By the time you are reading this, the Oscars will be over. And if they are not, we will all be counting the minutes until they are. This is by far the saddest day of year, because it means the longest period of time before the next Oscars and since the Oscars are my absolute favorite awards show, I’m going to be in a funk…unless we get into an amazing conversation about what did happen! With that in mind and knowing that I have absolutely no clue what actually happened at the show as I am writing this, I’m going to share some of my wildly fantastical guesses as to what will (or I guess did) happen on the stage.
1. James Franco & Anne Hathaway
James Franco was gorgeous and Anne Hathaway was elegant and multi-outfitted. But the report doesn’t end there. They were so nervous about their hosting gig, that they did shots of that mixture Rachel Berry served on Glee. After getting dutifully sloshed, they staggered about the stage and ended up making out with each other on a lark. James Franco also declared his undying love for that Adam who blogs Cocky & Rude. Anne Hathaway felt snubbed so she sat at the end of the stage and pouted.
Celebrities love to take their moment in front of the camera to plug their current political cause or philanthropic mission. This year’s telecast was no different, but they were particularly awkward. Jeff Bridges’ declaration of death to all the tasty animals was simultaneously hilarious and off-putting. It also made Susan Sarandon’s pledge to get an abortion on live tv to protest decreased funding for Planned Parenthood seem a bit less creepy. However, Jack Nicholson’s offer to knock her up was quite crude.
3. The Outfits
Everyone always writes about what the ladies wore and how could you not. Some of those garments were pretty scandalous. But I want to write about what the men wore. I particularly found the standard black tuxedo that 99.9% of the dudes wore to be very boring. Get it together men! Next year I want to see at least one of you dressed by Lady Gaga, which will probably mean a suit of semi-inflated condoms splattered with calf’s blood.
4. The Musical Performances
Normally I’m grateful for my mute button during the song performances, but this year I was surprised. Gwyneth Paltrow’s plan to dominate every form of media continued with her performance of that song from that country music movie no one saw. It was delightful to watch. The real shocker occurred when perennial nominee Randy Newman performed his songs from Toy Story 3. I’m sure the Pixar producers were shocked to see the 67 year old man do a striptease to “We Belong Together.” Helen Mirren, however, seemed to be very into it.
Now that you know what I thought was going to happen as well as what really happened, tell me which you think you would enjoy more? Sure I love watching the Oscars, but I think they need to get a bit more wild. Let them blame on the alcohol.