Tag Archives: 30 Rock

Biggest C&R Loser 2013

Biggest_CR_Loser_2013

Welcome to the 6th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40!  This week’s theme is “MEAL PLAN” – each contestant will show you a meal that they’re particularly proud of. Do they eat this healthy at every meal, or is it a rarity? Who knows! Here’s what they had to say:


Mr. Sombrero

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This organic vegan place down the street has these awesome smoothies. This one is called “green power”. Ingredients are: pear, banana, almond butter, soy milk aaaaaand [drum role please] kale!!! It’s tastes really good, despite the fact that it looks like swamp water. I had it for breakfast couple of times this week and it’s a nice change from standards like oatmeal, yogurt or nothing.


Nathan

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I mentioned the banana smoothies I have in the morning before, but I came to the sad, pathetic realization that I’ve done very little cooking from scratch (except pasta, which isn’t very diet-y) While living in residence at teacher’s college. So I guess I have to stick with a paltry smoothie offering for this round.


Polt

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It’s a salad from a local buffet and a Diet Coke. And that’s healthy, right? The only problem is, this photo is from a few years ago. But I DO try to eat salads and healthy foods, more often than not. Well sometimes. Well, I WANT to eat healthier at times, at least. That counts, right?


Tam

meal Tam

As a rule we eat pretty healthy. Most dinners are protein, vegetable, starch, lunches are usually sandwiches of some kind. We rarely have dessert but it varies from fruit to pudding to ice-cream if we have some in the freezer. I forgot I had to take a picture, so I found pictures of dinner I made Monday evening. Bulgar pilaf, pork loin, green beans and I confess I may have snuck a cruller that day, but that is the first donut I’ve had in… months.


TwoPi

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Most of my progress evaporated on Super Bowl Sunday, with its horrid temptations of beer and chili and chips and … and… (and that incredibly delicious buffalo chicken dip that Craig blogged about in 2008, back when Craig blogged.) But this week’s another week, and another opportunity to start eating right and exercising. (Bwahahaha!) Anyways, a fairly frequent meal in our house is a chicken and veggie stir fry. Lately I’ve been increasing the ratio of veggies to chicken, and cutting back on the Thai fish sauce to minimize sodium. It still tastes awesome, is easy to make, and my kids are even willing to eat a little bit of it.


Adam

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I’m so proud of the meal in this photo! It’s what I eat every day for breakfast … nothing! People say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but they can go fuck themselves. Plus the calories that I don’t eat for breakfast can be used later in the day (and I feel less guilty when I eat 10,000 cookies per day).


Michelle M.

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This meal consists of: vegetarian lentil stew (yummy!), a garden salad (with no fat Italian dressing) and a wheat roll. We had this the other night. I didn’t take a photo, but this is approximately what it looked like. Absent is the butter I put on my roll :(. The meals I cook are healthy. It’s the fact that I snack (chocolate and chips), eat late at night and don’t exercise that gets me in trouble. If I could cut all of that out, I’d be golden!


Mikey

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This is not the single healthiest meal I’ve eaten all week. I haven’t eaten very healthy at all this week. I took hot dogs, covered them with Jack Cheese and wrapped it in a pizza in honor of 30 Rock‘s finale. I stand by my choice.


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Visiting 30 Rock

On Wednesday, Mr. Sombrero and I attended a taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!  It was a lot of fun even though guests Taylor Kitsch and Tony Hale were a little boring.  It was cool to take a peek behind the scenes … but unfortunately I can’t share any photos of the taping because cameras were not allowed.  (Seriously, there were NBC pages everywhere, who were ready to strike!)  So instead, here are some photos of the rest of our trip to 30 Rockefeller Center.  Enjoy!

Fast Five

Amidst all the elegies for Steve Jobs, there were actually a few really awesome things that happened on the net this week. I am here to remind you of those things. So what did the Steve Jobs facilitated internet have that was so cool this week? Just you wait…

First up is actually a blast from the recent past. With 30 Rock on hiatus until January, I am crazy desperate for some zany, whacky Liz Lemony fun. And Netflix has it for me. The fifth season of that show is currently available for instant streaming and I am loving it. You should too!

When I’m not getting entertained by netflix (which I am relying on due to the lackluster fall lineup), I am also watching kids do cute stuff on the internet. Take this little cutie from the UK for example. I didn’t even know what a Nikki Minaj was until I saw her singing the crap out of it. Normal Mikey would have issues with the hypersexualization of the young girl, but let’s be honest…I am drunk when I am writing this.

Did you get the memo? It is finally freaking fall! I love fall so much I want to take it behind the middle school and turn it into more episodes of 30 Rock. It is cool and crisp and clear and I don’t sweat every time I touch the outdoors. Let’s party!

