Whatcha Gonna Watch: Part the Number 1

Every year (or at least the past two) Cocky & Rude has striven to inform our readers of the best new television shows of each season. To come up with our highly important rankings, I use a complicated point system that makes calculating the betting odds on a horse race look like basic addition. These numbers are then thrown out and I evaluate the programs based upon the only aspect that really matters: the hotness of the men on each program. Some say this is shallow, but to them I say “Jerry O’Connell: he’s not cute and he is tv show cyanide.” Now that you know what this post is all about, I will commence with what I do best, which is being a catty bitch while evaluating men.

This season there are THIRTY new scripted television shows. I don’t know if that is a record or anything, but it seems like a lot. Sure there are newer and newer networks introducing scripted shows than ever before, but that can’t account for all the turnover. Anyway, one of these new shows got removed from the list immediately due the fact that it is an animated series focusing primarily on children. I am not gross enough to evaluate the attractiveness of cartoon boys, so I am kindly leaving Allen Gregory off the list.

29. Pan Am – ABC’s “we are gonna copy Mad Men” show ends up all the way at the end of the line for not having a single penis in the cast of series regulars. I don’t like tuna enough to catch this flying honeypot.

28. Boss – Kelsey Grammer needs to go away. That is all I have on this show.

27. Last Man Standing – Ugh…do we have to deal with Tim Allen again? I say no. Sadly one of the supporting actors is Hector Elizondo whom I have always had a mild thing for. Sorry Hector!

26. 2 Broke Girls – Two girls making it on their own in the big city with two not so cute dudes played by Jonathan Kite & Matthew Moy. Boring!

25. Person of Interest – This drama pairs the creepy looking Michael Emerson with the Jesusiness of Jim Cavezial. That just doesn’t make me feel sexy at all.

24. Reed between the Lines – The younger O’Connell brother’s mildly more attractiveness can’t save this show from Ron Artest. Once the butt of 30 Rock joke, he now has a show. No thanks.

23. I Hate My Teenage Daughter – The only man I can find who is on this show is Chad Coleman who is not particularly unattractive, but he also doesn’t make think naughty thoughts. Bye!

22. Enlightened – Luke Wilson was sorta cute 10 years ago, now he’s just boring. And the other guy in the show looks like a Luke Wilson clone who has a mutation. Solidly cruising down the mediocre lane.

21. Free AgentsHank Azaria has the look of a man who might have been attractive, but something went wrong. I’m sure that this is the case for the show as well.

20. Man Up! – The men in this manly show range from cute to fugly. Hopefully they will be very nude and have hot bodies. THat might nudge them up the list (cuz lots of dudes is good).

19. Hart of Dixie – Youngster Ross Philips is kinda cute, but there are not enough men in this show to get into the top half of our poll. Let’s hope that changes. Can you do that Rachel?

18. Suburgatory Honestly this show should be lower on the list, but I think Rex Lee is hilarious and cute and Jeremy Sisto used to be hot.

17. Unforgettable – Nip/Tuck alum Dylan Walsh is very unforgettable (well his ass is at least), but Michael J Burg only inspires me to say “meh.”

16. Revenge – This is one of those shows that has a lot of promising talent, but one of them is so cute he might be ugly and the other has a dumb name.

15. Up All Night – Sweet, Cute, Adorable and Hilarious Will Arnett makes his return to television after last years troll doll fiasco. Let’s hope he stays cute and manages to break the streak.

Now that you suffered through the bottom 15, don’t you want to know what shows have all the hotties on them? Well you have to wait. Check back next week for the final 14 shows.


5 thoughts on “Whatcha Gonna Watch: Part the Number 1”

  1. Wow, I have to say those were all pretty pitiful. Is Hollywood only hiring people who can act these days? What’s up with that? And the Jesus-look is not hot. Is Suburgatory about a BDSM relationship gone bad?

  2. I haven’t heard of any of these…not that I’m actually looking for new shows. Seriously, about the only thing I watch on network TV anymore is the NFL. And SNL. Other than that, it’s all cable networks for me.

    Perhaps if the networks would put out fun and interesting stuff, original stuff, instead of trying to just dumb everything down and copy what’s successful somewhere else, we might have a better selection of shows.

    Perhaps, Adam, you could pitch a show wherein you hide the photo of my ass somewhere and have teams of people try to find it. Not my real ass, mind, just the photo of it. Although depending on how cute the guys were looking, maybe they COULD find my real ass….


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