Up until the last 40 seconds or so…this is totally reminiscent of Adam’s most infamous post.
I was paging through the latest issue of Details magazine and I don’t know why, but this article caught my eye.
It’s all about The Six Fastest Ways To Get Ripped; which are (1) pull-ups, (2) bench presses, (3) squats, (4) farmers walks*, (5) military presses* and (6) deadlifts*. BUT I DISAGREE! That list is complete bullshit.
Here’s my list of The Fastest 6 Ways to Get Ripped:
1. Have good genes.
2. Exercise 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
3. Take lots of steroids.
4. Never eat anything that tastes good.
5. When the photographer comes, make sure you’re super tan, dehydrated, and covered in oil.
6. Make sure that they Photoshop the crap out of you so you look perfect!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are super ripped and everyone wants to have sex with you!
*You may be wondering WTF farmers walks, military presses and deadlifts are. I have no idea. If I had actually read the article, I could probably tell you.
I had a dream last night that I was at a wedding and the minister was going on and on and screaming louder and louder. She started speaking in tongues, and she started floating. The best man started screaming “Sieg Heil!” and doing the Nazi salute — and then he saluted over her and hit the string that was making her “fly.” She started rocking back and forth on her string and everyone started laughing because she was faking the whole thing. Then I woke up.
Making Out, 30 minutes: 230 calories
Foreplay, 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 for men
Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories
Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories
Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories
Strip Tease: 60 calories
Oral Sex: 100 calories
Missionary Position, 10 minutes: 250 calories
Woman on Top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men
Sex Standing Up: Up to 600 calories for both people
Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session
Orgasm: From 60-100 calories
What does this mean?
After eating a scoop of vanilla ice cream (2-1/2 oz. – 170 calories), you should masturbate and then unclasp a bra with on hand.
After binging on an entire jar of peanut butter (18 oz. – 3,200 calories), you should have sex standing up 5 times and then unclasp about 12 bras with one hand.
I think you get the point…
So how many calories have you burned lately? Why do we even bother exercising when we can just bang instead? And after reading this, are you going to rethink your exercise routine?
What were Adam and Craig thinking?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to:
Thanks to Craig for creating this glorious image.