Why does partying always lead to porn? I dunno, but it just does. This is a parody of a classic porn film. Sure we could probably talk for hours about what exactly makes a “classic porn film” since porn isn’t really about art or history, but we are going to avoid that. Let’s just enjoy snarky gay dudes narrating Coach.

Speaking of really low culture, let’s talk Glee. So if you didn’t notice, I have stopped watching this particular train wreck and I couldn’t be happier. I love that I don’t have to deal with the plot inconsistencies and the really random characterization. Call me a snob, but I do want my zany, musical tv show to actually believe in its own world long enough to keep it the same for the next episode.

Ok…so there you go kiddies: 30 Rock on Netflix, Cutie singing Nikki Minaj, Fall, Coach, and Goodbye Glee. What’s on your list?

Watcha Gonna Watch: Part the Number 2

And we are back. I know you are all waiting on pins and needles for the final fourteen (and maybe actually hot) shows of the new fall season. Last week we learned that even thought there are a lot of guys on tv this fall, they aren’t all hot. Many of them are actually quite not hot. This is awful. So where are all the hot men these days? Let’s find out.

14. How to be a Gentlemen
– Sadly one of this fall’s shows that is supposed to be about men has very boring talent. David Hornsby is cute but Kevin Dillon is creepyish.

13. The Playboy Club
– The second show of the season trying to use 60s nostalgia has an admittedly attractive man in it’s cast. Sadly Eddie Cibrian is married to Leann Rhimes. That’s just crazy.

12. Charlie’s Angels
– For a show that is probably supposed to be chock full of hot women, it sure has one sexy man in the cast. Sadly, I don’t think there will be a lot of hotties in the regular cast. Ramon Rodriguez (sexy)

11. Ringer
– Yes, Buffy is finally back, but more importantly she is surrounded by men ranging from creepy, ancient handsome to dreamy handsom. I hope this twisty show finds a way for all these guys to end up in bed together.

10. The Secret Circle The CW does find very good man candy and Thomas Dekker definitely qualifies. This shows might have been bumped up on the list had Dekker gone gay like he was supposed to on that other show that time.

9. Whitney – What is with all the women centered shows??? Can’t they at least have more men like Chris D’Elia on them so they can be really hot?

8. Grimm – Things are not looking grim on Grimm. Star David Guintoli has my vote for break out hotty of the year.

7. Hell on Wheels – The title of this show might have hell in it, but the cast looks like heaven. A wide variety of types for all the connoiseurs out there.

6. Terra Nova – In the same class as the previous, this show has more men, but they are younger and hotter. Score! Even if it wants to be this years Lost.

5. Once Upon a Time – One of the real contenders for this year’s Lost has another wide swath of hot men. From the gorgeous Josh Dallas to the sexy male stripper of Robert Carlyle.

4. New Girl – For a show about a girl, this show has some the best Grade A beef out there. Perpetual hottie (and Veronica Mars alum) Max Greenfield is a mild obsession of mine. Oh and Jake Johnson and Lamorne Morris are both suitably hot as well.

3. Homeland Diego Klattenhoff is hot. He is a man in uniform. I want to see him out of that uniform. That is all.

2. A Gifted Man
– As a society, we have been blessed to receive many opportunities to see Patrick Wilson bare buttocks. Sure most of his work is really serious, but who cares. He’s amazing.

1. American Horror Story – It looked for a while like the way to win was to have the most men per screen minute. However the real way to win is to be Dylan McDerrmott. This man is the most gorgeous, sexy, blue-eyed, dark haired piece on the planet. I’m not scared at all.

Whatcha Gonna Watch: Part the Number 1

Every year (or at least the past two) Cocky & Rude has striven to inform our readers of the best new television shows of each season. To come up with our highly important rankings, I use a complicated point system that makes calculating the betting odds on a horse race look like basic addition. These numbers are then thrown out and I evaluate the programs based upon the only aspect that really matters: the hotness of the men on each program. Some say this is shallow, but to them I say “Jerry O’Connell: he’s not cute and he is tv show cyanide.” Now that you know what this post is all about, I will commence with what I do best, which is being a catty bitch while evaluating men.

This season there are THIRTY new scripted television shows. I don’t know if that is a record or anything, but it seems like a lot. Sure there are newer and newer networks introducing scripted shows than ever before, but that can’t account for all the turnover. Anyway, one of these new shows got removed from the list immediately due the fact that it is an animated series focusing primarily on children. I am not gross enough to evaluate the attractiveness of cartoon boys, so I am kindly leaving Allen Gregory off the list.

29. Pan Am – ABC’s “we are gonna copy Mad Men” show ends up all the way at the end of the line for not having a single penis in the cast of series regulars. I don’t like tuna enough to catch this flying honeypot.

