Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 6

The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Really … who has a weight loss competition in the middle of summer when everyone is going on vacation?  Seriously, isn’t the point of vacation to stuff your face in exotic locations?  After Michelle #1 took some time off to enjoy the eastern (good) part of the country, Mikey is on vacation this week and Adam’s on his second vacation of the year next week!  Maybe lots of vacation food and boozing will tip the scales in favor of those who aren’t vacationing in the coming final weeks of our competition… or maybe not.  For now, let’s check in with all the fatties:

Mikey's vacation included a ball binge!

Adam's getting so skinny that he made this statue hard!

Adam: Over the weekend, my stomach decided to get angry and left me feeling kinda sick for a couple days.  As soon as I recovered, I was back to exercising and eating right!  In preparation for next week’s vacation, I avoided the grocery store this week — so I have hardly any food at all in my house.  Yay for starvation!

Spring: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *kick* zzzzzz

Forget Farmville, the new game is Pac Mikey Man!

Mikey: As you might already have guessed, I’m on vacation!  That means tons of yummy food and no scales!!!  I can’t weigh myself this week, but I can estimate my weight at 4,000 cheese balls, 7 bottles of wine, and a cup of Nutella.

Michelle #1: I thought about taking a walk around the lake this weekend and I ate a salad on Monday. I’m afraid to step on the scale, but judging by the way my jeans fit, put me down as 3 pounds over my starting weight. And please enjoy my re-imagining of Mikey’s cheesy ball binge.

Polt: So this week, I gained another pound, putting me at one pound above where I started. I don’t, I go on a weight loss plan, and gain weight. Maybe I should do as someone suggested to me and go on a weight GAIN plan, then I might lose?

Matt. used "illness" as an excuse to purge his guts out.

Matt: After a week of puking what seemed like half my body weight, I managed to lose a few pounds. My jeans fit a little better for sure. The only downside is that everyone tells me I look pale and sickly. Well, as long as my ass looks alive and well.

When did a leaf grow on Enrico?

Enrico: After a disappointing weigh-in last week, I’ve found the solution for weight gain: depression. As one of the many young adults about to enter my senior year of college, worrying about grad school/the GRE/graduation has turned me into a depressed creature. When I get home from work, I sit in bed, eat ice cream, listen to Damien Rice, and cry. All this moping around is great for my diet–I’m back to a respectable weight!

Michelle #2: Shit. I gained a pound.

And without further ado, here are the results
for the 6th week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser:

Contestant % Lost Place
Enrico -8.18% Biggest Cock!
Adam 5.74% 2nd Place
Matt 3.50% 3rd Place
Spring
0.00% 4th Place
Polt
-0.38% 5th Place
Michelle #2
-1.32% 6th Place
Michelle #1
-2.68% Rudest Loser!

And so another week bites the delicious dust.  It’s starting to look a lot like Enrico and Adam will take the top two spots.  Or will someone rally at the end of our contest to steal the prize?  Or maybe Adam will eat so much while he’s on vacation that he’ll end up as Rudest Loser! Three more weeks — anything is possible!

My weight loss is still 0.00%.

This is due to the fact that I am basically not trying to lose weight in any organized way at all; since this contest began I have been eating Mexican food, goat’s milk brie, and potato chips with sour cream dip. I have exercised, like, three times. My caloric intake of alcohol alone the first week was… let’s just say it was a lot.

The good news, though, is that being in this contest has kept me aware enough to maintain. Without the contest, I’d probably be gaining right now. So thank you boys for that.

Of course, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. I could mummify myself at the last minute and totally win this thing, bitchez! Whoo hoo!

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16 thoughts on “Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 6”

  1. The real trick to this whole game is illness. Both Adam and Matt are using this to lose and Enrico’s using his mental illness to gain. I really need to pick me up some kind of vicious stomach bug. And hey, I’d get time off work too, so double bonus.

  2. So Adam’s been sick now twice during the competition, is that right? Dude, maybe if you are SOME MEAT you’d be a bit healthier?? All them greens and faux-meats are killing you son. here, have a hamburger!

    HUGS…

  3. Dude, maybe if you are SOME MEAT you’d be a bit healthier?? All them greens and faux-meats are killing you son. here, have a hamburger!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA Hey, my kid made vegan cupcakes yesterday. Stop influencing her damn it Adam.

  4. That’s because Mikey is stinkin’ drunk on watermelon martinis. I wouldn’t come back either.

    She can do a guest post: Why my Mom’s Friends are Weird.

  5. I would like to point out that Adam altered the authorship of this post. Aside from the intro, entering everyone’s updates but mine, the Michelles and Polts and the closing, I wrote the entire post and I deserve the credit.

  6. @Mikey You’re lucky I let you put your name on it at all. The only part you wrote was your own update and you filled in the math. Next time I see you, I’m going to kick your ass.

  7. john, I wasn’t sure if Adam was finished with Justin’s sausage yet and didn’t want to get in the way.

    Ba-dum-DUM! Thanks, thanks, I’ll be here all week.

    HUGS…

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