Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: The Penultimate Week!

The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Just like the current season of True Blood, our competition is approaching its one true death. Our contestants can’t wait for this contest to be over so they can go back to eating real food again. This week we have done something a little different. All of our contestants have submitted an update that reflects on the contest so far, and we’ve swapped the usual photos for graphs of their progress over the past 8 weeks!

If Adam loses any more weight, he'll turn probably just turn invisible.
Whose job was it to tell Spring that she was participating in a contest?

Adam: I feel really good about the contest so far.  I’ve used it as an excuse to start eating healthier, avoid unnecessary snacking, and to exercise more.  I started losing weight before the contest even began, and am now down about 15 pounds in the past 3 months.  I feel great, I feel better about my body, and I’m happier overall.  And if I look back to my heaviest adult weight, I’ve lost a total of 85 pounds — that’s gotta be nearly the total weight of Enrico, right?  Speaking of Enrico… even if I lose to him, I’ll still be happy with my place in the contest!

Spring: I was just informed that I’m in a weight-loss competition.  When did this start?  Why is Adam such an asshole that he never even told me?  How embarrassing that I haven’t even lost a pound.  I’d like to formally resign from the competition.  Oh?  I can’t?  Well then… meow, meow, meow.  How humiliating.

Mikey's weight chart has more curves in it than a curve store.
Michelle #1 may be a vampire ... check out those big fangs!

Mikey: I’ve had my ups and downs, but overall I’m pretty happy with the whole competition.  I weigh less today than I did yesterday… and last week! Woo to the Hoo! I spent my weekend making divine recipes from my latest issue of Cooking Light and getting lots of exercise. This proves that you can eat like a pig 4 days a week, eat healthy 3 days AND still lose weight! Yay! I love my pseudo-science!

Michelle #1: Duncan has nothing on me. After weeks of yo yo dieting, I managed to finish at my starting weight. What I did right: I ate a salad (once) and hula hooped (once) for 45 minutes. What I did wrong: Went on vacation, where I ate (and drank) waaaay too much. Thank goodness I came down with a cold/stomach bug on Friday. If I had one more week I would kick ass. “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” – Emily from The Devil Wears Prada

Who cares how much weight he gained or lost... Polt's line is purple!
Matt's steady weight loss looks even better with a ginger-orange line.

Polt: So, after what seems like 17,000 weeks of this contest, we’re winding down. What have I learned? I learned that I’m a shitty dieter, and that somehow I lose weight while on vacation when I’m eating and drinking way too much. I learned that diets of just tacos or just pasta or peanuts and Asti or constantly eating out do not in fact help you lose weight. I learned that to lose weight, I probably DO indeed have to eat the right stuff in the right proportion and get out and exercise. And those reasons are precisely why I’m probably stuck at the weight I am now until I die.

Matt: Looking back over the last few weeks of this weight loss competition, I definitely see areas where I have succeeded, and plenty of areas where I’ve failed miserably. My best success has been that I’ve actually used that gym membership more in the last few weeks than in the past 6 months. So this whole crazy experiment has made me cost-effective, if not more attractive. My biggest failure would be my eating habits. I’ve definitely been thinking of what I eat more, trying to make lighter meals. But I haven’t been counting calories, or really staying away from deliciously bad eats. Like French fries, and alcohol. Whoops!

Will the contest's biggest 'gainer' end up winning the whole thing?
Michelle #2's line is dropping, but we love that water-logged girl to bits!

Enrico: Being in BC&RL has been very important to me. By trying to gain weight, I’ve discovered so much about myself, and even more about delicious foods! While I’ve always loved Big Macs, I never knew how tasty a quarter-pounder with cheese could be! While Chips Ahoy cookies have always been a favorite of mine, I now love Oreos, Nutter Butters, Thin Mints, and various other types of unhealthy snacks. Being in this competition has also taught me that most people don’t really care about their weight. I don’t either… but I do care about winning! See you losers at the finish line!

Michelle #2: I’ve gained 11 pounds since August 4th. (That’s -7.28%, for you math geeks.) It’s some kind of water-retention-girl-hormone thing, it has to be, because I’m not eating five thousand calories a day and if I put my feet up for about ten minutes my ankles reappear. (This hideous condition happened to me once before, three years ago, and lasted almost two months. It may be related to quitting smoking, but I doubt it.) All I can report is that I feel giant and uncomfortable and I really, really don’t like it. Particularly since I felt okay until I got on the scale today, and now I’m all freaked out about being a disgusting water logged behemoth. Please excuse me now, I’m going to go cry for an hour. My diet and fitness regime is non-existent, but other than that binge the first week of my quit I’ve been acting normal: I cook at home the majority of the time, I eat lots of beans and legumes and vegetables, and my alcohol intake is slightly down due to the empty calories. This eleven pound horror is just God punishing me for that seal I clubbed.

Oh! Were you looking for our normal breakdown of who has the Biggest Cock this week? Well too bad! You’ll have to wait until our final post to see the results.  Make sure you check back in a week to see how far we have all gone!  In the meantime, do you think you know who was on top and bottom this week? [stop laughing at that!! Polt & Craig,  I’m talking to you!!]  And who do you think will win the whole contest?  Choose your Biggest Cocks and Rudest Losers in the comments!

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15 thoughts on “Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: The Penultimate Week!”

  1. Well, it’s looking like Adam or Enrico will be the biggest cock, but only because I didn’t officially sign on. Speaking of which, I went for a 6 mile run this evening, then came home and made a salad with mixed baby greens, avocado, fresh mozza, and my own maple-balsamic vinaigrette for dinner. With peach cobbler for dessert. In all today I downed about 400Cal more than my planned budget of 1700, but since I burned off close to an additional 800 on my run, I still came out ahead. Or behind. But definitely on top.

  2. Congratulations to those of you who did well. And to Michelle for quitting smoking.

    I’m considering this my practice run for my REAL diet. Which started today. Because I have to take a swimsuit photo. Because Polt is sadistic.

    Maybe I am a vampire. Because I SUCK at dieting.

    And I know the difference between loose (the Google ad below) and lose. So that makes me a winner in my own mind.

  3. Michelle 2 will lose her water weight and get her ankles back AND have clean lungs. Double bonus.

    Congrats Adam and Enrico and all of you really to be out there with your efforts. Can’t wait to see the final results. Now I think I’ll have some more toast. 😛 (I swear to god Michelle 2, I’ll go shopping tonight and buy a salad or something.)

  4. I totally WAS laughing right before you call me out on it!

    Adam, 85 lbs, that’s amazing! Too bad you didn’t start the contest months ago! Keep going!

    And Michelle, I siad it before I’ll say it again, by quitting smoking you are a winner, no matter where you end up in this contest.

    Now, back to my whole grain bagel with no cream cheese and organic water. I smell a surprise finish coming on!!!!

    HUGS….

  5. Oh i just reread this and saw for the first time, MY line is PURPLE! I don’t know HOW I missed that before!!! Oh, i TOTALLY win this week, cause I got the purple line! Neener, neener, neener!

    HUGS….

  6. Your basic bread is just flour, yeast, water & salt. And it’s only a brick if it’s not done right. It’s still best fresh out of the oven and slathered in butter, though.

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