C&R Fight Club: REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN vs. MR. SOMBRERO!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…


REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN

AKA: Minuteman
Date of Birth:
July 4th, 1950
Place of Birth: Texas
Hair Color: gray
Current Residence: Texas
Relationship Status: married to an American woman
Occupation: Full-Time Minuteman
Height & Weight: 5’10”, 230lbs
Hobbies: shooting Mexicans, getting illegals deported, building fences
Favorite Colors: red, white and blue: the colors of the Confederate Flag!
Political Affiliation: Conservative Tea Party
Favorite Music: Toby Keith, Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill
Utility Belt Contents: Gun, ammunition and a copy of the Constitution
Favorite Pastime: Looking for evidence that Barack Hussein Obama wasn’t born in the United States

The Minuteman Project is an activist organization started in April 2005 by a group of private individuals in the United States to monitor the United States–Mexico border’s flow of illegal immigrants. The name derives from the Minutemen, militiamen who fought in the American Revolution. The Minuteman Project describes itself as “a citizens’ Neighborhood Watch on our border”, and has attracted media attention to illegal immigration.  Today’s competitor is proud member of the Minutemen.  His secret weapons include: racism, a firm belief that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, a steadfast anti-healthcare reform position, a nearly endless supply of guns and ammunition (and if you don’t like it, please read the 2nd amendment to Constitution) and a direct line to Sarah Palin’s presidential campaign office.


MR. SOMBRERO

AKA: El Mostacho Loco
Date of Birth: On a sunny day a long time ago
Place of Birth: Mexico
Hair Color: shaved on top, black stash stash under the nose
Current Residence: New Jersey
Relationship Status: dating Adam
Occupation: who needs a job with a sombrero like this?
Height & Weight: 5’11”, the stash alone weighs 20lbs
Hobbies: jumping fences, hitting piñatas, spending time with his trusty burro
Favorite Color: red, white and green: the colors of the Mexican flag.
Political Affiliation: Liberal
Favorite Music: anything by Ricky Martin
Utility Belt Contents: tacos, maracas, mariachi guitar
Favorite Pastime: salsa dancing

Mr. Sombrero hails from the great country of Mexico.  Legend has it that he was born long ago on a particularly sunny day, when he shot out of his mother’s vagina as fast as Speedy Gonzales.  Opinions on the subject differ, but many say that he was born with fully grown black mustache.  He has always been known as a kind an gentle man, and is know for single-handedly building the Mayan pyramids, hiding gold from the Spaniards, winning the battle of the Alamo, winning the Mexican-American War, winning the Mexican Revolution.  He currently owns the Taco Bell restaurant chain.  His secret weapons include razor-edged throwing sombreros, the ability to stricken anyone with Montezuma’s revenge, border fence high jumps, powerful kicks from his trusty burro, and an enormous penis.


Who will win in the battle of  REDNECK vs. MEXICAN?  Will the Redneck Border Patrolman defeat Mr. Sombrero with his massive arsenal? Or will Mr. Sombrero give him a case of Montezuma’s revenge unlike the world has ever seen?  There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want.That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!

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18 thoughts on “C&R Fight Club: REDNECK BORDER PATROLMAN vs. MR. SOMBRERO!”

  1. Hmm. Could that last phrase in Mr. Sombrero’s description be just a tad TMI? Although Adam has seemed inordinately happy since they’ve started dating. So I suppose ….

    Any man with a burro is tops in my books. Go Mr. S.

    1. Oh god, burro, top, my books. I SWEAR to god, I have never written that. Hmmm. Burro shifter? Were-burro? Uh oh. Plot bunny has just been hatched.

      1. Shoot. This post is just because I forgot to click the e-mail me comments buttons since my work doesn’t allow either kittens or smiles on our system anymore.

  2. “who needs a job with a sombrero like this?” Hey, anyone that can say that sentence has got my vote. And while ‘an enormous penis’ may be a weapon, it ain’t secret anymore! 🙂

    HUGS…

    1. You lost to a third-rate Shakespearean actor from Canada playing the role of a dough-boy ship’s captain from Iowa. I still don’t understand how. But Kirk, a redneck? I hardly think so.

    2. Kirk’s not a redneck Craiggers! If he were, Uhura would have been working in the galley and Sulu in the laundry, not on the bridge, Chekov woulda been shot on sight for being a Communist, there would have been a double barrel shot gun strapped to the back of the captain’s chair, he would have had a old tickhound not a Captain’s Yeoman, he would have worn overalls over his gold shirt, Scotty would be running a moonshine still instead of dilithium chambers in Engineering, and the would have been a Confederate flag attached to the port nacelle of the Enterprise to trail along behind it.

      HUGS…

      1. You’re quoting the movie? really? Well all I can say to that is Chris Pine in tight grey boxebriefs would give you a run for your money in my mind, Craiggers. 😀

        HUGS…

  3. The redneck doesn’t stand a chance, especially with Mr. Sombrero’s pinata skills and killer burro. Plus, he has Adam to protect him. I’ve heard that gingers have quite the temper.

  4. Ay, ay, ay!!! This is so exciting!
    I despise the Minuteman – I will kick his ass with my enormous penis.

    I love that picture of me wearing my grande sombrero and my favorite vest. I wore that exact outfit to my first date with Adam. It was amor at first sight. I fell in love with his freckles, and he fell in love with my stache and my awesome…vest.

    My burro and I thank you for voting for us!

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