Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: The End

The time has come to end our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. The wait is over! You will finally learn who has lost their way to the top (or gained there way to the top, Enrico’s reverse competition really throws our puns for a loop).  So which of our lovely contestants will walk away with the grand prize? Let’s see!

Viva la water-logged ankle!

LAST PLACE & RUDEST LOSER: Michelle #2 (-5.30%)
I’m the most average person in the world. I’m of average height, average weight, and average intelligence. My name starts with an M, so whether they start roll call at the beginning or the end of the alphabet, I’m still in the middle. While I never win contests, I never lose them either. Being in last place is an accomplishment for me; it means I’m not in the center of the curve! Also, they weighed me at my doctor’s appointment today. I’m down to seven pounds above my starting point. Just sayin’.

LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!!

SEVENTH PLACE: Michelle #1 (-0.89%)
Mikey: So Michelle, how did you do in the BCRL challenge?
Michelle: After all is said and done, I ended up gaining only one pound (crams french fries in mouth).
Adam: Geez. Wasn’t the point of the contest to LOSE weight?
Michelle: LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING! Anyway, Adam did better because he only eats twigs and seeds. So, I graciously concede defeat. And will console myself with a brownie. Or two.

Some things never change...

FIFTH PLACE TIE: Polt (0.00%)
So I’m in fifth place. I’m gonna assume that’s not last place, so that’s one good thing. I ended up exactly where I started, so I suppose everything balanced out in the end, right? I’d say congrats to those who finished before me but 1) I don’t know who they are and 2) I’m not a gracious loser. And since I didn’t end up losing any weight at all, apparently I’m not any kind of loser. And as for a final indignity, I was tied in the contest with a cat. *SIGH* I need to now go eat something Mexican. Or Asti & peanuts. Or something purple.

A round little girl weighing in at 8lbs.

FIFTH PLACE TIE: Spring (0.00%)
Two months ago, unbeknownst to me, Adam signed me up for a weight-loss competition.  Then last week, I’m checking out some hot male pussy on the net and somehow I stumbled upon this website.  How fucking rude to enter me in a weight loss competition and not even tell me.  Of course I didn’t lose any weight … I didn’t know I was supposed to lose weight!  How humiliating.  But don’t worry … Adam will bleed for this.  A lot.

Mikey gave up and became a hush puppy.

FOURTH PLACE: Mikey (0.93%)
As one of the organizers of this contest, I knew it was rigged from the beginning. Adam only allowed Spring to participate as a form of magical vegan, animal loving, slight of hand that distracted us from the true project. He made us feel that we were all doing well as long as we were doing better than the cat, when I don’t think he tried to starve that cat at all. I’m very upset.

Matt's victory meal!

THIRD PLACE: Matt (4.00%)
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I’m the 3rd biggest cock? Feels like I’m right back in the high school locker room. So does this mean that if the 1st and 2nd biggest cocks can’t perform, I’m the go-to cock? Again, just like the locker room. I want to thank all my fellow participants whose guilty admissions of eating baked goods, cheez-its, and chocolates allowed me to forgive myself for my own terrible habits. And a special shout-out to Spring, whose bitchy aloofness towards this whole contest fueled me with the fiery rage to keep on trying. I may not have gotten all of those 10 pounds off, but I came pretty close. A personal victory! Huzzah!

Adam is at peace with 2nd place.

SECOND PLACE: Adam (6.01%)
I’m happy.   Sure, I didn’t win first place.  Sure, I need to plunk down some cold hard cash to buy Enrico a prize (even after his mean joke…).  But I still lost a bunch of weight!  I still fit into almost all the clothes in my closet!  And I still beat almost all of you losers!  Yay!  Note to self: Don’t let a ‘gainer’ compete with the ‘losers’ if we ever decide to have another Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser contest…

"Look how fat I got!!"

FIRST PLACE & BIGGEST COCK: Enrico (-6.36%)
I won?!?! Oh wait, I’m not surprised. First of all, I’d like to thank the other competitors for being such slackers. Next, I’d like to thank my homegirls Betty Crocker and Sara Lee. Also, I’d like to thank Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry, Brand New and Damien Rice for making music that inspired me to lay in bed and cry rather than exercise. Finally I’d like to thank Michelle McKee. NOW WHERE IS MY PRIZE?!?!

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13 thoughts on “Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: The End”

  1. I can still outrun all of y’all now. Speaking of which, have any of ya made a donation for breast cancer research for the 5K I’m doing this weekend? Donate a measly $5 or $10 and you can click that button while saying. “Take that, Cancer!”

  2. Mel – where’s the link? And stop rubbing it in with how awesome you are. I totally blame you for my weight gain. Just reading about all your running made me want to give up, eat cookies and watch tv.

    Congratulations to those of you who actually lost weight. And to Enrico for gaining weight (and you’re welcome). And to Polt for coming out even. And to Michelle for quitting smoking – which is fantastic. The cat doesn’t count.

  3. Don’t brag too much Enrico, if we were in a weight gaining contest, I’d run circles around you…metaphorically speaking of course, since i don’t run. Unless it’s to the lunch table.

    I said it before, I’ll say it again, despite the results, I still think Michelle #2 is the real winner as she’s kicked smoking during the contest!

    Congrats to the winner.

    HUGS…

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