28. Boss – Kelsey Grammer needs to go away. That is all I have on this show.

27. Last Man Standing – Ugh…do we have to deal with Tim Allen again? I say no. Sadly one of the supporting actors is Hector Elizondo whom I have always had a mild thing for. Sorry Hector!

26. 2 Broke Girls – Two girls making it on their own in the big city with two not so cute dudes played by Jonathan Kite & Matthew Moy. Boring!

25. Person of Interest – This drama pairs the creepy looking Michael Emerson with the Jesusiness of Jim Cavezial. That just doesn’t make me feel sexy at all.

24. Reed between the Lines – The younger O’Connell brother’s mildly more attractiveness can’t save this show from Ron Artest. Once the butt of 30 Rock joke, he now has a show. No thanks.

23. I Hate My Teenage Daughter – The only man I can find who is on this show is Chad Coleman who is not particularly unattractive, but he also doesn’t make think naughty thoughts. Bye!

22. Enlightened – Luke Wilson was sorta cute 10 years ago, now he’s just boring. And the other guy in the show looks like a Luke Wilson clone who has a mutation. Solidly cruising down the mediocre lane.

21. Free AgentsHank Azaria has the look of a man who might have been attractive, but something went wrong. I’m sure that this is the case for the show as well.

20. Man Up! – The men in this manly show range from cute to fugly. Hopefully they will be very nude and have hot bodies. THat might nudge them up the list (cuz lots of dudes is good).

19. Hart of Dixie – Youngster Ross Philips is kinda cute, but there are not enough men in this show to get into the top half of our poll. Let’s hope that changes. Can you do that Rachel?

18. Suburgatory Honestly this show should be lower on the list, but I think Rex Lee is hilarious and cute and Jeremy Sisto used to be hot.

17. Unforgettable – Nip/Tuck alum Dylan Walsh is very unforgettable (well his ass is at least), but Michael J Burg only inspires me to say “meh.”

16. Revenge – This is one of those shows that has a lot of promising talent, but one of them is so cute he might be ugly and the other has a dumb name.

15. Up All Night – Sweet, Cute, Adorable and Hilarious Will Arnett makes his return to television after last years troll doll fiasco. Let’s hope he stays cute and manages to break the streak.

Now that you suffered through the bottom 15, don’t you want to know what shows have all the hotties on them? Well you have to wait. Check back next week for the final 14 shows.

C&R Fight Club: MIKE TYSON vs. MIKEY!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


MIKE TYSON

Full Name: Michael Gerard Tyson
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Iron Mike, The Baddest Man on the Planet
Date of Birth: June 30, 1966 (age 45)
Place of Birth: Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Hair Color: Black
Relationship Status: Married to Lakiha Spicer
Occupation: retired American boxer, actor
Height & Weight: 5 ft 10 in, approx. 226
Hobbies: raising, breeding and racing pigeons
Favorite place to bite someone: Ear
Tattoos?: numerous, including a tribal tattoo on his face
Criminal Record: convicted rapist
Movie Appearances: numerous, most notably The Hangover and The Hangover Part II
Favorite Song: Phil Collins, In The Air Tonight
Awards: Numerous, including National Golden Gloves Champion Heavyweight 1984, Undisputed Heavyweight champion (held all three major championship belts; WBA, IBF, and WBC) – August 1, 1987 – February 11, 1990
Stats: 50 Wins (44 knockouts, 5 decisions, 1 disqualification), 6 Losses , 0 Draws, 2 No Contests
Claim to Fame: former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World

Mike Tyson is a former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World and holds the record as the youngest boxer to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles, he was 20 years, 4 months and 22 days old. Tyson won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, with twelve of them occurring in the first round. Tyson successfully defending the World Heavyweight championship nine times, including victories over Larry Holmes and Frank Bruno. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his ferocious and intimidating boxing style as well as his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring. Tyson’s secret weapons include superior ear-biting ability, a penchant for raping people, fists of steel, and a terrifying face tattoo.


MIKEY

AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mike, Mickey Mouse, Marrow
Date of Birth: 05/11/1879
Place of Birth: Bay Shore, NY
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Current Residence: Brooklyn, NY
Relationship Status: happily cohabitational
Occupation: gay for pay
Height & Weight: Shorter than Craig & Heavier than Craig
Hobbies: movies, literature, making grammatical mistakes so Adam has a reason to interact with me
Favorite place to bite someone: in the bedroom
Tattoos?: none
Criminal Record: that was stricken from the record when I turned 18 so I don’t see how it is any of your business
Movie Appearances: Grey Gardens ( I was a cat in a former life)
Favorite Song: 99 Luftballons, Nena’s famous anti-balloon protest song
Awards: some really dorky overachiever awards throughout grades K-12 then I became an award winning underachiever
Claim to Fame: I invented post-its
Secret Weapons: metaphors and thesauri
Favorite curse word: tit-wank

In Mikey’s own words: “I’ve had so many lives that it’s hard to just write about the current one, but I’ll try.  I was born a long time ago in the realm of the fairies. You might know it as Long Island.  Anywhooo after I saved the world from destruction by the Noid in the late ’80s I decided to go into semi-retirement.  I now spend most of my time watching 30 Rock, The Catherine Tate Show and anything else that is available streaming on Netflix.  When I’m not doing that, I have a job.”  Mikey’s secret weapons include “metaphors and thesauri,” as well as a never-ending supply of cheese balls, a really smart boyfriend, an incredibly long tongue and the ability to lick ginger pussy better than anyone else.


