Tag Archives: Atlantic Ocean

Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!

Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt.  In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:

About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean.  The Queen of Spain had given him three boats:  The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic.  After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington!  Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox.  Rude!

Polt's Proud Papa!

To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow!  Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry.  That night they had crazy butt sex.  One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins!  Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth.  Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.

And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving:  the day in which we all give thanks for Polt.  We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)

But that’s not quite the end of the story.  Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday!  Here’s how it happened:

6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei.  Suddenly, something hit him right in the face!  After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)?  Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.

Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.

A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.”  Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.

The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday.  George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year.  At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.

After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.”  Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway.  In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated  him.  Bummer!

Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.”  The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping.  (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)

And that’s how Black Friday really came to be!
Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!


Five Bad-Ass Things

The week is coming to a close. Finally! The weather is also starting to warm up here on the Western shores of the Atlantic Ocean. So I am in the mood for a five. The world is full of amazing things to celebrate this week, but I’m brining you just five of them.

What Shia Said to Adam
First entry on this week’s five is really more about Adam than anything else. When Adam was a wee, young single lad, he had an obsessive crush on Shia LaBeouf. If you visited Adam’s apartment during this time, it looked to be uninhabitable cave comprised entirely of pictures of the the young star. Adam’s world came to a crashing halt when Shia sent him this video in response to a proposal of marriage.

Tina Fey’s Daughter
Tina Fey is awesome. This is fact. It should therefore come as no surprise that her daughter is also awesome. Earlier this week, this photo arrived on the internet and caused a sensation. A meme was born and this site has compiled some of the best variations on this little bad-ass’s swagger.

The Los Angeles Times
When the GOP governors announced their plans for economic recovery, the LA Times didn’t miss a beat. They were right on top of the breaking story and they reported the basic facts fairly and honestly. Click this link to see how they plan to save America.

Czech Prez
We all know that pens are hard to come by these days. The economy sucks and we all can’t afford all the luxurious things we want. But things in the Czech Republic must have gotten really awful. The president of that illustrious nation was captured on film stealing a pen from the President of Chile.

Doctor Who Cast reads Tweets
Have you heard that I LOVE Doctor Who? No…well I do. And in a little over a week Doctor Who will be back on the airwaves. The cast was recently touring in NYC to promote the series 5 dvds and the impending release of series 6. While in town, they were asked to read some tweets by famous and infamous Americans in American accents. Hilarity ensued. Check out the clip on buzzfeed to see how truly awesome they all are.

There you have the five awesomest things I found this week: Shia says No, Tina Fey’s Daughter, the LA Times, Sticky Fingers McCzech, and the Cast of Doctor Who reads tweets! I hope your list can compare. Share it in the comments.