EXCLUSIVE: The Truth Behind Michelle’s Mugshot

Although Craig and I have occasionally been referred to as ‘rivals’, we are pretty good friends.  And every once and awhile, we trade ideas for blog posts.  When Dave S. resurfaced, I suggested that Craig interview him to find out where he had been for so many months.  When that idea imploded, I posed another interview question: “What’s the deal with Michelle M.’s mugshot?”  Craig countered with a better idea.  Instead of just asking Michelle, he decided instead to ask everyone else.  They’d come up with their ideas, he’d illustrate them, and it’d turn out to be a fantastic blog post.

But there’s one problem with that idea: Craig is lazy! He hasn’t taught himself the latest version of MS Paint, so he can’t really even draw the theories.  He also has also given up blogging lately as he plays with his new Tumblr site.  Flash forward a few weeks of my pestering, and I finally offered to just write the blog post myself.  Craig graciously accepted, forwarded me all of your theories, and the rest is history…

Why Was Michelle M. Arrested As A Child?

Chris D.’s Theory:

Michelle M. was arrested for accidentally stealing Wonder Woman’s invisible jet.  If one should accidentally stumble into an invisible jet, it is hard to get out of it.  All you have to do is bump the wrong darned invisible button, and the damn thing takes off and flies you to Wonder Woman’s home base. Then Wonder Woman is left to cab it back in costume. While waiting for a cab, Wonder Woman gets some “interesting” offers from sketchy looking lonely men, and eventually a dirty look from the cab driver.  She is so pissed off that she has wee Michelle arrested. (Chris D. blogs at Perspectologist)

Jere’s Theory:

Well, she obviously murdered a man just to watch him die. But I believe that she was arrested because authorities found truly shocking amounts of smut on her computer. I’m talking ridiculously excessive, even by California standards. Not like kiddie porn or anything, but a whole lot of disturbing and probably unsanitary images. There was a whole section devoted to back hair (divided into “slight” “beastly” and “braided”) and another titled “how I saw the pool party” that we can’t even describe in print. The most disturbing thing of all, though, was that every single picture had been digitally altered to replace the faces of the original subject with the cut-out heads of some random blogging nerds. (Jere blogs at Blind Prophecy)

Paul’s Theory:

Michelle McKee was born Magdalena Fuentes in Tijuana, Mexico.  She was arrested along with an accomplice (see photo below) stealing lip gloss and tequila from a liquor store.  Because she cooperated with investigators (and because she didn’t look Mexican) she was cleared of all charges and granted full citizenship.  Her accomplice was sentenced to a lifetime of wandering the world carrying a backpack full of useless crap. (Paul blogs at Where The Parkway Ends)

Ryan’s Theory:

It was for taking a joy ride on the USS Midway. Authorities are still not sure how she managed to get the museum’s engines to work again.

Polt’s Theory:

Obviously, Michelle M. was arrested for being overly cute and excessively precocious! (Polt blogs at Polt’s Palace)

 

Mush’s Theory:

That kid was never any good. Getting processed at such a tender age did nothing to deter her; after the invention of Photoshop she was unstoppable. They used to call it graffiti. Now they call it humor. (Mush blogs at Goblinbox)

 

Tam’s Theory:

After extensively stalking Michelle’s family members on Facebook (especially her in-laws), following her non-existent Twitter feed and blog, and sending out my own special spy who happens to live Michelle’s area to canvas the neighbors, I believe I have finally unveiled the truth behind Michelle’s arrest during her dark and troubled childhood. As a child Michelle developed a love for beans. Kidney beans, wieners and beans, bean chili, bean soup and bean salad all left Michelle warm, content and full. However, as with many bean-lovers, there were side-effects. At school Michelle would try desperately to hold it in until she get to the playground at recess, but she could not help but let a little toot go from time to time in the class. The complaints of her classmates led to several reprimands from the teacher and this was followed by a visit to the principal. Michelle’s parents were called in and the school laid it on the line, Michelle had to quit the beans or face expulsion and several children had fallen ill following her last foray into bean heaven and the resulting gaseous explosions of an unnatural strength. However despite her parents’ best efforts to eliminate beans from their diet, Michelle managed to steal a case of pork and beans and before school ate the entire case. During math, Michelle let it rip and the smell caused three children to vomit, two had their eyes begin to water and the teacher to wretch. It was the last straw; after all of the warning, the school thought perhaps the police would be the answer. They called the police to promptly arrest Michelle for causing a public disturbance. The school was closed for the remainder of the week while it was aired and it was necessary for the police to drive back to the station with the windows down on the police car. Michelle did finally learn her lesson and no further police intervention was necessary. (Tam blogs at Tam’s Reads)

 

John’s Theory:

Michelle tried to use her adorable little smile and pig tails to begin her plot to rid the world of cheese.  Michelle developed her hate of the wonderful dairy product early on in her life.  Since Photoshop wasn’t around for Michelle to appropriately channel her rage, she turned to a life of crime.  Michelle, having just watched the Superfriends, tried to follow Lex Luthor’s lead and planned to kill all the grass in La Mesa CA.  Her logic: destroy the grass, cows can’t eat.  No cows =  no cheese.  The only flaw in her plan?  Michelle didn’t realize that La Mesa is in CA, not Wisconsin.  After serving time, and working with a court appointed psychiatrist, Michelle focused her considerable talent and intelligence in more artistic endeavors and to emulate Wonder Woman rather than Lex Luthor.

