C&R Fight Club: ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM!

Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


AKA / Alias / Nicknames:  Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon
First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty
Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado
Nationality: American
Hair Color:  brown
Current Residence: South Park, Colorado
Relationship Status:  single
Religion: Roman Catholic
Occupations (current and/or past):  Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante
Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000),
Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away 
Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs
Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat
Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers
Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him.
Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home”
Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses.
Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck

Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time.  Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.


AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy
Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980
Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ
Nationality: American Mutt
Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish
Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ
Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero
Religion: atheist
Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page
Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft
Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious
Common Attire:  plaid, flip flops
Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard
Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross
Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis”
Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life
Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”

Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight.  After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring.  Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents.  But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker.  Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes.  In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times.  A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college.  He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated.  Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized.  Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness,  grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography.  Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.

Who will win in the battle of  ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM?  Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies?  Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!


13 thoughts on “C&R Fight Club: ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM!”

  1. Cupcake, your icon looks disturbingly like mine. I thought someone had stolen it! :0 Oh, and poor Adam, taking on Cartman…I think you might be going down like a Five dollar crack whore at sunrise…beeeee-otch.


  2. a urine-soaked digital camera.

    I think I just found out a bit more about your relationship with Mr. S than I really wanted to know. *thinks of rainbows and unicorns to erase the image*

    I know not this Cartman character, but I’m pretty sure if he doesn’t love plaid he doesn’t have a chance.

    1. Cartman managed to get Cthulhu to be his sidekick. Together, they defeated the most evil being in the universe, Justin Bieber:

      1. Taking on an amoral tween with a blowtorch was already going to be a massive challenge, but to also have to take on Cthulhu? Yikes.

        Will there be a consolation bracket for those who fall in the first round? If so, the Craig vs Adam fight club match will be epic.

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