Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 4

The time has come for our biggest adventure yet: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser. Our weight loss saga is almost at the halfway mark and our intrepid dieters (or feeeders like Enrico) are using ever ounce of their strength to fend off food.  For two weeks, Enrico has been able to top the competition.  Can he do it again?  Let’s check in with the losers first!

Mikey tries using Vegemite to induce vomiting!

Mikey: Craig is to blame for my weight gain.  He threw a party.  I ate.  And I gained weight… I may also have consumed some of those vegan cookies that Adam made which were actually comprised entirely of lard.

If Adam loses enough weight, maybe he'll find his chin!

Adam: I lost weight this week by combining stress and starvation!  So far this week, my job has been hindered by a malfunctioning and substandard computer network.  My dieting tip for the week: get so stressed out that you forget to eat!  Yay!  (Note: skipping multiple meals in a row will result in decreased energy and splitting headaches).

Spring: purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! *SCRATCH!*

Polt's healthy victory meal

Polt: Despite spending the weekend in Puntabuland, somehow I managed to LOSE one pound!  I attribute it to all the time spent on the beach and in the pool and to all the healthy foods and drinks I consumed.  So to reward myself, I went out tonight and had a meal of deep fried fish, greasy French fries, runny coleslaw, and Pepsi.  I can FEEL the pounds just dropping off me now!”

Matt: I spent much of this week in Rhode island, which is fattening sandwich and baked good capital of the northeast. Or at least it is with my in-laws. Now I broke even this week though, miraculously. I am going to chalk it up to all the weight I must have lost sweating my ass off by driving for my life on I-95. So happily rested and fed, less happily static in my weight loss. Shut your mouth, Adam.

Someone should try to play Enrico's ribs like an xylophone

Enrico: This week I tried my best to gain even more weight. I stole food from co-workers, snatched a burger from the hand of a homeless person, and even ate cat food once I had eaten all the human food in the house. But it seems that what they say about gaining weight is true–the first few pounds are easy to gain but then it gets tougher! The good news? I gained one pound! I’m ready to start showing off my bangin’ bikini body!”

Michelle #2: My weight loss is still 0.00%. This is due to the fact that I am basically not trying to lose weight in any organized way at all; since this contest began I have been eating Mexican food, goat’s milk brie, and potato chips with sour cream dip. I have exercised, like, three times. My caloric intake of alcohol alone the first week was… let’s just say it was a lot. The good news, though, is that being in this contest has kept me aware enough to maintain. Without the contest, I’d probably be gaining right now. So thank you boys for that. Of course, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. I could mummify myself at the last minute and totally win this thing, bitchez! Whoo hoo!

And without further ado, here are the results
for the 4th week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser:

Contestant % Lost Place
Enrico -10.0% Biggest Cock!
Adam 4.96% 2nd Place
Matt 2.00% 3rd Place
Polt 0.58% 4th Place
Spring & Michelle #2 0.00% 5th Place
Mikey -1.86% Rudest Loser!

Well it’s a wrap folks!  Enrico has managed to gain more weight strengthening his lead over Adam. Mikey is spiraling out of control! Can he rebound and get back on track?  Or will Polt’s sudden rise continue and make him the biggest cock of all?  Don’t be fooled … there’s still so much time left in the competition that anyone can still win!

P.S. We believe that Michelle #1 is missing somewhere between East Islip, NY and San Diego, CA.  If you have seen her, please return her to us.  We miss her!

My weight loss is still 0.00%.

This is due to the fact that I am basically not trying to lose weight in any organized way at all; since this contest began I have been eating Mexican food, goat’s milk brie, and potato chips with sour cream dip. I have exercised, like, three times. My caloric intake of alcohol alone the first week was… let’s just say it was a lot.

The good news, though, is that being in this contest has kept me aware enough to maintain. Without the contest, I’d probably be gaining right now. So thank you boys for that.

Of course, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. I could mummify myself at the last minute and totally win this thing, bitchez! Whoo hoo!

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12 thoughts on “Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser: Week 4”

  1. Just to be clear, I already HAVE the biggest cock. Thank God Craiggers isn’t in the contest or there wouldn’t even BE a competition for that!

    HUGS…

  2. Adam, you blew it all on that Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar binge, you fucking glutton. And unsweetened iced tea, someone’s gotta stage an intervention.

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