Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., Captain Kirk and Polt.
If you remember all the way back to April 14th, you’ll remember our first Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, which pitted our beloved Michelle M. against the media mogul, Oprah Winfrey. In the end, Michelle M. destroyed Oprah with 87% of the votes.
“After weeks of exhaustive training (imagining workout montages and putting on solid muscle fat) I feel I am ready for Round 2! I WILL avenge my darling Craig by K.O.ing the crap out of Kirk. He’s ancient and fat and his toupee and girdle will be his undoing. I think of Polt as a lover and not a fighter, so as long as I pay a few half-naked Asianswithhairthings to sit on the sidelines and distract him I am golden. Plus, I’m counting on the fact that Mama Polt taught her boy to never hit a lady. I AM TOO A LADY, SHUT UP! Anyway, if none of the above works, I will just unleash the Power of PMS. VICTORY IS MINE!!” -Michelle M.
In our shocking second Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, Puntabulous’s Craig faced off against Star Trek’s Captain Kirk. And in a shocking turn of events, Captain Kirk beat Craig with 52% of the vote. Craig has the distinction of being the only real contestant in the history of C&R Fight Club to lose his battle against a fictional or celebrity contestant.
“Captain’s log, Star date 201108.18. I’ve never trusted Polt and Michelle M., and I never will. I could never forgive them for the death of my boy. Cocky & Rude Fight Club: the final frontier. These are the voyages of CAPTAIN MOTHERFUCK’N KIRK!!! My five-year mission: to destroy Polt & Michelle M., and win C&R Fight Club!! I KHAAANNNN’T LOSE!!” -Captain James Tiberius Kirk
The third C&R Fight Club battle was a duel between the greatest queen that North America has ever seen and the United Kingdom’s actual Queen. Polt easily beat Queen Elizabeth II to a bloody pulp when he earned 95% of the vote.
“Me versus Michelle M. & Kirk? I should be worried right? One is guy who defeated Craiggers and the other is Michelle M. (nuff said there, eh?). But am i worried? HELL NO! Kirk doesnt bother me cause I know Battlestar Galactica kicks Star Trek’s ass any day of the week, so I’ll just channel some hard core Admiral Adama anger and take him right out! And as for Michelle M., well no one wants to go up against her, do they, cause she’s so sweet and nice and Michelle M.-ey. But I know the truth. I know how to beat her: I’ll get a group of noisy kindergarten kids on one side of her and a tipsy VUBOQ with bottles of his homemade alcoholic creations on the other and then, while she’s distracted, I’ll just overwhelm her with the purpleness of my being!!!! MWahahahahahaha!!!! And if that doesn’t work, I’ll ask her very nicely, pretty please, with sugar and a cherry on top, to just lay down and pretend I beat her so that I don’t have to live with the embarrassment of being defeated by a woman smaller than the lower half of my right leg. BRING IT ON, BIIIIIIIII-OTCHESSSSSSS!!!!!!” -Polt
Who will win in the battle of Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. & Polt for your assistance with this post!