If Holden Caufield were born in the 90s

Earlier this week you might have heard the fabulous  news that Justin Bieber, Cocky & Rude‘s favorite star, is working on a memoir!  I jumped out of my seat when I heard this news.   Bieber’s 16 years on this humble planet we call home will provide many profound insights like those that James Joyce gave us in Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man.

Through secret sources, I have gotten my hands on some rough notes that the Biebs has jotted down on stray  napkins and on the as yet undeveloped breasts of his groupies.  I am honored to share these very deep thoughts from one who is the most important pop culture icon to come out of Canada since Bryan Adams.

Discarded Chuck-E-Cheese napkin –

Mom says she new I was bound for fame when I was just a baby.  My poo even smelled less bad than the other babies.  Also, there was this time that Mom thought she saw a weeping Virgin Mary in my diaper, but I think it really was Usher.

Text Msg exchange with Keke Palmer of True Jackson, VP –

Keke: OMG Just!!!  wassup with this memoir?

Me: Oh hay keke….yea i’m writin’ about how i got my street cred in Stratford, Ontario by acting tough outside the Shakespeare thing.  Those geeks hated me!

Keke; umm…ok

From a twelve year old girl’s chest –

My Hair?  Should it get it’s own chapter?  Or does my hair keep showing up throughout as like a thing?

E-mail sent to Usher during tour –

New Zealand is crazy!  It doesn’t look at all like Middle Earth anymore.  That must have been like twenty years ago or something!

So there you have it folks.  Wise words from an extremely intelligent young man.


7 thoughts on “If Holden Caufield were born in the 90s”

  1. I hated Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

    Wow. A book already? I hear he has a 3D movie coming out too.

  2. I hated it too Michelle. Never finished it.

    Definitely a chapter on his hair alone. He’s gonna be bigger than Celine Dion I tell ya. He’ll marry some 40 year old woman in Vegas while riding a giraffe and wearing nothing but gold leaf all over his body. I see it coming.

  3. Tam: Thanks, that was a visual I could have done without.

    The memoir annoys me. Write a book, fine, but don’t call it a memoir.

  4. Spoiler:

    In the memoir, Justin reveals that he is the result of secret experiments to create a human/songbird hybrid. Unfortunately, this did not endow him with superhuman singing abilities, and it left him unable to see glass windows and doors.

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