugh! Hate that! And who is Andy Rooney, anyway? I’m 31 … does anyone my age watch 60 Minutes? After a little bit of research, I’ve discovered that he’s a crotchety old geezer with ridiculous eyebrows. Jesus, man! Trim your forehead bush! Here’s some funny videos that make fun of Andy Rooney:
3. Taking personal days off of work is pretty great! I’ve worked at the same company for about 50 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever just taken a personal day. I’ve pre-scheduled ‘personal time’ before, but I’ve never just called out of work without lying about an illness. “Hey, it’s Adam … I’m going to take a personal day today. Call me if you need me … I’ll see you tomorrow.” It’s great! You should try it! I did it on Wednesday, so I could take a nap in the afternoon before training my way to NYC to have dinner with Mr. Sombrero and a friend. By the way, my favorite (made up) sick day excuse: “Hey it’s Adam. I’m going to take a sick day today. I’ve been up all night … the diarrhea is just awful. I must have food poisoning or something. It’s all over the walls of my apartment. I think it might even be on the ceiling. Oh God! I gotta go! See ya tomorrow!” I actually did that. It received a few hearty chuckles.
4. Beards. I find beards on guys to be incredibly sexy. And I mean facial hair — not a gay guy’s fake girlfriend that’s on him. Just to clear that up. Anyway — I’ve never really had a beard for more than a couple weeks before. I always end up getting frustrated (because they’re either itchy or begin to act like a drool sponge when I’m sleeping) but I’m totally over my beard’s itchy/sponginess. All you gotta do is wipe your face off when you wake up. Use an absorbent material like a paper towel or your boyfriend’s sheet. It works great! Yea, so I’m rock’n a beard right now. And I look goooood.
5. Apples are in season! Woohoo! With the beginning of autumn comes apple season. Yay, cheap delicious fruit at the grocery store! My three favorite apples are: 1. Jazz, 2. Honeycrisp and 3. Fuji. Someone bake me some vegan apple crisp with a side of vegan apple pie! Yum! I hope that apartment that Tam’s renting in NYC next weekend has an oven … so she can bake for me! Yay!
That’s it bitches! My five favorites of the week are: TV, Andy Rooney, Taking Personal Days, Beards and Apples! What a loverly assortment of favorite things. I’m totally more creative than that queefing madwoman or that other chick that doesn’t read C&R. Runners up this week: free food, reading, regularly cleaning your toilet, bursts of energy, fancy nail clippers, my Kindle, exclamation points, masturbating and hardcore gay porn. Woohoo!
What’s your Friday Five? Tell me in the comments!
Let’s face it. Most of our readers beginning to look a little long in tooth. Some of you only have a few more good years before your insides dry up and begin to reject the idea of baby-making. It’s right time that we all started rubbing our nether regions together with the single goal of squirting out the next generation of bloggers, before it’s too late. Gay, straight, indifferent, not even human? I don’t care what you are! Start banging, because we need to procreate!
But which of us will create beautiful babies, and which of us will create horrible monsters, unlike the world has ever seen? Let’s find out! Using
a time traveling device the miracle of online baby face generators, I’ve taken a peek into the future to see what each of our offspring will look like. Here are the results:
How about the happily married wonder-couple of the blogosphere: Harry and Michelle?
They’d welcome this curly-haired little cutey!
Ever wonder what a Super-Michelle would look like? Let’s mate two Michelles and find out!
But I’m guessing that Polt would rather have an African American baby
with Craig, whose bushes he normally inhabits.
Mel is a veterinarian, so we’ve paired him with a bunny: John!
Their bestiality would unleash this little monster upon the world.David and David have the same name … so why shouldn’t they make a baby?
They’d have this ugly, cross-eyed, round-headed, little puffer fish baby.
Everyone’s favorite (non-Tam) Canadians, Kristen “The Kid” and Nathan.
What an … unexpectedly Asian baby they’d produce!
What kind of baby would Ryan have with his true love?
This one — presumably with delicious cream filling!
This round-headed little monster is the product of Jere and Chris D.!
Please be responsible parents and wash your kid’s dirty face!
Paul made FDot a little less pure when they got together and created this little joy.
The only perfect mate for Justin is the website, Wikipedia.
Together, they’d create this all-knowing, all-correcting, asterisk-loving little egghead.
And finally … let’s mate Craig with his beloved Super Viagra & Vagina Girl.
Or, seeing the results … maybe we shouldn’t.
So which is your favorite baby? Tell us who should mate (and who shouldn’t) in the comments!