American Idol’s Katelyn Epperly may have started the trend … but I’ve kept it going.
Of course you remember our post back on February 22nd, 2010, where I mentioned her photoshopped-away right arm. You know what I’m talking about. Katelyn unknowningly began a trend of arm-removal that would reach far and wide in the Cocky & Rude galaxy.
In mid-June, Jonathan Metz of Connecticut attempted to remove his own arm after getting it lodged behind his furnace. The Today Show gave Armless Jonathan a lot of press. At one point, Matt Lauer even cinched up his pants and took a trip to Connecticut to examine Armless Jonathan’s wood.
A week later, I was forced to make the same choice. After getting my arm stuck in a jetty at the Jersey shore, I just lopped it off and continued on my way. Surprisingly, Matt Lauer didn’t give a shit.
A few weeks after that, I was forced to make the same choice, again! After getting my arm stuck while hiking with Mikey, I once again removed my own arm. Again, the Today Show wasn’t interested in my story. Not even Kathie Lee & Hoda were interested in interviewing me during the fourth hour.
And just this last weekend, while hiking at Hawk Mountain Sanctuary in Kempton, PA, it happened again. Arm? Stuck and chopped off. Again!
Where was the Today Show this time? Where was Matt Lauer? Nowhere to be found. I was beginning to take the snub personally. Clearly it was a case of homophobia, gingerphobia, or some combination of the two.
But fuck them!!! …cuz I just got a call from Michelle, my high-priced Hollywood agent. They’re turning my story into a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE! AND, my doppelganger, James Franco, will be playing me! Perfect casting, because we have SO much in common! Sure they’re changing the location and making my character hetero … but who gives a shit?! I’m gonna be so rich!
Don’t even bother lining up with your hands out. Cuz I ain’t even share’n a penny with you people. I’m gunna be so rich that I can buy all new friends!!!