A few weeks ago I was walking in lower Manhattan when the Party City party van pulled up, people in brightly colored t-shirts hopped out and started bopping to the beat of some generic pop music. Might have been by Ke$ha, but I’m not sure. Anyway… they were handing out business cards that gave you the chance to win a shopping spree. I’m always a sucker for something free. I decided to just submit my name to see what would happen. Well, what happens is that you end up on a mailing list for all of their sales.
I got my very first advertisement this week and to my great surprise it was an invitation to a special birthday party for everyone’s favorite little Latina: Dora the Explorer. I have two nieces who grew up with Dora the Explorer and speaking her particular brand of Spanglish, so I know a thing or two about how to solve each episode’s challenges. I think that is why I was a little upset when I was invited to her birthday along with ten bazillion of my nearest enemies. I felt like I was just any old potential client. That little Dora will do anything for a buck.
As you you obviously now know, my thoughts then quickly turned to what a grown up Dora would be like. In my mind, due to her being pimped out by marketeers, she is quite simply: a hooker. She travels with a backpack that contains condoms instead of a map and her clothes are the same as they were when she was a child. When I say the same, I mean they are the exact same ones. She hasn’t sized them up or anything. She just wears them as she did as a child, but this time with a few more curves. Her trusty buddy Boots the Monkey died a few years ago, but Dora had him stuffed. He now goes with Dora on all her tricks (and when requested, he participates).
On Dora the Whora’s many adventures she learns quite a few things about the human anatomy and interaction of consenting adults who have disposable income. She does periodically turn to the side during these acts and asks random questions of people who are not there. Can you tell me where the condom goes? ….That’s right! Can you tell me what do with this cockring? ….That’s right! Do you know what the safe word is? ….That’s right! She occasionally peppers these exchanges with some Spanish to emphasize here bilingualism. Aye Papi!
I truly hope this never comes to pass for our heroine. If it does, can the Wonder Pets be that far behind?