A long time ago on a planet known as the Earth people learned that one of the princes of a nation called the United Kingdom was going to marry his long time girlfriend and people got very excited. The last time anyone got this excited about a royal wedding was thirty years ago when that prince’s mother married that prince’s father. We have since learned that fairytale weddings can end in acrimony and that the media zoo surrounding them can grandly distort the realities of the lives the people living in that fairytale. All of that leads me to say “STFU about this royal wedding!!!!”
I’m exhausted from this wedding and it hasn’t even happened. I’m not even going to it and I feel like I already know too much. Do we really need the New York Times reporting on the minutia of Kate and William’s plans? I thought we could leave that up to the tabloids! Does anyone really care where each member of the wedding party is going to be staying the night before the ceremony? And if they do, I would like to know why? Does knowing this make you feel something that I don’t? What else do you need to know to feel that way? Do you need to know whether Kate will be wearing lacy pink panties or that William prefers boxer briefs with his johnson tucked to the side? It is just all too much and the frenzy is starting to disgust me. These are two very privileged people, arguably some of the most privileged people in the world, and people are foaming at the mouth to learn the details of an orgy of excess.
I was about to write that I was glad it was all going to be over in a matter of days, but in reality it is not. We still have to deal with the recap and replay of the festivities wherein every players outfit, demeanor and role are critiqued from every angle. I bet it’s enough to make Prince Charles wish he could really turn into a tampon and hide away from the world. What’s worse is that once the nuptials are sealed, the media will be on high baby bump alert. And when the prince and princess achieve their orgasmic trophy of a baby we will be forced to hear all about the details of the events leading up to the birth. AAARRGHHH!!!!
This is not a rant that has just burst forth from me, but one that has been building and roiling to a feverish pitch for days now. I don’t even expect to attain much satisfaction by spewing it, but it might help to know that I’m not the only person thinking this is all overkill. I was barely conscious at the last fiasco so I do not know how this compares, but I can’t help but feel that this wedding’s fervor is less sane than than its elder counterpart. Please tell me I’m wrong.