Who will win in the battle of  MIKE vs. MIKEY?  Will Mike Tyson tear Mikey limb from limb? Or will Mikey pelt Mike Tyson with cheese balls and lick him to death? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Mikey & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

2 Atheists Give Up Stuff For Lent

The boys of Cocky & Rude love the lead up to Zombie Jesus Day a lot. Adam gets to eat all the vegan candy he can find and Mikey gets to make fun of Adam for eating vegan candy, which sounds just plain gross. We also get to talk about all the stuff that we are going to give up for Lent. We have no idea why we or anyone are supposed to give stuff up for the period between Mardi Gras and ZJD, but they do. Here is what we are giving up this year.

Adam: I’m not going to Be (Fake) Nice To My Coworkers anymore. No more polite smiles. And I will no longer bite my tongue and listen to you babble about the weather.

Mikey: I’m not going to Tell People I’m Giving Up Catholicism for Lent. I never really had it and frankly the joke has gotten tired.

Adam: I’m going to give up Weight Loss. It’s overrated, I’m happier when I’m fat, and you people already kicked me out of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.

Mikey: I’m not going to Say that I’m Fat. It might be horribly true, but I’m not going to tell anyone how super sized I have become or how few of my clothes fit me.

Adam: I’m also giving up Being Nice To People. It takes too much effort and it’s easier to be rude. Plus when I’m rude to people, it’s free advertising for Cocky & Rude.

Mikey: I’m not going to Apologize to People I Bump Into on the Subway. When I do, they look at me like my apology is the offensive part.

Adam: No more Being A Courteous Driver for me! If you’re driving too slow and I’m stuck behind you, please prepare for me to honk at you. If you’re driving stupid, I will give you the finger.

Mikey: No more Whining About How Few Comments I get. It is your own damn fault that you are missing an opportunity to interact with the greatest mind of my generation. Suit yourself.

Adam: I will no longer Help Little Old Ladies Cross The Street. Not that I’ve ever helped a little old lady before, but if I see one, I will most definitely push them to the ground and step on them.

Mikey: I am finished Helping Tourists Get Around the City. They just need to shut up, buy a map and get the hell out of my way. I’m serious. German? Get Away! Italian? Mop off the grease and get off the street.

Adam: Forget Waiting My Turn At The Supermarket! I’m now just going to mow everyone down with my shopping cart. If you’re between me and my produce, I’m going to hurt you.

Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Quoting 30 Rock all the time. The show is incredibly brilliant and the humor can not be contained. I will continue to work on my night cheese.

Adam: Street runners beware! I will no longer refrain from Rolling My Window Down And Screaming At You Like A Lady. Oh wait, I’ve never refrained from doing this. Is that weird? I scream a high pitched wail at the same large-chested man in a tight t-shirt at least once a week.

Mikey: I’m not going to Stop talking about How Amazing Cheese is. It is the best substance ever. I love chocolate lots, but cheese is the best thing that ever happened to anyone including you.

Adam: That’s it for Covering My Mouth And Nose When I Cough And Sneeze! My germs are awesome, and from now on, I’m going to share them with all of you!

Mikey: I’m not going to Wash My Clothes. I hate doing laundry and I think that the fake god wants me to not do it, so I won’t. I might smell by the end of Lent, but I’ll be happy.

Adam: I’m also giving up Watching My Language Around Children. They’re going to hear some fucking curse words somewhere, so they might as well fucking hear them from me.

Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Making Goo Goo Sounds at Dogs on the Street. I don’t care if your think it makes me sound like a crazy person or immature. Dogs are cute and deserve to know it.

Adam: No more Making Fun Of You Behind Your Back for me! Now I’m just going to make fun of you to your face. And it’s gunna be brutal.

Mikey: I’m not going to Complain to Adam about his continuing to Watch American Idol. He watches a lot more shows that I will tease him about. I bet he still watches that one about those doctors who don’t really know anything about medicine other than how to sexually harass each other in the on call room.

Now that you know what good boys we plan to be, let us know what you are going to give up this Lent. We will accept all answers as a contract between you and the Lord. (For the purposes of this blog, Cocky & Rude is the Lord).