Oh crap! It’s Friday. I guess that means we are due for the five things that make the world absolutely awesome. What is there to talk about this week? Some nutjob got away with murdering her daughter and Adam got older. So basically just a normal week in our world. But I did fine five things to make your week brighter. What are they, Mikey? Just you wait!
First up this week is our favorite ginger. No, not Adam: Conan. Ever since NBC messed up and fired him for that guy with the really big chin who isn’t funny, Conan has thrived. He has a movie and his own show on TBS. Sure TBS is not a major network, but in five years the “broadcast” networks are going to be replaced by cyborgs named Al so it doesn’t really matter. Back to our firebushed friend. He is so famous that he is now being caricatured as a dolphin. He has made it!
If you weren’t madly in lovely with America before seeing Conan as a dolphin, you will be when you see how residents of a formerly Communist country treat their national monuments. If you grew up in a world where your very needs were denied and you weren’t encouraged to embrace your individuality. Now they take their statues and make them into comic book characters.
After you take a trip to Bulgaria, you should come back and visit our friend Patton Oswalt. One day Patton was crabwalkin’ down the street and he was caught on camera. Then some other dude kicked him in the nuts. The result is a hilarious video of Patton Oswalt getting kicked in the nuts.
Speaking of a kick to the nuts, Vanity Fair had Justin Bieber on the cover in February. No one wanted to read it. Why? Because he is not classy. At all. That is why they had their lowest sales in 12 years. So our number four this week is the readers of that particular magazine who refused to buy it. They exercised their sanity.
And finally something we all care about: penis. Could the length of your fingers tell us how long your johnson is? According to recent studies, if the ratio of your index finger to your ring finger on your right hand is lower, you are more likely to have a giant member. Don’t believe me? Check out the story.
So there they are, dear readers: Conan Dolphin, Bulgarian Graffiti, Patton Oswalt’s flattened nuts, Biebs sinks, and member detector. Runners-up this week are Adam’s never ending birthday, veiled references to old tv shows, baby killers that get away with it, chocolate, Sunsweet dried mangoes, wireless Internet, sex and hardcore gay pornography.