Enlightening Adam: The Vagina

“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson

Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:


the theater:

pop culture:


and art:

Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:

Also, the vagina is a hero! Not a zero.

So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:

1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!

They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.

2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.

That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).

3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.

Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.

4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!

Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.

5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!

Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).

6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!

It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).

7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?

For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.

8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?

Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.

9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?

Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.

10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!

Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.

And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…


29 thoughts on “Enlightening Adam: The Vagina”

  1. Totally totally brilliant. Well done rebuttal Michelle and you even quoted a Canadian (and the building I work in is named after him so we obviously have a close relationship).

  2. I find the teddy bear most disturbing. How exactly is it marketed? It has an NFL team-logo on its heel, but it looks like it is intended for zoophiliacs?????

  3. TwoPi, I think the bear might be marketed to Furries. I dated one many moons ago. Strange batch them people, but I try not to judge.

    Michelle M., love the purple fringe around the artwork vagina (I admittedly don’t have a terrible amount of experience with vaginas, but if they came with a purple fringe, I bet I’d be more interested!) and Oprah’s wearing purple too so it’s all a-

    Wha, huh? The Puntabuschlong is a myth??!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh God, no! oh the humanity! Can I ask Santa Claus to bring me a Puntabuschlong for Christmas? Wait..what’s that about Santa…..

    I need to go lie the fetal position for a lil bit….


  4. I really truly hope that Oprah follows our blog. Wouldn’t you just love to see her reaction to her yelling queef all the time? Especially after she was in the crap pack with rainbow poo

  5. “The explanatory text was followed by a lot of drawings on the human reproductive system that my brain refused to memorized. (To this day, all I know is there are between two and four openings down there and that the setup inside looks vaguely like the Texas Longhorns logo.)” – Tina Fery on the pamphlet her mom gave her to learn about her period in her memoir Bossypants

  6. This post also reminds me of a real life tale I was told. A few years ago I met the daughter the Director of grad student housing at Columbia. She told me that a Japanese student was placed with two militant feminists on campus. The two labia-loving ladies decided that to be fully empowered they needed to turn the entry from the main door to the rest of the apartment into a giant vagina. They decorated it with fabric creating all the various folds and even the clitoris. To top it all off they put curly, wiry, black threads to represent the pubic hair. The Japanese student requested a transfer stating “I don’t mind the vagina, but the hairs just keep falling off and getting in my room.” I’ve had the same problem.

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