Craig’s wife really gets around. Over the summer you might recall the many suitors she had at the pool party. Some of them were even so lewd as to grab her breasts and wag their tongues suggestively in her direction. She remained unabashed for she knew that she was a superstar and that with fame comes the obligation to let gay men touch your goodies. Natalie also knew that she would soon be known as the most beautiful and delicate woman in all the world. For Natalie had just finished filming Black Swan.
Natalie’s daring performance in this eagerly anticipated film has become an inspiration to many. She is said to have ignited a renewed interest in the ballet look in fashion (and some of us scratch our heads and say “when did the dangerously-thin-wearing-next-to-nothing look go out of fashion?”). Mrs. McAnally, née Portman, was even paid homage on 30 Rock as part of a couples outfit for Jenna’s New Queers Eve party.
Yet these are mere trifles compared to Natalie’s full wingspan. Her real impact will be in the world of cosmetics. Young women and drag queens of all ages are dashing through their local Sephora and elbowing their fellow shoppers out of the way to grab that last tube of dark, feathery mascara. They all will want to be like her even if they have to kill themselves to get there. Do you think I’m joking? Well I most certainly am not. Just yesterday I found a woman on youtube who is obsessed with becoming just like Natalie and she is prepared to instruct all of you how to get there.
Let’s recap what we have learned:
0:27 “The whiter your skin, the more perfect you are. The darker the skin the more trashy, disgusting and slave like you are going to look.”
0:56 She has to take ecstasy for some reason. I can’t make it out, but it is awesome.
1:03 “Take out the liner and draw the freakin’ feathers on your face. What else are you gonna do?”
1:14 “Jacking off Tom & Jerry.” OMG…bad nightmares tonight.
1:28 “…and then maybe masturbate with my mom sleeping in the corner of my room.” Do you think Natalie does that too?
1:43 “Have you ever seen a dancer with this body?” No…but I must see more.
2:06 “There is nothing a girl likes more than a guy with silver pubes.” This explains that whole Clinton/Lewinsky thing.
2:30 “I’m obviously not a virgin, but I like to often pretend that I am.” This is an adage for our modern age.
2:48 “He’ll maybe stick a finger in or something.” Ummmmm….
3:16 “Why can’t I be perfect like Natalie Portman?” I wonder the same thing every day I’m alive. Mainly because she gets to sleep with Craig.
I don’t think you need to have seen Black Swan to understand the hilarious amazingness that this video encapsulates. What have you obsessed over lately? Can you tell that I have been obsessed with Black Swan?