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DON’T TRUST THE B—- IN APARTMENT FRIDAY FIVE!

It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!

First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on.  Cuz it’s made of shit.  S-h-i-t.

Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:

Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight.  I just love him so much!

Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously.  I’m totally serial.

And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.:Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.”  And I love you, Michelle M.!  I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012!  Check her out here:

This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!

OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer!  Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!

This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography.  DUCK!  (a reference from season 5)

WHAT’S YOUR FRIDAY FIVE??!?!?!?!?!

GUEST POST: Craig’s Friday Five!

Hey everybody! Craig from Puntabulous here! LOL, remember when I used to blog? Anyway, I’m here to bring an end to the week of awesomeness Craig that’s been going on here at Cocky & Rude this week. So I’m here to bring you my very own Friday Five!

1. My Birthday. Being thirty is awesome! Never mind the fact that I was supposed to be a published author, married, and with children by now! Look how much better than that I am! I stopped blogging, I can’t remember the last time I went on a real date, and I hate kids! Perfect! And when it’s your birthday, your friends write about you on their vastly superior updated blogs and people who put you into headlocks in junior high now wish you happy birthday cause you’re friends on Facebook now even though you still hate them! Yay!

2. Presents. Yeah, this should be rolled into the first item, but STFU. STOP. I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m still trying to get back in my groove. STOP. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m typing on. STOP. This one of those telegrams all the kids are talking about these days, right? STOP. Anyway, besides the requisite Tanqueray and Amazon gift cards, I also got this retro game emulator which is amazing! STOP. I don’t know how my parents knew I would love such a thing! STOP. Aren’t they awesome? STOP. (I ordered it for them with their credit card.) STOP. NO REALLY, STOP. THE STOP JOKE GOT LAME EIGHT STOPS AGO.

3. Television. What, you thought since I don’t blog about TV you don’t care about on my blog means I can’t blog about TV you don’t care about on other people’s blogs?! Think again! I’m still all about television. This years new shows of amazingness are Revenge and Once Upon a Time. Revenge is just so deliciously soapy and OMG there was gay sex last week, I love it! And Once Upon a Time is so sweet and cheesy it reminds me of Merlin starring Sam Neill which I love with all my heart. Ringer sucks, but I’m still watching it, and Glee is (mostly) good this season!

4. The Christmas Season is here! Fuck every single one of you who complains about seeing Christmas decorations in stores. This is the best part of the fucking year. First there is Halloween, then my birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas! It’s like 3 months of complete awesomeness! So why not celebrate said awesomeness with an electric keyboard and clarinet version of All I Want for Christmas is You while strolling through your local mall, all decked out in fake snow?

5. Cocky & Rude. A whole week dedicated to yours truly?! Where the fuck else are you going to see such awesomeness? Brought to your face by the minds of Michelle M. and Adam! And let’s face it, even if you exclude this week of Craig, Cocky & Rude is prety damn fun every single frakking day. Also, Adam gives the best dating advice on the face of the planet. When I told him about the possibility of an upcoming date he gave these words of wisdom: “Make sure you fuck him!” and “Just get in there. You’re old now! The clock’s ticking! Fuck him on the first date!” Isn’t he romantic?

Runners Up: Peach cobbler, having my own mantle to put birthday cards on, Mikey and Ty’s public adoration of each other from continents away, & hardcore gay pornography.


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