That Whole "TSA Pat-Down" Problem

It’s come to my attention that a lot of people are upset about the new TSA pat-down and body scanning at United States airports.  Seriously, people.  There are better things to worry about.  Just follow these simple guidelines and we’ll all get through it together.

Enjoy It.
Instead of worrying about people seeing your naked x-ray image during a body scan, welcome it!  You should be glad that anyone wants to see your disgusting body without clothing.  Look at the current US obesity statistics.  The odds are pretty good that you’re a fat, gross mess.  So just stand there and enjoy it!  Better yet, jiggle around a little.  Give ’em a show!

Be Happy That Anyone Wants To Touch You.
Worried about a creepy TSA agent touching your penis or sticking his hand inside your vajayjay?  Welcome it!  You should be glad that anyone wants to touch you … especially in the area that your bathing suit covers.  Think about it: when was the last time that anyone wanted to touch you there?  It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?  Just stand back and enjoy those wandering hands.  When you get home from your trip, put another notch in that bedpost of yours.  You deserve it.

But Don’t Enjoy It Too Much.
There’s a fine line between enjoying it, and enjoying it too much.  A gentleman by the name of Percy Cummings was recently arrested in San Francisco after ejaculating during a TSA pat-down, and is now being held without bail.

According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan.  As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.  Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused.  Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings.  The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.  Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed. (from

I usually try to follow this simple rule:  When you’re spending time with a new friend and he’s not as aroused as you are, then it’s probably not a good idea to ejaculate on him.  Especially if your last name is “Cummings” (I’m talking to you, Alan!) and you have piercings all over your dick.

And Don’t Complain!
Whining and complaining will just result in delays and harassment.  Don’t complain when the TSA agent wants to x-ray your breast milk!  A little radiation never hurt anyone, right?  If the TSA agents want to strip search your children, just let them!  There’s nothing wrong with the agent running his moist, loving hands all over your child.  It’s natural.  And if you have amazing tits and the male TSA agent wants to grope you, just get over it!  It’s your own fault that your boobs are awesome.  You should wake up every morning and expect to be groped.

Following my simple steps will ensure that your trip through the airport is quick, painless, and surprisingly pleasurable. And if you’re still having nightmares in a few weeks, then just find a support group or something. Jeez, I’m so sick of your damn complaining!–SjpxYw7Kc5R6ff_y1qw


6 thoughts on “That Whole "TSA Pat-Down" Problem”

  1. Well, I will have my run-in with the TSA in Chicago Tuesday. I hope it goes well, i.e. I get something post-worthy out of the whole incident. Maybe I should, um, make sure I take care of business before I get there just in case I get over excited. I really need to be back home that night and can’t afford to be arrested.

    When we left SF in early Nov. it was normal, not sure these extra measures hadn’t come in yet or SF is not doing them, but it was the usual walk through the metal detector, no beeping, bye-bye.

  2. I’ve actually started commuting to work by airplane so I can enjoy the patdowns everyday! My two hour commute by train has turned into a 20 minute commute (plus 2 additional hours each way to get through airport security) by plane! It’s well worth it!

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