C&R Fight Club: CRAIG vs. KIRK!

Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…

James Tiberius Kirk

Also Known As: Jim
Species: Human
Date of Birth: March 22, 2233
Place of Birth: Riverside, Iowa, Earth
Residence: Space, the final frontier
Rank: Star Fleet Captain, Admiral
Posting: Commanding officer, USS Enterprise & USS Enterprise-A
Hairline: Always receding
Weight: Always increasing

Arguably the most famous of the Starfleet Captains, the character of James T. Kirk first appeared in the original series of Star Trek, and later in films, books, comics and video games.  Kirk is known as an accomplished brawler and a ladies’ man.  He has been portrayed primarily by William Shatner and more recently by Chris Pine.  Kirk’s renown began by becoming the youngest captain in Starfleet to date at 34 and the first captain to bring his starship back relatively intact after a five-year mission, having also gained a reputation as an independent whose success couldn’t be argued even though he often bucked the system. He also has the distinction of being involved in 17 different temporal violations, a career record which still stands.

Craig Andrew M.

Alias: Bonkers, Craiggers
Species: Homo Superior
Date of Birth: November 8, 1981
Age: 29
Place of Birth: “His Mom”
Residence: East Islip, NY
Relationship Status: In a relationship with Natalie Portman, “his wife”
Occupation: Butch Construction Worker, Puntabulous.com Blogger
Weight: “Skinnier than you”

Arguably the most famous blogger on the Internet, Craig M. takes his fame in stride.  His blog, Puntabulous.com boasts a loyal band of readers, informally known as “Puntabupeeps” and “dancing monkeys.”  A self-proclaimed geek, Craig splits his time between blogging, writing (unpublished) novels, reading Star Wars novelizations, watching way too much television, and his true passion: intensely watching lots and lots of Internet pornography.  Craig looks forward to soon moving out of his parent’s house with “his wife” Natalie Portman (a cardboard cutout). We’ve never seen any evidence that Craig can handle himself in a fight, but after intense mathematical calculations, we at Cocky & Rude are predicting a 87% probability that he’ll just run away.

Picture in your mind a battle of these two worthy opponents. Both enter the ring, but only one will leave. Will Craig defeat Captain Kirk by bashing him over the head with his mythical puntabuschlong? Or perhaps Captain Kirk will whip out a phaser and blast the puntabuschlong right off? That’s for you to decide. Who will win in this battle of Captain versus Craig? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!

We’ll let you know which fighter wins this round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club on Sunday at noon!


17 thoughts on “C&R Fight Club: CRAIG vs. KIRK!”

  1. Also, Craig has seduced an Ent. That’s way more badass than seducing a person with a verdant pigment disorder.

  2. I had to vote for Craig of course because I think it’s in the monkey contract. I think Craig is sneaky as well and watching all that TV and reading sci-fi has probably armed him with some pretty snazzy gadgets and moves.

  3. So many factors to consider…

    Well, Craig has claimed he’s a black belt, but (as noted) we have zero proof of his martial arts prowess. He looks a little too lanky to throw an effective tornado kick. I imagine his kata would soon devolve into a slap fight.

    There’s also the question of which Kirk. If we’re talking young Shatner in his prime, I think Craig’s still got the advantage with his height. But if we’re talking Pine, he was only to expose his mighty pecs to make Craig dissolve into a puddle of jelly, whereby Pine then pummels Craig into submission. I feel Craig wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He might enjoy it a little too much.

  4. God, this is just like last time: Logic tells me Kirk’s gonna win. But my heart (and my lust) tells me Craiggers will. I guess I’ll just have to vote once for each guy. Yes, today I AM Captain Decisive today!


  5. I envision Kirk distracting Craig, probably using something akin to the Fizzbin gambit, so that JTK can sneak off and have his way with Cardboard Natalie Portman. The horror of JTK’s actions will cause CNP to spontaneously become corporeal, and kill Kirk’s groady a$$. Craig wins by proxy.

    Does Natalie return to her two-dimensional life, or does she demand a more meaningful relationship as Craig’s “wife”?

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