Last week, fresh from my vacation, I brought you my five best things about vacations, but sadly summer vacation season is coming to an end and we must once again live in a world where we do not have a sunny week all to ourselves. For every good thing there is a bad thing; and for every good vacation thing, there is a bad vacation thing. Or so I’m told that tranny principle works. Without further ado, I give you the five vacation worsts.
I love to go places. I do not love getting there. On my most recent vacation trip I had to deal with the following: cramped bus seats, some dumb girl who insisted on having a loud conversation on her cellphone the ENTIRE bus trip, torrential rain in Delaware, stupid traffic in Delaware, and poor cellphone reception. I was promised that teleportation would be invented by now and I am suing whoever promised that to us. I’m looking at you William Shatner.
Jellyfish & Mole Eating Fish
While on my vacation, we encountered a variety of sea life. Most of which was nice to us. The dolphins or porpoises or whatever were really neat. The two aforementioned varieties were not so nice to us. Two people got stung by the ooey-gooey minions of death that haunt the oceans and I was viciously attacked by a fish that decided my mole was a tasty morsel. All of these attacks were shocking and at least one of them lead to the receiver screeching like a girl. That persons identity will remain nameless to protect their innocence.
On the day that the jellyfish descended, one of our beach neighbors rain screaming from the beach dramatically as if she had seen a huge shark eat her kid. All she saw was a jellyfish. Over the next few days, we observed her behaviour and demeanor, which lead to her being nicknamed Ursula based upon her resemblance to that evil woman. She was quite unpleasant to be around. She cursed a blue streak, left her baby unattended in the heat, and fed that same baby beef jerky. I’m very glad that Ariel came to vanquish her with her queefs.
In my earlier post, I waxed poetic about the sun like I have never done before. Well I forgot to mention the sunburn I got in the most random places: my right ear (not both…just the one), the top of my left foot in a weird triangular patch, and just outside my armpits. I hate sunburn. It hurts and makes you feel hot all over. Gross….
The first day back
All of that bad doesn’t really compare to the final worst: returning to work and that first day back. If all the time you relaxed was to be bunched up and flipped inside out to become a walloping ball of stress, that would be your first day back to work. People ask you ten million questions about stuff that you have idea about because you were out of town for a week. Also there is the fact that you can’t sleep in.
The only answer to these worsts is to stay on vacation forever at a beach resort that has no human attacking animals, plenty of shade, and no one resembling a Disney Character. Don’t you agree?