 

Craig’s Theory:

Michelle M. was arrested for burning a Wonder Woman training bra at a peace rally.  Charges were dropped when it was discovered that the bra belonged to the police officer. (Craig used to blog at Puntabulous)

 

Mikey’s Theory:

As a child, Michelle was the head of an international drug and gun cartel that was owned and operated out of the San Diego suburb of La Jolla.  Michelle was known as La Niña Brutal to the criminal community who feared her wrath.  Known for having killed ten men twice her size and three times her age, she alluded capture by the FBI for over years.  Once captured, prosecutors attempted to try her as an adult, but numerous child psychologists testified that she was being manipulated by the adults around her and therefore should be tried as a child.  She spent five years in a juvenile detention facility and had her record stricken once she turned 18.

 

And Here’s My Theory:

Which theory is your favorite?  And which one is most likely to be true?
Let’s come to terms with the truth, in the comments.

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22 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: The Truth Behind Michelle’s Mugshot”

  1. I was in La Mesa for 10 minutes while looking for an out-of-print cookbook for a Christmas present, so my theory wins. I do love the creativity that everyone put into their theories.

  2. My GOD, the creativity! Mine was pathetically uninspired compared to everyone else’s! Good job guys!

    I too love Michelle M.! But then who doesn’t? Other than the cop whose WW training bra she burned, I suppose.

    HUGS…

  3. Most people don’t realize that Michelle is part of a cult whose goal is to bring about the Biebocalypse. Her graffiti was actually a work of sacred art depicting the events foretold in the Justin Prophecies.

  4. I think that Craig’s new name is going to be Tom Sawyer for making Adam do all his work for him.

    I love how well Michelle’s expression works for all of Adam’s drawings. She looks equally well saying “Don’t judge me!” as she does saying “Stay on my good side or I will fuck you up.”

  5. I just rolled out of bed. Don’t judge.

    These are FANTASTIC! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

    Chris D. – Sorry, but no. I would never steal WW’s jet. I would totally stowaway on it and go along on her adventures, though!

    Jere – nope – but good idea on what to do with all those pool party pix. And killing a man just to watch him die sounds like something I would do…

    Paul – Mexican… maybe that’s why I freak out when people pronounce jalapeño wrong. Trade tequila for vodka and you might have something. But no.

    Ryan – No. I peaked at an early age, so it’s possible I might have been able to Macgyver those engines. I am wearing a nifty ring I fashioned out of electrical wire in my mugshot.

    Polt – For some reason, I like your theory the best… And if I had used that word my mouth would have been washed out with soap (zest – yuck).

    Mush – Coloring/painting was one of my favorite activities at that age, but no. I wish I had been able to predict the rise of Microsoft or predict the Kentucky Derby winner at that age (instead of foreseeing the rise of the Bieber).

  6. @Michelle & @Paul … It actually WAS “vodka” but I changed it … because I used a tequila bottle and was too tired to go back and fix the art. OOops … I hoped that no one would notice! Busted!

  7. Could one stow away on WW’s invisible jet? I mean, when she’s flying it, you can clearly see her. So if someone’s stowing away on it, wouldn’t they be visible too?

    HUGS…

  8. Part 2

    Tam – NO! That’s gross! If I should have to let off some steam, it smells like flowers. Or a soft falling rain. Or apples and cinnamon. And it wouldn’t be green, it would sparkle like pixie dust. But Bean with Bacon soup is my favorite and as a latch key kid, I practically grew up on it. I always have 3 – 4 cans in the cupboard. I also LOVE lima beans.

    john – nope. But a trip to the dairy in kindergarten is what turned me off to milk and milk products. I do eat ice cream and butter now, though. DOWN WITH CHEESE!

    Craig – Burning Wonder Woman anything should be a crime, but no. And when are you going to start blogging again?

    Mikey – No. I was actually a good girl. But I love badass me! And next time you’re in California tell me ahead of time, so I can drive up and meet you for a drink. Sheesh.

    Adam – no. But except for killing a teacher, that actually happened. My friend and I thought it would be fun to hide on the playground and not go back to class. We didn’t think ahead to the part where we would get in trouble, though.

    In all, Polt is the winner. The picture was taken on a field trip to the police station. The policeman giving the tour thought I was cute (or he saw I was headed for a life of crime) and picked me to show the class how they took mugshots. I was fingerprinted, too.

    Thanks for doing this everyone. It made my day!

  9. Michelle was arrested for being my favorite person in the world. I hired da copz to arrest her so she would only be able to spend time with me!!!!!!!

  10. Adam, great job visually interpreting our stories! I enjoyed all the stories. We are glad to have you with us Michelle! Good thing they let you out of jail. 😉

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